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Post by northstarmom on Dec 24, 2017 9:57:08 GMT -5
“I thought you married me for who I am” implication being, I am simply after a fuck and nothing more. That one works so well! You can even get neutral friends on side with this one! It’s almost flawless.”
It’s only flawless if you and your friends don’t believe marriage involves sex. Otherwise, the statement is laughable. If your friends would think the statement makes sense, you need new friends. If you really think something is wrong with you for wanting and expecting sex inbyour marriage do more reading here and about normal human sexuality.
No one can take advantage of you without your consent.
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Post by rubyslippers on Jan 13, 2018 2:20:27 GMT -5
We have been married for 9 years all of which have been SM mostly. Several "resets" but now its been 4 years. H had low T now treated and was sexually abused as a child by a priest. He told me about the abuse maybe 2 years into the marriage. He said he didn't known it had affect him. He has been in counseling for probably 50% of the marriage, just an estimate. I went with him a couple times to his therapist, but he has always said this was his issue. I saw a sex therapist, marriage counselor Monday and we are suppose to start couples therapy next Monday. I told him I needed him to go because I just can't live like this anymore. I have tried everything else: crying, talking, begging and pleading, ignoring, you name it. I am starting to hate myself and do not like what living like this for so long is turning me into. This awful pain and resentment feels like it is all consuming. Im not sure what has pushed me to the end of my rope, but I think it is my soul trying to self preservate. I guess I will give couples therapy a try and see how that goes. Im just not sure if I am able to let him back in time after time, its too painful. rubyslippers I am so sorry to read this. It made me sit at my desk with my head in my hands for a long time just overwhelmed at the damage that sexual abuse of children causes- not over months or years but decades, generations. I don't think that many here will disagree with me when I say that I don't think that there is the remotest chance that your situation is fixable, and your continuing to hope that it is will result in your gradual but inexorable soul-death. Do you have children or financial reasons to have to stay with your husband? If not, I suggest that you turn your thoughts to planning a gradual exit, or a 'negotiated "cheat"' strategy [ie I wouldn't cheat, necessarily, but would talk to husband about outsourcing]. Whichever works. But please don't stay, you deserve better. Your husband needs to find a more compatible partner. Sorry and hugs. [br I'm back. Been to 2 therapist, we didn't like the first one. Had one visit with the new one. So far no changes. Blew up again tonight. I just wanted to know why or how he can lay over there and not give me a kiss or touch me me for so long. I just need to know why. I'm dying inside. I guess I will have to get enough strength to leave. I don't work full time, we have no children together, I have one. He is 19. I just turned 40. I feel like I am wasting my life, but he is great in all other ways. He makes good money and is good in all other ways. I'm just broken and probably codependent now that we have moved 1400 miles for his job and I have no family nearby. I feel so stupid.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 13, 2018 9:15:49 GMT -5
Ruby slippers: asking your husband why he won’t f is a waste of time. He won’t tell you because if he did, you’d know there’s no hope and you would then leave and he’d lose the benefits of marriage.
Those benefits to him may be his not wanting to give up half of the assets as many states require of partners in long marriages. Of course he won’t tell you such a reason because then you’d know he is with you only for convenience.
What you have now is probably the best this marriage will be from now on. Seeing a lawyer (the first visit may be free) would help you know your options. Individual therapy could help you build a happy life that responds to your needs by taking actions that make you happy. You can not change your husband. You can get a job, make friends and do independently of your husband activities you enjoy,
Chasing your husband’s why is just leaving you stuck in misery.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 13, 2018 10:23:32 GMT -5
rubyslippers I don't feel in a position to give advice, but I know a few things about therapy. Your money would be better spent on individual therapy than marriage. My two cents.
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