|
Post by jim44444 on Nov 25, 2017 22:26:50 GMT -5
While looking for something else I came across this tidbit that I had posted on EP over 3 years ago. It still seems relevant.
A few days ago I had a conversation with a friend who was having doubts about the separation from their estranged refuser. The friend expressed that the problem was not just the lack of sex but the feeling of "so craving attention". Maybe that should be the motto for anyone in an SM, "So Craving Attention".
Not only are we not getting sex but we are not getting all the other wonderful parts of a loving relationship. The flirting, the foreplay, the intimate snuggling, all of the good stuff that might lead to getting gloriously fucked. Not only are we denied the joining of our bodies but we are also denied the joining of our souls. And that I feel is a most egregious crime
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 25, 2017 22:40:23 GMT -5
It sums it up beautifully. When my now-Ex was first diagnosed with prostate cancer & we learned all that treatment would entail - we talked about doing without sex. That seemed do-able at that time. We had each other & a LOT was right in our relationship at that time. As each layer of attachment morphed into layers of avoidance and each interaction became further examples of isolation in each other’s company — the craving for any form of affectionate attention became the real nails in the coffin. After that - the lack of sex was only the symptom that woke me up to the rest of our dysfunction. The rest of it was what made me choose to walk away. Your description is “IT” in a nutshell.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Nov 25, 2017 23:27:54 GMT -5
Sounds like the decades of undetected mental abuse that comes from a SM. That 'inner damage' that is done to you mentally and physically.
A friend was talking about a sons back injuries the other day. How they go un-detected. it's not like walking around on crutches, being in a wheel chair, or having a cast, yet the pain, and the lack of movement can be worse. Add onto that those who fake it, and those who really suffer, yet keep it hidden and try to make the best of a horrid situation.
naturally I was thinking about all the fine people on EP and ILIASM.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Nov 26, 2017 4:33:20 GMT -5
I crave attention so much that each nonsexual contact feels good from a woman. such as when I have my haircut, have my vital signs taken or blood drawn at the lab, or even during my dental cleanings. I enjoy hugs very much.
After 18 years without any, I miss female intimacy so much!
I try not to think that I could actually die and never have another intimate relationship again.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Nov 26, 2017 10:32:24 GMT -5
I crave attention so much that each nonsexual contact feels good from a woman. such as when I have my haircut, have my vital signs taken or blood drawn at the lab, or even during my dental cleanings. I enjoy hugs very much.
After 18 years without any, I miss female intimacy so much!
I try not to think that I could actually die and never have another intimate relationship again.
"The Last Arrow" by Erwin McManus. Pgs. 10-11. Most of us live our lives as if the arrows are to valuable to shoot. They look so nice inside the quiver. We may even take extra time each day to organize our arrows and make sure that they are in perfect condition. What I love about arrows, in contrast to other ancient weapons, is that while you may use a sword,it never leaves your hand, but the arrow only has value if you release it and it travels where you have not gone yourself. The arrow extends your range of impact and only fulfills it's purpose when it is set into flight. We are not supposed to die with our quivers full. In fact, our greatest aspiration should be to die with our quivers empty. Those who never settle have the mind-set that they are saving nothing for the next life.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2017 11:22:48 GMT -5
I crave attention so much that each nonsexual contact feels good from a woman. such as when I have my haircut, have my vital signs taken or blood drawn at the lab, or even during my dental cleanings. I enjoy hugs very much.
After 18 years without any, I miss female intimacy so much!
I try not to think that I could actually die and never have another intimate relationship again.
Been there bro. Specifically went to a crappy Korean hair salon to get a shampoo/scalp massage from a woman. Feeling the electricity from a woman handing me change at a checkout. Positioning myself on a crowded subway so the next train jostle would push some woman into me, or my hand would graze against hers on the pole. It sucks to be so needy for touch because we don't get any at home.
|
|
|
Post by Dan on Nov 26, 2017 12:11:49 GMT -5
I linger on what hugs I get. So nice to feel a female body, a warm friend, a kind soul. I consider if I'm ever in a situation to be sexual with a woman again, I might freeze, entirely unsure what do to. Maybe: not willing to trust myself to dare consider love -- or even intimacy -- as something real, that I might be allowed to experience again. Either that, or I just might explode in to a puff of smoke of happy-sadness.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Nov 26, 2017 12:25:16 GMT -5
When I was in my sm, touch hunger is how I got in the habit of getting regular pedicures, massages and facials. Those do increase endorphins and happiness.
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Nov 26, 2017 13:09:59 GMT -5
It is absolutely this...our souls are starved of nourishing attention. Not only deprived of receiving love and attention, but needing to give it. Sometimes, I felt like I would die not expressing my own love to a partner, and why I got some relief from posting Rumi poems on EP for the man I fell in love with there. There were times when I had so much love in me, with nowhere to direct it, especially when all my pets had died, that I would help people on EP and FB who were going through crisis. I spent many hours with people who were suicidal or depressed, listening, and encouraging. It helped them to have me there for them, and it helped me to be there for them.
Love is a two way street, as much as we need love, we need to give love...and attention.
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Nov 26, 2017 13:26:04 GMT -5
I crave attention so much that each nonsexual contact feels good from a woman. such as when I have my haircut, have my vital signs taken or blood drawn at the lab, or even during my dental cleanings. I enjoy hugs very much.
After 18 years without any, I miss female intimacy so much!
I try not to think that I could actually die and never have another intimate relationship again.
Been there bro. Specifically went to a crappy Korean hair salon to get a shampoo/scalp massage from a woman. Feeling the electricity from a woman handing me change at a checkout. Positioning myself on a crowded subway so the next train jostle would push some woman into me, or my hand would graze against hers on the pole. It sucks to be so needy for touch because we don't get any at home. I used to hunger for touch and hugs. I never did get any, but it brings back a memory of walking down an aisle in a store, one Christmas. I stopped suddenly, not realizing there was a bear of a man behind me. He managed to stop himself banging right into me, but his huge muscular arms were almost around me. For a split second, that “almost hug” took my breath away. It was the closest I’d been to being in the arms of a man in 20-years. I looked up at him. He was very attractive, but much younger than me. We both said sorry, and he went on his way. I stood there looking at him go, still feeling, still imagining what it would be like to have a man like that hold me. It’s a sad way to live a life, yearning for touch. That was years ago, and I still haven’t been touched, and the thought of being touched makes me recoil. Strange how you go too long without, and it reverses on you. A defense mechanism against the pain of it, maybe.
|
|
|
Post by misssunnybunny on Nov 26, 2017 15:02:17 GMT -5
I have great friends and hugging is part of greetings and goodbyes. It is great to get the hugs, but not the same as in a romantic relationship. I also get semi-regular massages, it helps with filling that need for touch, and is also incredibly relaxing.
I think part of my fear of looking for a new relationship is finding someone, getting close and having that intimacy, then losing it, again.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Nov 26, 2017 17:03:03 GMT -5
I have great friends and hugging is part of greetings and goodbyes. It is great to get the hugs, but not the same as in a romantic relationship. I also get semi-regular massages, it helps with filling that need for touch, and is also incredibly relaxing. I think part of my fear of looking for a new relationship is finding someone, getting close and having that intimacy, then losing it, again. At this point, I want that connection, and I want it enough that I am willing to accept some circumstances that are far from ideal. Future be damned. We will figure that out when we get to it.
|
|
|
Post by snowman12345 on Nov 26, 2017 19:49:01 GMT -5
All this week I have been paired with a woman at work to teach her how to sub into my job when I am off. She is a bubbly person and we get along great. She has been doing some subtle things like brushing her breast against my arm and touching my leg as we sit side by side in a small space. She has also made some not so subtle advances - "would you rub my feet?" To tell the truth, I absolutely love the attention! I have not mentioned my wife or my AP to her - nor will I. Maybe she is just flirting with an older guy to pass the time, but I'll take it. BTW, I paid a visit to my AP last week - and all I will say is it was a pretty passionate time!
|
|
|
Post by dinnaken on Nov 27, 2017 5:06:04 GMT -5
I respectfully differ.
Perhaps because of my work, which involves me performing in public; perhaps because I am self-contained.
I don't crave attention.
What I crave is affection
What I crave is knowing that I matter to someone
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Nov 27, 2017 20:06:34 GMT -5
I respectfully differ. Perhaps because of my work, which involves me performing in public; perhaps because I am self-contained. I don't crave attention. What I crave is affection What I crave is knowing that I matter to someone You can’t have affection without attention. The mere fact that one is receiving affection, means someone is paying attention to you, to give you that affection.
|
|