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Post by northstarmom on Nov 18, 2017 11:38:50 GMT -5
“Definitely keep working on yourself, but not for your husband or this marriage. But to become the woman that your best possible suitor would love. “
Nooooo! Love yourself enough to be the person you want to be, the person whom you consider your ideal you. Don’t do it for a future lover. Your ideal lover will welcome you as you are even as you are now.
I followed my heart song and took acting and other classes so I could do the things I wanted to do. Along the wa, I met the love of my life. I did not, however, do activities to meet a certain type of man. I did them to be the me I wanted to be.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2017 11:41:27 GMT -5
That was one of my "assignments" - work on putting together date nights. That's when I asked her why can't HE do that? When can I be the "girl"? Lol. 1.5 years of individual therapy - about one year of couple's therapy and we are back at date nights. Sometimes, you just have to laugh to keep from crying. It's so frustrating. I keep wondering if there is some ulterior motive to her madness or, if I really do need to do some more self-examination. But I am tired. The things I want to hangs about myself - they don't have anything do with him. And the change is very slow. I constantly fall back into my own old patterns, but I am aware of them! I don't know. Whatever. I totally get the date night thing! What did the therapist say? In my opinion you should take turns with date night. He has to participate and be engaged too. My ex and I had a date night. I invited him but he paid lol When he met me at the restaurant he joked and said he was afraid to accept because of the last time I told him to meet me at a restaurant I told him I was divorcing him. We laughed and I said - well I can't tell you that again. We had a nice dinner then walked around some stores together. He has not initiated a date night with me. I am the type now that I will keep score, I will journal, I will state the facts and at the end of the day it's up to both to cultivate a relationship and if both are not actively participating then really there is not a relationship. Oh BBG, this sounds like a "Communication Issue". Perhaps you should talk to him with the subject and predicate reversed so it sounds less intimidating? More passive. More like Yoda.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 18, 2017 11:47:01 GMT -5
“That was one of my "assignments" - work on putting together date nights. That's when I asked her why can't HE do that? When can I be the "girl"? “
I should have known my marriage was over when after my husband had been out of the country for 6 months, we had date night and had nothing to say to each other. I would have been more interested in conversing with a random cashier. If date night is dead or burdensome, it doesn’t matter who plans it, the connection is gone. Date night won’t revive a dead marriage.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2017 11:52:07 GMT -5
“Definitely keep working on yourself, but not for your husband or this marriage. But to become the woman that your best possible suitor would love. “ Nooooo! Love yourself enough to be the person you want to be, the person whom you consider your ideal you. Don’t do it for a future lover. Your ideal lover will welcome you as you are even as you are now. I followed my heart song and took acting and other classes so I could do the things I wanted to do. Along the wa, I met the love of my life. I did not, however, do activities to meet a certain type of man. I did them to be the me I wanted to be. OK, But for me, my best possible suitor has a better character and loftier goals than I have. Actually, in some ways better than what I'd even be able to conceive if I were just serving myself. And as I achieve some of the characteristics she appreciates, I find I appreciate them even more, and new possibilities seem to open up for me. Theoretically speaking. Kind of getting outside my comfort zone a little. Achieving Flow. You know.
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 18, 2017 12:17:05 GMT -5
I totally get the date night thing! What did the therapist say? In my opinion you should take turns with date night. He has to participate and be engaged too. My ex and I had a date night. I invited him but he paid lol When he met me at the restaurant he joked and said he was afraid to accept because of the last time I told him to meet me at a restaurant I told him I was divorcing him. We laughed and I said - well I can't tell you that again. We had a nice dinner then walked around some stores together. He has not initiated a date night with me. I am the type now that I will keep score, I will journal, I will state the facts and at the end of the day it's up to both to cultivate a relationship and if both are not actively participating then really there is not a relationship. Oh BBG, this sounds like a "Communication Issue". Perhaps you should talk to him with the subject and predicate reversed so it sounds less intimidating? More passive. More like Yoda. Ha! I love it and trust me I am going to make him aware of the scorecard at the end of the day, at the end of the month, and at the end of the year. He can voice his greivances to me too and at the end of the day we aren't married anymore and if we don't want to try anymore it's so easy to exit stage left because I've done it before. But we are honestly going to try harder this time.
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 18, 2017 12:20:38 GMT -5
I love it when you tell me I'm brilliant! I agree with the "counseling stuff is just bromides". I do feel that counseling can be helpful to an individual but I've never been a big advocate of marriage counseling. I personally see it as a waste of time when it comes to SM. If I can't get you to fuck me then how the hell is a third party going to convince you to? But really - Why the fuck would I want to have sex with someone that has to be convinced into it. I would love to be a marriage counselor for SM. I would be short, sweet, to the point - like me! And I'd have a referral system and kickback going with a divorce attorney. No need to waste time and money for anyone. I am working on finding my happiness too. I have found that for me divorce was the right thing. I do however miss my ex and I would like to have a relationship with him, comfort, companionship and the family unit back together. I have no doubt that we love each other but not in a passionate way. As well I have no intention of being celibate. Not as much as I love the brilliance. Yup. Since when does communication prevent someone from wanting to make love to their loved one? Or who doesn't know how to ask for some affection? Or who should have to be asked a "Certain Way"? It's all BS. Let's work for 18 months to see if we can get George to ask Kate on a date. And then teach Kate to say "Y E S". Back to the drawing board. I'm still waiting for the explanation of the solution to someone in a marriage using affection as currency, leverage, or a weapon. These are pathological, and I'm starting to believe the folks that do it are simply NOT self-Aware enough to recognize it EVEN WHEN ITS POINTED OUT TO THEM. They can't recognize it, they can't see it as a problem, and they can't fix it. This -- affection as currency, leverage, or a weapon -- is the whole thing with these sexless marriages. Sex isn't even the problem. It's the person. And the can't be fixed except sometimes by the Divorce. That is so true. Sex really isn't the problem it's a symptom of a problem. At the end of the day people get divorced, become happy, and life goes on.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2017 12:24:14 GMT -5
Oh BBG, this sounds like a "Communication Issue". Perhaps you should talk to him with the subject and predicate reversed so it sounds less intimidating? More passive. More like Yoda. Ha! I love it and trust me I am going to make him aware of the scorecard at the end of the day, at the end of the month, and at the end of the year. He can voice his greivances to me too and at the end of the day we aren't married anymore and if we don't want to try anymore it's so easy to exit stage left because I've done it before. But we are honestly going to try harder this time. You're awesome. It seems so weird to me that he .... You know. Why not just PARTICIPATE, be KIND, and have a GREAT active and SEXY Life. WTH!! Even thinking about it PISSES ME OFF. "Hey, maybe we could try making love now? No? Maybe next week? What about for the kids?" When you figure out why he refuses to just jump your freaking bones, please post that. The fact that you have such a cordial relationship makes me think he might actually and honestly tell you.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2017 12:27:49 GMT -5
Not as much as I love the brilliance. Yup. Since when does communication prevent someone from wanting to make love to their loved one? Or who doesn't know how to ask for some affection? Or who should have to be asked a "Certain Way"? It's all BS. Let's work for 18 months to see if we can get George to ask Kate on a date. And then teach Kate to say "Y E S". Back to the drawing board. I'm still waiting for the explanation of the solution to someone in a marriage using affection as currency, leverage, or a weapon. These are pathological, and I'm starting to believe the folks that do it are simply NOT self-Aware enough to recognize it EVEN WHEN ITS POINTED OUT TO THEM. They can't recognize it, they can't see it as a problem, and they can't fix it. This -- affection as currency, leverage, or a weapon -- is the whole thing with these sexless marriages. Sex isn't even the problem. It's the person. And the can't be fixed except sometimes by the Divorce. That is so true. Sex really isn't the problem it's a symptom of a problem. At the end of the day people get divorced, become happy, and life goes on. I can't wait to report back and say: "I got divorced and now I'm happier than I was 2 years before the divorce." But if you say it happens, I'll believe you. You wouldn't lie to me, would you bballgirl?
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 18, 2017 13:27:03 GMT -5
That is so true. Sex really isn't the problem it's a symptom of a problem. At the end of the day people get divorced, become happy, and life goes on. I can't wait to report back and say: "I got divorced and now I'm happier than I was 2 years before the divorce." But if you say it happens, I'll believe you. You wouldn't lie to me, would you bballgirl? Honey I promise and no I would never lie to you! Seriously it's like walking out of prison and being free again. I can't wait for the day you post that!
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 18, 2017 13:38:36 GMT -5
Ha! I love it and trust me I am going to make him aware of the scorecard at the end of the day, at the end of the month, and at the end of the year. He can voice his greivances to me too and at the end of the day we aren't married anymore and if we don't want to try anymore it's so easy to exit stage left because I've done it before. But we are honestly going to try harder this time. You're awesome. It seems so weird to me that he .... You know. Why not just PARTICIPATE, be KIND, and have a GREAT active and SEXY Life. WTH!! Even thinking about it PISSES ME OFF. "Hey, maybe we could try making love now? No? Maybe next week? What about for the kids?" When you figure out why he refuses to just jump your freaking bones, please post that. The fact that you have such a cordial relationship makes me think he might actually and honestly tell you. We talked a little about it and there was a lot of stress in our marriage due to finances. Back in 2010 he had a 40% pay cut, gambling addiction, he said I'm overbearing at times ( there's that strong woman thing) maybe he felt less of a man because I handled everything, he was depressed, he felt like a failure, he gained weight, poor diet no exercise. Fast forward to today he has type 2 diabetes, erectile dysfunction, he's handsome and not HUGE but he's on the lazy side and not proactive about his health. So in his 40's when he was able to fuck me he didn't and I've forgiven him for that. Now in his 50's I'm not interested in sex with him. So we are compatible in that way now and if he never brings up sex again I can live with that. Honestly the way I look at sex - if I'm going to eat a steak I'm going to eat a great one!!
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 18, 2017 13:45:36 GMT -5
“Back in 2010 he had a 40% pay cut, gambling addiction, he said I'm overbearing at times ( there's that strong woman thing) maybe he felt less of a man because I handled everything, he was depressed,”
You had to take charge because he had dropped the ball. The pay cut may or may not have been bad luck, but the gambling addiction was a major problem caused by his irresponsibility. Your family may have been left homeless if you had dropped the ball instead of stepping up. Reasons to feel good about being a strong woman. He is fortunate that you stayed with him.
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 18, 2017 13:51:15 GMT -5
“Back in 2010 he had a 40% pay cut, gambling addiction, he said I'm overbearing at times ( there's that strong woman thing) maybe he felt less of a man because I handled everything, he was depressed,” You had to take charge because he had dropped the ball. The pay cut may or may not have been bad luck, but the gambling addiction was a major problem caused by his irresponsibility. Your family may have been left homeless if you had dropped the ball instead of stepping up. Reasons to feel good about being a strong woman. He is fortunate that you stayed with him. He is very lucky that he has a second chance to be part of my life.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2017 13:55:34 GMT -5
You're awesome. It seems so weird to me that he .... You know. Why not just PARTICIPATE, be KIND, and have a GREAT active and SEXY Life. WTH!! Even thinking about it PISSES ME OFF. "Hey, maybe we could try making love now? No? Maybe next week? What about for the kids?" When you figure out why he refuses to just jump your freaking bones, please post that. The fact that you have such a cordial relationship makes me think he might actually and honestly tell you. We talked a little about it and there was a lot of stress in our marriage due to finances. Back in 2010 he had a 40% pay cut, gambling addiction, he said I'm overbearing at times ( there's that strong woman thing) maybe he felt less of a man because I handled everything, he was depressed, he felt like a failure, he gained weight, poor diet no exercise. Fast forward to today he has type 2 diabetes, erectile dysfunction, he's handsome and not HUGE but he's on the lazy side and not proactive about his health. So in his 40's when he was able to fuck me he didn't and I've forgiven him for that. Now in his 50's I'm not interested in sex with him. So we are compatible in that way now and if he never brings up sex again I can live with that. Honestly the way I look at sex - if I'm going to eat a steak I'm going to eat a great one!! Rats. He screwed himself. Does he have no desire to get healthy or have sex again?
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 18, 2017 14:13:12 GMT -5
We talked a little about it and there was a lot of stress in our marriage due to finances. Back in 2010 he had a 40% pay cut, gambling addiction, he said I'm overbearing at times ( there's that strong woman thing) maybe he felt less of a man because I handled everything, he was depressed, he felt like a failure, he gained weight, poor diet no exercise. Fast forward to today he has type 2 diabetes, erectile dysfunction, he's handsome and not HUGE but he's on the lazy side and not proactive about his health. So in his 40's when he was able to fuck me he didn't and I've forgiven him for that. Now in his 50's I'm not interested in sex with him. So we are compatible in that way now and if he never brings up sex again I can live with that. Honestly the way I look at sex - if I'm going to eat a steak I'm going to eat a great one!! Rats. He screwed himself. Does he have no desire to get healthy or have sex again? Sex - I'd be shocked. He has said sex isn't important to him and I believe him. At this point with the ED it's not a choice for him and the best he would get from me is starfish doggy style sex if he did solve his problem which is not very intimate. His health - he is going to doctors and trying to manage his diabetes. He has lost weight since the divorce. Yeah he ultimately shot himself in the foot with his health but it's never too late!
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Post by workingonit on Nov 18, 2017 22:17:21 GMT -5
JMX I am also a strong woman and that has come up in our therapy too. I have a hard time asking for help or showing weakness. I totally understand the submissive thing. As a strong woman I feel like the only time I can truly let go is with someone strong. I don't know if it is submissive but being with someone strong allows me to trust enough to fully let go. That is the place of true intimacy. This is one of the key problems in my marriage.
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