|
Post by northstarmom on Nov 9, 2017 12:52:11 GMT -5
A NYTimes article linking honesty to happiness. Imagine if you were to apply this to your marriage and way of presenting your marriage to your partner and others. “Even though honesty felt like a struggle, I started to like how it felt. Research from the University of Notre Dame has shown that when people consciously stopped telling lies, including white lies, for 10 weeks, they had fewer physical ailments (like headaches) and fewer mental health complaints (like symptoms of depression) than a control group that did not focus on honesty. When people were more honest, they also tended to feel better about their relationships and social interactions, the researchers found. This rang true for me, mostly because I felt better about myself. I like the saying, “Everybody wants the truth, but nobody wants to be honest.” I didn’t always want to be honest. But I wanted the truth, and this focus on honesty helped me feel that I was doing my part. The bottom line is that focusing on honesty is a way to actively engage with the world, versus passively complaining about it.” mobile.nytimes.com/2017/09/19/well/mind/how-honesty-could-make-you-happier.amp.html
|
|
|
Post by M2G on Nov 9, 2017 15:10:17 GMT -5
Agree - never any secrets between us, ever - however horrible as the truth was, we never backed away and never lied to each other - until the one issue that brought me here.
Just one, and only one, and the relationship is swirling the drain.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Nov 9, 2017 15:13:17 GMT -5
Being honest about one’s life also means being honest about one’s marriage and not putting on a fake show so that others think you have romance and passion. No being all warm and cuddly with one’s refuser in public when you don’t even share a bed.
|
|
|
Post by M2G on Nov 9, 2017 15:37:29 GMT -5
Never bothered with a show in public or family - it's worse: putting on a show to fool ourselves. How's that for asinine?
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Nov 18, 2017 21:50:21 GMT -5
Never bothered with a show in public or family - it's worse: putting on a show to fool ourselves. How's that for asinine? "Putting on a show to fool ourselves". Wow - this just hit me like a brick. I have to wonder if that's what my H and I are doing too. We don't put on a show for others. There's no PDA or even touching in front of others, just like there really isn't when we're alone. But we continue to keep up the fascade of being "in love" even when it's just us. We say we miss each other when he is traveling. We say I love you every night and call each other baby... sometimes I feel like it's just all bullshit because we don't even want to admit to ourselves we're not happy much less to the other. I wonder if he feels this way too or if we truly are so disconnected that he wouldn't even understand what I was talking about?? Thanks for the thought M2G.
|
|
|
Post by M2G on Nov 18, 2017 23:31:47 GMT -5
You're welcome choosinghappyWe just spent the better part of the day just talking, with no other expectations. I had a fucking great day with my wife today. Pretty deep stuff, especially going over a lot of stuff re: how our parents raised us to fail at relationships, and how we're progressing on the deprogramming. I estimate I've had about 200 hours of "therapy" over the last 4 to 5 weeks; lots of driving for my job so lots of time on audio books. We exchanged a lot of ideas. Mostly though I enjoy talking with my W again. I call that a great move forward.
|
|
|
Post by lifeinwoodinville on Nov 19, 2017 5:44:00 GMT -5
I work with a guy that tells people exactly what he thinks all the time. I don’t think he lies about anything. Personally I love the man, he says what I am thinking. And he does seem to be a healthy as a horse. But he’s miserable as all holy hell! Absolutely miserable! Healthy... and miserable.
And how do we know the people in the study were being truthful about telling the truth? They may be the ultimate liars! They are so happy and feel great because they managed to pull one over on everyone!
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Nov 19, 2017 14:35:59 GMT -5
“ I work with a guy that tells people exactly what he thinks all the time. I don’t think he lies about anything.”
If he just blurts out insulting things that’s being s jackass.
Example, someone asks if she looks good in her dress.
A jackass might truthfully say, “it makes your ass look big and it makes you look 6 months pregnant.”
A kind person might truthfully say, “The color is very flattering.”
One of those persons will have friends, the other would be avoided by others.
|
|
|
Post by M2G on Nov 19, 2017 19:05:24 GMT -5
Decent day, diagnosed W's Jeep problem this AM and its not something I plan to take of myself so off to mechanic it goes.
Conversation still good & she's making dinner. Thought better of trying to initiate - even though it was all I could think about.
I think there is a problem related to something in the past, early 2k, which is fucked up and more complex than it needed to be, and for sure its a trust problem.
SM or not it needs some truth to come out, and probably will be asking opinions. Strange, I can look at peoples issues and can many times see the solution, but for my own piles of mess I go totally blank.
Glad you guys are here.
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 19, 2017 19:49:20 GMT -5
M2G - I definitely identify with being able to see issues for others, in their story or their current issues. But, most often, my own are impenetrable foggy puzzles.
|
|
|
Post by snowman12345 on Nov 19, 2017 22:15:37 GMT -5
A NYTimes article linking honesty to happiness. Imagine if you were to apply this to your marriage and way of presenting your marriage to your partner and others. I like the saying, “Everybody wants the truth, but nobody wants to be honest.” I didn’t always want to be honest. But I wanted the truth, and this focus on honesty helped me feel that I was doing my part. The bottom line is that focusing on honesty is a way to actively engage with the world, versus passively complaining about it.” mobile.nytimes.com/2017/09/19/well/mind/how-honesty-could-make-you-happier.amp.htmlI like the other saying, "Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die." Do I lie to my wife? No, not really. Do I disclose everything? Oh, Hell no! What I didn't find in the article was - what was her definition of happiness? To be "honest" I am not a big fan of the NYT. I find to much skewing of information to alter how it is seen. Also it was not a real study - with control groups and everything - just some writer's opinion.
|
|
|
Post by lifeinwoodinville on Nov 22, 2017 7:14:23 GMT -5
“ I work with a guy that tells people exactly what he thinks all the time. I don’t think he lies about anything.” If he just blurts out insulting things that’s being s jackass. Example, someone asks if she looks good in her dress. A jackass might truthfully say, “it makes your ass look big and it makes you look 6 months pregnant.” A kind person might truthfully say, “The color is very flattering.” One of those persons will have friends, the other would be avoided by others. It’s more like “I feel like this meeting about choosing a theme for our group is a complete waste of time when we could all be getting real work done” I don’t think I’ve ever heard the man compliment anyone on their appearance.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Nov 22, 2017 8:07:32 GMT -5
“It’s more like “I feel like this meeting about choosing a theme for our group is a complete waste of time when we could all be getting real work done.”
Lol! I like that guy. Said something similar to my boss yesterday about a meeting we both were involved with. She agreed with me.
|
|
maninfull
New Member
Posts: 14
Age Range: 56-60
|
Post by maninfull on Nov 22, 2017 11:42:24 GMT -5
A SM is itself a symptom of great dishonesty. The refusing partner is ultimately incapable of honesty, yet we want them to be honest with us, to tell us the "truth"; it won't happen. Therefore, the responsibility for "honesty" is on us, the refused, not to tell our spouse/partner how we feel or what we need (they KNOW!), but rather to tell ourselves the truth and then accept responsibility for all that follows. For me the final, shattering, honesty was this:
My SM was not going to change because my x-wife was not willing to change, therefore I could choose to live in endless unhappiness and anger, or leave with all its consequences, which I did.
Some truths I've discovered: - Your SM spouse/partner knows you're miserable; yet if he/she refuses to work on the issues and we continue to accept his/her pronouncements of "love" who is at fault for our continued wretched unhappiness?! - There is a difference between being "selfish" and "self-full". - My incredibly wise mother, when I told her and my dad that I was leaving my wife - the mother of my 4 children, she said simply, "You're saving your life." - Great sex can and should lead to great emotional intimacy which can and should lead to great sex which leads to more ...
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Nov 23, 2017 7:53:51 GMT -5
I like the other saying, "Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die." Do I lie to my wife? No, not really. Do I disclose everything? Oh, Hell no! What I didn't find in the article was - what was her definition of happiness? To be "honest" I am not a big fan of the NYT. I find to much skewing of information to alter how it is seen. Also it was not a real study - with control groups and everything - just some writer's opinion. I don’t want to go to heaven. Not anymore. Let me burn. What is this heaven you speak of?
|
|