|
|
Post by Caris on Nov 19, 2017 21:14:21 GMT -5
Now that I have ventured out, and done a little socializing in the world, I know for sure what I suspected that my post SM life is not about finding a date, or starting a relationship, it’s about me learning to live again, whatever that means, or whatever that looks like, for me. I have no clue, but the small steps I’m taking are bound to build on each other, and I guess I’ll find out where that leads as time passes.
I’ve been out (in mixed company) more in the past 10-days, than I have in the last 7-years, and that’s only four times. For the first time in years, I have had conversations with men, and been in their company in a social setting. In some ways I feel like an alien, or a fraud because I’m sure I come across as a normal person, yet I know I’m a little out of my depth with all this interaction, and they talk to me as if I know the world, and yet I haven’t been living in it for a long time. It’s still all very new to me.
One thing I do know from being in mixed company is that dating and romantic relationships are not possible for me at this time. It’s far too complex to explain the issues, but the fact I’m aware of them is enough for me to know this, so I have taken myself off the market. Not that I was really on the market, but mentally and emotionally, within myself, I’ve taken myself out of it, so I have let go of expectation and hope in this realm, but not lost hope in a negative way, but have let it go in a more Buddhist like positive way, and there is some degree of peace knowing I’m not in this man-woman attraction dance thing that people go through to attract a mate.
I’ve also, at long last, found a therapist who seems to be on my wavelength, so my main goal is to learn to live again, after isolating myself away from the world. Like I said, I don’t even know what that means, but I am doing my part to find out.
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Nov 19, 2017 21:33:12 GMT -5
It’s a rare person who comes out of a sm and doesn’t need to be reacquainted with themselves before venturing into dating. In general, the people who don’t need to do this spent plenty of time rediscovering themselves before leaving their marriage. Most people don’t have the personal space to do this before divorcing.
|
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 19, 2017 23:31:10 GMT -5
This is so even-keeled, Caris. I agree that letting go of expectations is an excellent step in learning to live life again. You’re really doing yeoman’s work getting out with others. Please pat yourself kindly for me, or give yourself a hug, or whatever form of kudos you prefer from a digital stranger. I’m really happy to hear you have a found a therapist more like-minded too. Very encouraging post! |
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Nov 20, 2017 18:25:36 GMT -5
Thank you northstarmom and GeekGoddess. I am feeling more optimistic than I’ve done in years, and not a man or a relationship on the horizon, and I really don’t care. In fact, I am actually enjoying being single, and being on my own. |
|
|
|
Post by obobfla on Nov 20, 2017 19:09:35 GMT -5
Thank you northstarmom and GeekGoddess . I am feeling more optimistic than I’ve done in years, and not a man or a relationship on the horizon, and I really don’t care. In fact, I am actually enjoying being single, and being on my own. Actually, this may be the time of your life to go take care of that bucket list. Travel where you want, try whatever you want to do. Maybe take up painting or some sort of craft. Hell, why not? The problem is that you will get so involved and out there that you will probably meet someone and get involved in a relationship! |
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Nov 20, 2017 19:21:41 GMT -5
Thank you northstarmom and GeekGoddess . I am feeling more optimistic than I’ve done in years, and not a man or a relationship on the horizon, and I really don’t care. In fact, I am actually enjoying being single, and being on my own. Actually, this may be the time of your life to go take care of that bucket list. Travel where you want, try whatever you want to do. Maybe take up painting or some sort of craft. Hell, why not? The problem is that you will get so involved and out there that you will probably meet someone and get involved in a relationship! That may be, but I don’t have a bucket list. I used to have one: Visit Rumi’s resting place in Turkey. Go see my adopted elephant (and other orphan elephants at the DSWT in Kenya. Visit India, and the Bodi tree where the Buddha “woke up.” With all the trouble and fighting going on in the world, those plans are nixed, and I’m still trying to get up the confidence to drive to the next town. Maybe I’ll put that on my bucket list. As you can see I’m starting with baby steps, and I just started going out with people again (all strangers) after being isolated for years, so that’s one goal checked off. Maybe, I’ll find a part-time seasonal job to keep the momentum of going back into the world again, but one thing at a time. |
|
|
|
Post by elkclan2 on Nov 21, 2017 2:14:26 GMT -5
Caris - I started regaining myself while I was still in my sexless marriage, but had a setback after I left. I'm still in the process of really returning to me. Although I do have a new partner now. I knew at some point during the dark days after my SM ended, that I wouldn't find a good partner if I couldn't be a good partner and that meant being my best self. As it happened, I found a great partner before returning to my 'best self' but human growth and development is an ongoing process...
I don't have a big bucket list, but something that people always said about me is that I was passionate about everything I did. This isn't true yet again but I'm getting there. I think it's absolutely right that you're working on being a happy you before you worry about being in a happy partnership.
|
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Nov 22, 2017 21:50:54 GMT -5
I saw a young policeman today, while I was waiting at the coffee bar. He was busy putting sugar in his coffee. I turned back, and wistfully thought, “I wish I were younger.” I turned back for one more look at him, and he was coming my way, and looked at me. I think he sensed I was admiring him. We didn’t smile, it was just a glance.
I wondered what would happen if I looked like my younger self. I concluded that men would be wistfully looking at me, rather than the other way round. Then I thought what if I was still 63, but looked young, like how Christie Brinkley looks 35, when she’s actually my age, would I go out with a younger man. I surprised myself by saying, “maybe I would.” That was revealing. It tells me that it’s looking older that makes me feel about dating the way I do. Not that this revelation makes any difference, but just my musings at the coffee bar.
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Nov 22, 2017 22:54:32 GMT -5
"It tells me that it’s looking older that makes me feel about dating the way I do. Not that this revelation makes any difference, but just my musings at the coffee bar."
A few months ago, you posted that when you asked your emotionally abusive husband why he wouldn't make love to you, he told you to look in the mirror, and he said you were too old and ugly to make love to. That was the \cruelest thing I have ever heard that anyone said to another person. Unfortunately, instead of looking at the evidence that surrounds you that older people and even homely people find love, you took his words as if they were gospel. You even felt that you were too ugly to be seen in public.
The reason that you now think that you'll never date is because you continue to believe the lie that your ex told you, a lie that was his way of continuing to strip your self confidence so you stayed with him no matter how terribly he treated you. However, there is lots of hope. Over time, you have gotten the courage and confidence to go out in public and to feel worthy of being with other people, to make contacts that may lead to friendships. Maybe you will some day date. Maybe you won't choose to. Whatever happens, you have come a long way from the woman who thought -- due to her ex husband's cruelty -- that she was too ugly and unworthy to be seen in public.
|
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Nov 23, 2017 17:33:39 GMT -5
"It tells me that it’s looking older that makes me feel about dating the way I do. Not that this revelation makes any difference, but just my musings at the coffee bar." A few months ago, you posted that when you asked your emotionally abusive husband why he wouldn't make love to you, he told you to look in the mirror, and he said you were too old and ugly to make love to. That was the \cruelest thing I have ever heard that anyone said to another person. Unfortunately, instead of looking at the evidence that surrounds you that older people and even homely people find love, you took his words as if they were gospel. You even felt that you were too ugly to be seen in public. The reason that you now think that you'll never date is because you continue to believe the lie that your ex told you, a lie that was his way of continuing to strip your self confidence so you stayed with him no matter how terribly he treated you. However, there is lots of hope. Over time, you have gotten the courage and confidence to go out in public and to feel worthy of being with other people, to make contacts that may lead to friendships. Maybe you will some day date. Maybe you won't choose to. Whatever happens, you have come a long way from the woman who thought -- due to her ex husband's cruelty -- that she was too ugly and unworthy to be seen in public. He said I was ugly. I did believe him (and it cut me to my core) because I wasn’t aware that I had become ugly until I took a picture of myself. Before then, I didn’t bother with photographs for years. I still thought I was nice looking as I’d been when younger, until the selfie showed me he was right. However, he refused me when I was still young and good looking, so that wasn’t the reason he refused. He was just being unkind. You ar right. It took years for me to go out in public, except for medical appointments and necessities, like food, but I’m going out now despite how I look. No one has recoiled in horror. People look at me and carry on a conversation like I’m a normal person, so I suppose that’s okay. I still think age has ruined my appearance...well it’s a fact that it has...but until people start recoiling in horror, or avoid talking to me, then I at least know I’m tolerable to look upon. Still wouldn’t want a man getting close to me looking like this, but my desire/yearning for a companion has diminished a lot lately, and that’s a blessing. |
|
|
|
Post by elkclan2 on Nov 24, 2017 4:03:13 GMT -5
Caris - when you feel ugly, you look ugly in selfies. When you feel low, you look for the bad in your own picture. I don't know what you look like, but I can guarantee you that you look better than you think.
I'm fat. My ex told me I was basically too fat to fuck. Because I was in an affair, I knew that wasn't true, but it didn't stop me from thinking that I was too fat to find love. I now have a super hot boyfriend* who finds me attractive and tells me I'm gorgeous. I'm still fat. Right now I look like shit, I've been sick, I have a nasty zit on my nose from kleenex overuse. He still tells me I look gorgeous. It's hard for ME to believe that, but I'm coming to believe that he thinks it's true. Now, I'm not saying that I feel gorgeous, but I know that I'm attractive enough and he thinks I'm a catch.
_____
*I think he's super hot. He's a geeky, long-haired scientist and possibly not everyone's cup of tea, but my own mother told me "You didn't tell me how good looking he was..." after meeting him. Which was kinda creepy and grossly inappropriate in a way, but there's no doubt that I traded up in every way.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2017 16:19:43 GMT -5
Caris - when you feel ugly, you look ugly in selfies. When you feel low, you look for the bad in your own picture. I don't know what you look like, but I can guarantee you that you look better than you think. I'm fat. My ex told me I was basically too fat to fuck. Because I was in an affair, I knew that wasn't true, but it didn't stop me from thinking that I was too fat to find love. I now have a super hot boyfriend* who finds me attractive and tells me I'm gorgeous. I'm still fat. Right now I look like shit, I've been sick, I have a nasty zit on my nose from kleenex overuse. He still tells me I look gorgeous. It's hard for ME to believe that, but I'm coming to believe that he thinks it's true. Now, I'm not saying that I feel gorgeous, but I know that I'm attractive enough and he thinks I'm a catch. _____ *I think he's super hot. He's a geeky, long-haired scientist and possibly not everyone's cup of tea, but my own mother told me "You didn't tell me how good looking he was..." after meeting him. Which was kinda creepy and grossly inappropriate in a way, but there's no doubt that I traded up in every way. Car is extremely attractive. Fit and attractive. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2017 18:29:01 GMT -5
Why is a woman's appearance the most important thing?
Am I thine only one who does not care? Or maybe her care about her appearance is the most important thing to me.
I care about who she is a person, not as an object. Does she live her life or does she fight with life? Is she unique? What are her opinions and thoughts? Has she ever peeled a grape?
|
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Dec 14, 2017 19:21:39 GMT -5
CarisIn pictures and mirrors, you see what your want to see. If your want to see an old hag, that's what you will see. If you want to see someone that is pretty, or even pretty for her age, that is what you will see.
|
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Dec 14, 2017 23:58:04 GMT -5
CarisIn pictures and mirrors, you see what your want to see. If your want to see an old hag, that's what you will see. If you want to see someone that is pretty, or even pretty for her age, that is what you will see. I like to see reality. However, since I wrote this post, I’ve become more accepting of how aging has changed me. I still don’t like it, but I’ve accepted this is what I look like, and I’m making my peace with that. I no longer beat myself up about it. |
|
