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Post by JMX on Nov 17, 2017 22:20:25 GMT -5
I am a little pissed at my therapist.
I don't expect her to not challenge me - I do expect a challenge!!! I like it. I just don't like it when she knows more than me.
Last session - I gave her permission to communicate to our marriage therapist that is seeing my husband solo currently and not us as a unit, to divulge (basically) that she thinks I am headed for divorce.
Apparently, my husband is "working on" not being so uncommunicative. Okay. Cool.
Can he start communicating with me?
But I left my last, now monthly session, thinking -What The Actual Fuuuuuucccckkkkk?
Apparently, I need to search myself for why my husband is no longer interested in me.
After 12 of our 15 years.
Also? Apparently I am a "strong" woman. Any relationship that I get into heretofore will be strife with conflict if I choose someone that can match me toe-to-toe. Even if it's one that wants me too, but argues with me.
I LOVE disagreements because it keeps you sharp!
She doesn't believe I can be or want to be submissive. She wants me to "let go of the fantasy". And, simultaneously, she is telling me that I need to work on "stuff".
But no one is telling me what I need to work on!!
I KNOW I am not perfect. I KNOW my flaws and readily admit them as well as apologize for them when issues come up. I try and change that behavior. I am sometimes successful. Sometimes not.
I am tired of counseling.
I am not afraid.
I am tired.
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Post by jim44444 on Nov 17, 2017 22:29:23 GMT -5
Being submissive and being a strong woman are not mutually exclusive. IMO they go hand in hand, a woman must be strong to embrace her submissive self.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 17, 2017 22:34:24 GMT -5
Um. Why would you want to be submissive?!
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 17, 2017 22:38:59 GMT -5
Umm, fuck you, lady.
Her telling you you need to work on "stuff" is not helpful. At your next appt can you ask her for specifics on that? Honestly, tell her how this last appt made you feel. You are paying her to help you. If this is not helpful to you (and is just pissing you off) maybe she can either help you understand WHY and either THAT will be helpful to you, or you'll realize maybe it's time to move on from therapy with her.
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Post by JMX on Nov 17, 2017 22:40:18 GMT -5
Um. Why would you want to be submissive?! Honestly, I would like to be taken care of at home. My therapist suggested that I push the "date night" initiative. I asked her - when do I get to be the "girl"? I am not sure how to explain that.
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Post by JMX on Nov 17, 2017 22:47:16 GMT -5
Umm, fuck you, lady. Her telling you you need to work on "stuff" is not helpful. At your next appt can you ask her for specifics on that? Honestly, tell her how this last appt made you feel. You are paying her to help you. If this is not helpful to you (and is just pissing you off) maybe she can either help you understand WHY and either THAT will be helpful to you, or you'll realize maybe it's time to move on from therapy with her. In fairness, she is trying to get me to say myself what I need to work on maybe? Maybe I need to figure it out. Maybe she challenged me on purpose? I have my down times -but the are wholly related to my SM. Otherwise? I have quirks but am pretty awesome!
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 17, 2017 22:51:44 GMT -5
Um. Why would you want to be submissive?! Honestly, I would like to be taken care of at home. My therapist suggested that I push the "date night" initiative. I asked her - when do I get to be the "girl"? I am not sure how to explain that. Well my impression is that your husband needs to "man the fuck up." I married a strong woman. My LDR is a strong woman. I don't understand why some guys have a problem with a woman that can stand toe to toe with them, discuss things, and make decisions together, or even take the lead. Maybe I'm just weird about that.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 17, 2017 23:16:16 GMT -5
JMX - you aren’t just “pretty awesome” - you are totally bad-ass awesome! I agree therapist may be trying to get you to say what it is that you think you need to work on in yourself. This theory lines up with the info I learn in classes. A therapist is never supposed to push their own agenda. Also, you can’t fix anything BUT things about yourself. However, I also think you may get to a point that a different therapist- or the same one using different techniques- may help better. I don’t understand the two opposing advices between you should push date night vs you can’t be submissive. For my worldview, you can’t be submissive actually sounds like a compliment. Like: Kudos! You couldn’t be submissive if you tried! But it’s hard to tell, reading text without intonation. Just remember- you ARE totally awesome. Your H must be blind to not know that.
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Post by baza on Nov 17, 2017 23:25:00 GMT -5
Where your therapist said - "Apparently, I need to search myself for why my husband is no longer interested in me". In other words take a full and frank inventory of your contribution to the fuck up. That is actually pretty sound advice - but for the fact that you - of all the membership here - have already done this and done it several times. It appears to be redundant advice now. How much introspection or addressing his own shit your spouse has done is unknown, but lets be generous and assume he has been working his arse off too. If that's the case, then where he is now is pretty much it. The version of Mr JMX he now presents to you is as good as it is going to get. You (and he) may have reached the limits of what a combination of he and you are capable of achieving in a partnership.
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Post by JMX on Nov 17, 2017 23:30:51 GMT -5
Thank you baza - I am actually why-chasing my therapist at this point - what am I missing now? What did I do this time? What do in NOT understand?
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Post by M2G on Nov 17, 2017 23:48:47 GMT -5
To me it's simple as this:
If you are a strong person, be sure you're not crossing the line to become an abuser. If you are submissive, be strong enough not to allow yourself to be abused.
Decide where your boundaries are, and don't let them be violated, by you or your partner. Respect your partners boundaries as well.
Can be much harder than it seems, but well worth the effort.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 17, 2017 23:54:23 GMT -5
“Apparently, I need to search myself for why my husband is no longer interested in me".
Sounds like your therapist is why chasing and pointing the finger at you. If your husband had low t, is addicted to porn or is having a midlife crisis and an affair, you would not have caused any of those things.
It would be better to why chase your reasons for staying in the relationship....
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 18, 2017 7:10:56 GMT -5
Um. Why would you want to be submissive?! Honestly, I would like to be taken care of at home. My therapist suggested that I push the "date night" initiative. I asked her - when do I get to be the "girl"? I am not sure how to explain that. So you like conflict/ toe to toe arguments and still be submissive. Perhaps your a Brat. 😉
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Nov 18, 2017 7:39:07 GMT -5
I’m all for therapy and like many who attend willing to take the advice of a professional to better myself and my life but this seems shitty to me. We can’t change who we are... JMX you’re a strong woman so be it. There are plenty of men who fantasize about a woman who knows what she wants kicks ass and takes names. If my husband was emasculated by my “strong will” I’d tell him to go fuck himself, cuz that’s what us strong minded girls do😊
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Post by TMD on Nov 18, 2017 10:06:42 GMT -5
I think I relate to what JMX means by, “submissive.”
It’s well known amongst family and friends that I am a strong woman. However, about 5 years ago I wasn’t so strong. I was pretty broken, defeated, tired, depressed, etc. I needed my husband, as somebody else here said, to “man up.”
I needed to let him take the lead and help me through. And he couldn’t/didn’t.
While searching on the internet for, “how to fix my sexless marriage,” i found two sites: the Experience Project’s board, “I Live in a Sexless Marriage,” and Ashley Madison.
I utilized both tools and quickly arrived at the realization that there is no FIXING the marriage.
Anyways, I bunny trailed there, back to my point... I have an amazing lover. In the course of getting to know him, I realized that I needed him, that I needed him to pick me up (not literally) and love me back into some semblance of a normal human being. I was rather passive at this point in time. And it felt good to let somebody guide me — primarily in love making, but there was this one time he was on a business trip and I was checking in on the, “love nest,” and he asked, “can you do me a favour and make the bed for me?”
OMG. I was so eager to please him — I made that bed for him with deep appreciation for a man who knows what he wants, what’s important to him, can express it.
I learned to submit to a man, to let him take the lead. Sometimes I do things my way, and sometimes I do things his way. And it’s a beautiful balance. Call it submission, if you will. But it works.
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