Post by Neotericgal on Nov 27, 2017 2:14:36 GMT -5
Hello everyone.
Back in the summer of 2016 I wrote a "Rant Letter" to my H. I stopped posting, but to anyone who was curious, it was because I needed to focus my energies on completing some goals for myself, including allowing myself to grieve for the loss I was experiencing in my marriage.
That letter was what I needed to finally galvanize myself into living my life for my own purpose but it wasn't without a lot of sadness. When I would feel especially low, I would come back re-read the replies to me, and read other people's new posts about their struggles. I gained inner courage and strength to keep pushing on from responses or updates from folks such as baza, bballgirl and even shamwow.
baza , I need to tell you that a couple of your posts to me directly helped me to change my perspective about my situation and empowered me to gain not only the strength within myself to truly say enough was enough, but helped my see my H with open eyes. I genuinely hope that you continue to be as point blank and blunt in your assessments of posts you read here, because you helped to motivate me into finally doing something for ME.
bballgirl , you helped to shape my perspective about being willing to allow myself the right to feel personal joy again. shamwow , thank you for sharing your diary. Super inspirational, it helped me stay on track.
There are many others who replied to me or offered their support - thank you.
So on to my update.
I attempted to talk to him again near the end of that year (2016) about our sexlessness. I made a list prior to that conversation of exactly what I needed and wanted and spelled it out very clearly that I was not willing to settle for anything less then a 100% effort on his part. I had finally obtained my degree, and now that the hard work was over, I was ready to experience the full experience of being empty nesters with the one I chose to be with. I gave him 6 months to figure it out.
What was different about this ultimatum compared to the ones I'd given in the past?
Thanks to the time (and tears of empathy and experiencing my own pain) I had spent reading and participating here in the forum in the summer of 2016, by the time the end of the year rolled around I had pretty much accepted that not only was my H not going to change despite his promises, but I had also begun the process mentally preparing myself for what I was beginning to realize probably was a life without my H in it.
After all, did he not already have a track record of telling me what I hoped to hear but never by his actions, showed it? I loved him, but I had finally begun the process of realizing that it was a one-way street, and the beginning of the end which remarkably began for me with that rant letter, despite the many, many times I spoke to him about this over the years.
Sure enough, things didn't change.
I forced myself to stick to the deadline in the ultimatum that I had given him. I also stopped trying to talk to him into doing something about it and simply waited to see - If he didn't understand the issues, he was never going to or simply didn't care to. My already diminished optimism that he would have this miraculous epiphany dwindled. I decided that I couldn't wait the full 6 months (I think it was between month 3-4), and I calmly walked up to him and told him that we needed to re-define our relationship to what it really was - two people that get along amazingly well in a co-habitation situation but were no longer suited to be defined as husband and wife.
I was done with abusing myself emotionally over something I lacked the power to change.
Partially (to both my surprise AND disappointment) ,he agreed. That night I moved out of the marital bed (aka quicksand pit of abject loneliness and utter despair) and into the spare room. What I wasn't expecting was to sleep reasonably well that night, but I did.
What followed was an amicable divorce which was very recently granted. I took the advice I had received here and didn't cut my losses and run - I asked for what was fair. We are still roommates, but I am preparing to move to another state, where I plan to start a new happy beginning with a man who truly treats me like a queen.
My now EX himself still remains unchanged, and is living the equivalent of the stereotypical (live in his mother's basement playing video games) cept I am no longer his mother and the basement is actually the living room.
There is nothing like the feelings that a person who has been living in a SM for any extended period of time experiences when they allow themselves to let someone into their bed that is solely focused on your needs, your desires, and who looks at you with such passion and raw need that you find yourself breathless and suddenly flushed from head to toe... And multiply that with an intensity of at least 10 a because lets face it, you have been painfully been re-inventing yourself as a knowledgeable virgin while you remain in a SM. You realize that you are beautiful and desirable, and find that you still know exactly what to do....
So why did I title this post "Unicorns"? In my first post here on this forum, I compared the likelihood of seeing a change in my ex to seeing Unicorns farting glitter in my backyard (which obviously didn't happen, just sayin!). For me, titling this post Unicorns is cathartic, because it is like validating my decision to not only fully let that heartbreak go and divorce a man who by his actions stopped truly loving me back years and tears ago, but also to embrace my decision to move on and experience happiness (and an amazing sex life!) with someone new.
Just in case you remember my story, on one occasion during one of my revisits to the ilasm forum I decided to change my name. I had originally posted as mogirl, but during the process of re-inventing myself since that first fateful post, I was inspired to give myself a name that really reflected that.
Back in the summer of 2016 I wrote a "Rant Letter" to my H. I stopped posting, but to anyone who was curious, it was because I needed to focus my energies on completing some goals for myself, including allowing myself to grieve for the loss I was experiencing in my marriage.
That letter was what I needed to finally galvanize myself into living my life for my own purpose but it wasn't without a lot of sadness. When I would feel especially low, I would come back re-read the replies to me, and read other people's new posts about their struggles. I gained inner courage and strength to keep pushing on from responses or updates from folks such as baza, bballgirl and even shamwow.
baza , I need to tell you that a couple of your posts to me directly helped me to change my perspective about my situation and empowered me to gain not only the strength within myself to truly say enough was enough, but helped my see my H with open eyes. I genuinely hope that you continue to be as point blank and blunt in your assessments of posts you read here, because you helped to motivate me into finally doing something for ME.
bballgirl , you helped to shape my perspective about being willing to allow myself the right to feel personal joy again. shamwow , thank you for sharing your diary. Super inspirational, it helped me stay on track.
There are many others who replied to me or offered their support - thank you.
So on to my update.
I attempted to talk to him again near the end of that year (2016) about our sexlessness. I made a list prior to that conversation of exactly what I needed and wanted and spelled it out very clearly that I was not willing to settle for anything less then a 100% effort on his part. I had finally obtained my degree, and now that the hard work was over, I was ready to experience the full experience of being empty nesters with the one I chose to be with. I gave him 6 months to figure it out.
What was different about this ultimatum compared to the ones I'd given in the past?
Thanks to the time (and tears of empathy and experiencing my own pain) I had spent reading and participating here in the forum in the summer of 2016, by the time the end of the year rolled around I had pretty much accepted that not only was my H not going to change despite his promises, but I had also begun the process mentally preparing myself for what I was beginning to realize probably was a life without my H in it.
After all, did he not already have a track record of telling me what I hoped to hear but never by his actions, showed it? I loved him, but I had finally begun the process of realizing that it was a one-way street, and the beginning of the end which remarkably began for me with that rant letter, despite the many, many times I spoke to him about this over the years.
Sure enough, things didn't change.
I forced myself to stick to the deadline in the ultimatum that I had given him. I also stopped trying to talk to him into doing something about it and simply waited to see - If he didn't understand the issues, he was never going to or simply didn't care to. My already diminished optimism that he would have this miraculous epiphany dwindled. I decided that I couldn't wait the full 6 months (I think it was between month 3-4), and I calmly walked up to him and told him that we needed to re-define our relationship to what it really was - two people that get along amazingly well in a co-habitation situation but were no longer suited to be defined as husband and wife.
I was done with abusing myself emotionally over something I lacked the power to change.
Partially (to both my surprise AND disappointment) ,he agreed. That night I moved out of the marital bed (aka quicksand pit of abject loneliness and utter despair) and into the spare room. What I wasn't expecting was to sleep reasonably well that night, but I did.
What followed was an amicable divorce which was very recently granted. I took the advice I had received here and didn't cut my losses and run - I asked for what was fair. We are still roommates, but I am preparing to move to another state, where I plan to start a new happy beginning with a man who truly treats me like a queen.
My now EX himself still remains unchanged, and is living the equivalent of the stereotypical (live in his mother's basement playing video games) cept I am no longer his mother and the basement is actually the living room.
There is nothing like the feelings that a person who has been living in a SM for any extended period of time experiences when they allow themselves to let someone into their bed that is solely focused on your needs, your desires, and who looks at you with such passion and raw need that you find yourself breathless and suddenly flushed from head to toe... And multiply that with an intensity of at least 10 a because lets face it, you have been painfully been re-inventing yourself as a knowledgeable virgin while you remain in a SM. You realize that you are beautiful and desirable, and find that you still know exactly what to do....
So why did I title this post "Unicorns"? In my first post here on this forum, I compared the likelihood of seeing a change in my ex to seeing Unicorns farting glitter in my backyard (which obviously didn't happen, just sayin!). For me, titling this post Unicorns is cathartic, because it is like validating my decision to not only fully let that heartbreak go and divorce a man who by his actions stopped truly loving me back years and tears ago, but also to embrace my decision to move on and experience happiness (and an amazing sex life!) with someone new.
Just in case you remember my story, on one occasion during one of my revisits to the ilasm forum I decided to change my name. I had originally posted as mogirl, but during the process of re-inventing myself since that first fateful post, I was inspired to give myself a name that really reflected that.
