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Post by angryspartan on May 12, 2016 9:22:02 GMT -5
before you had your first talk about your sm/asm with your spouse? Also, how long did it take you to see there was a problem?
There were problems before we were even married, so I was already aware that it could be an issue. I didn't waste time in letting her know.
Not sure there's anything to get out of this other than just a point of conversation.
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Post by bballgirl on May 12, 2016 9:36:32 GMT -5
before you had your first talk about your sm/asm with your spouse? Also, how long did it take you to see there was a problem? There were problems before we were even married, so I was already aware that it could be an issue. I didn't waste time in letting her know. Not sure there's anything to get out of this other than just a point of conversation. I think I was in some sort of subconscious denial until I found EP. Many years of not really seeing it for what it really was - incompatibility. Three things that I'm aware of kept me in the fog: 1)refuser's excuses and manipulation 2) timely reset sex 3) my own low self esteem and naivety Probably other factors and dynamics in the mix that I still don't know about because my refuser was a selfish prick. |
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 9:55:49 GMT -5
It took me years to see the pattern. And years more to talk to him about it. I am nothing if not hopeful and trusting and naive. Dang it if he doesn't always SAY the right thing to me! He just never DOES the right thing, yk?
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 10:20:36 GMT -5
angryspartan, my experience was JUST like you describe. She started weaning me from sex as soon as I asked her to marry me. I even discussed it with a friend of mine. I was prepared and did it anyway. Foolish. Within a couple months of the marriage, it was a common subject of conversation and consternation. And I made a mess out of it for years. I'm wondering if the more operative question for us (you, me, and others that share our experience) is when did we STOP having that conversation. For me, it was 10 years into the marriage. I've been married for 18 years.
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Post by TMD on May 12, 2016 10:50:22 GMT -5
Interesting question. We skirted around the issue for many years.
The first time we had the opportunity to have a real conversation about our sexual life was in the marriage prep class. In all honesty, I don't recall what we talked about, so much as I remember the way it felt. It was depressing, ominous, heavy-feeling. We were asked to go somewhere private to discuss the questions (i.e. how often, how important, etc). And we were in a stairwell. I knew then. But I didn't have the words or the courage to call time.
We didn't consummate on our wedding night, and when I had my practically immaculate conception-pregnancy 6ish years later, I could count on ONE hand the # of times we had had sex.
I feel very responsible for the sexlessness. If only I knew how to address it, maybe we wouldn't have spiraled past the point of no return. In the more recent years, I took a lighter approach, trying to cajole him, to let him know that I was available to him.
No dice.
I like @creelunion 's comment about when did we stop talking about it: early December, 2012. Last conversation about our sexless marriage held. And last time he and I had sex.
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Post by angryspartan on May 12, 2016 10:57:29 GMT -5
angryspartan , my experience was JUST like you describe. She started weaning me from sex as soon as I asked her to marry me. I even discussed it with a friend of mine. I was prepared and did it anyway. Foolish. Within a couple months of the marriage, it was a common subject of conversation and consternation. And I made a mess out of it for years. I'm wondering if the more operative question for us (you, me, and others that share our experience) is when did we STOP having that conversation. For me, it was 10 years into the marriage. I've been married for 18 years. That's an interesting question as well. I still haven't stopped talking about it when the opportunity presents itself. |
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Post by angryspartan on May 12, 2016 10:59:42 GMT -5
Interesting question. We skirted around the issue for many years. The first time we had the opportunity to have a real conversation about our sexual life was in the marriage prep class. In all honesty, I don't recall what we talked about, so much as I remember the way it felt. It was depressing, ominous, heavy-feeling. We were asked to go somewhere private to discuss the questions (i.e. how often, how important, etc). And we were in a stairwell. I knew then. But I didn't have the words or the courage to call time. We didn't consummate on our wedding night, and when I had my practically immaculate conception-pregnancy 6ish years later, I could count on ONE hand the # of times we had had sex. I feel very responsible for the sexlessness. If only I knew how to address it, maybe we wouldn't have spiraled past the point of no return. In the more recent years, I took a lighter approach, trying to cajole him, to let him know that I was available to him. No dice. I like @creelunion 's comment about when did we stop talking about it: early December, 2012. Last conversation about our sexless marriage held. And last time he and I had sex. Given that your wedding night was a dud, I don't think talking to him about it earlier would have made one lick of difference. If that day isn't enough of a catalyst to cause someone to do it, nothing will. |
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Post by TMD on May 12, 2016 11:25:46 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 13:21:58 GMT -5
The discussions started before marriage for me. (And like TMD, no sex on our wedding night. Actually no sex on the honeymoon.) The conversations got intense after our first child was born and I kept those talks going for over 15 years. I gave up about four years ago, although I would occasionally try something small like a kiss on the cheek or a shoulder rub, but no more talking about it. It just hurt too much.
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Post by dancingbear70 on May 12, 2016 13:27:17 GMT -5
We still haven't addressed the lack of sex specifically, although it came up in therapy as one of way too many issues. Ironically she brought it up.
But in retrospect I remember specifically when I noticed. We have been married over 12 years now. About 6 months after we got married I masturbated for the first time in years. Although I was no stranger to the act, I recall it feeling odd having been so long.
Before marriage, our frequency was plenty to keep me satisfied. After, and we were living together, frequency fell of the table. And continued to decline until the last time was over 2 years ago.
If only we listened to warning signs when they occur.
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 18:05:17 GMT -5
I said it somewhere else here a few minutes ago: ours was the classic case of the frog slowly boiling in the pot of water.
Our first 6 years together were great: in the bedroom and out.
Then he started having some health issues, and (although I didn't see it for a long time) developed a slight addiction to prescription painkillers.
I first noticed our sex life was really not so good anymore in 2008, and I Talked To Him About It (TM), and he said we would get back on track, and I believed him. No, there wasn't another woman; no, he didn't think I was getting too old, fat or ugly; no, it wasn't just sexual boredom with the same woman for years, etc.
That was in 2008. By January 2013, I googled "sexless marriage," and found ILIASM in EP.
And then I spent 3 years on EP, learning about "all is great bar the sex," and "reset sex," etc., while also researching possible remedies for his health problems, nagging him to go to the doctor, nagging him to go to a different doctor, shutting up about it because I was worried that I was nagging too much; withholding housework, cooking, and listening to him babble; engaging in online-only outsourcing; and finally finding a job out of town and moving 80 miles away. I figured that either absence would make his heart grow fonder - or that living apart could serve as a "separation" for me.
It turned out to be the latter. We had The Talk (TM) exactly 4 months ago today.
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