|
|
Post by Caris on Nov 7, 2017 21:53:52 GMT -5
I’m casually browsing OKC, reading profiles that draw my attention. I have no desire to strike up a conversation with anyone, I’m just fascinated by people who have a zest for life, and do interesting things, like Friday night: you’ll find him camping out, cooking on a camp fire, and then listening to tree frogs, and the sounds of nature. I’m in awe, imagining how cool that must be. There are others with different interests that make me feel like they are extraterrestrials (or maybe I’m like the extraterrestrial looking on in amazement that these strange creatures actually have lives).
Having a zest for life. It intrigues me. It’s alien to me. I wonder where it comes from. I wonder how I obtain this for myself. I wonder how one goes about having a life. Where does the spark come from? How can I get the spark? I recall a spark within me, a very long time ago...so long ago, the memory is dim, like it was a hundred years ago. I’m intrigued by it. I don’t have it, so I vicariously feel it through others. I think the pilot light went out on my spark, but I’m fascinated by it. Maybe if I keep reading about others, it will create a desire, and perhaps desire will light the spark that may lead to having a life. Imagine that. It’s like a dream. Imagine me having a life. Imagine me having a zest for life. It’s incredible. I would like to have it. It feels strange and foreign, and good.
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Nov 7, 2017 22:35:46 GMT -5
BTDT in terms of losing my zest. This includes over the past few months. In fact, I'm just getting my zest back. When it's gone, it is hard for me to remember what it was like to wake up and be excited about life instead of feeling like I'm going through the motions.
What has helped: a good antidepressant. I am not on one now, but I did take one for about 5 straight years and had not one serious depression during that time. I stopped taking it when I lost my insurance after my divorce. The generic version would have cost me $600 a month, so I weaned myself off. For about 2 years I was fine, then I got depressed again.
What I have been doing to dig my way out (While I know meds work for me, I am terrified of getting back on them only to not have my insurance cover them): pushing myself to get out of the box that I have been in.
I have taken up painting as a distraction. I didn't find a teacher or a class that were good fits but the exploration kept my mind off feeling nothing.
Taking a couple of dance classes including a workshop in some kind of African fusion dance. Another good way of distracting myself
Embarking on doing the 3-month program, "The Artists' Way". I started a FB group for like minded friends. The book's premise is that everyone is creative but we have to give ourselves permission to be creative. One does journaling in the morning and takes oneself on weekly artist dates designed to nurture one's soul. Worked OK for me, but I was doing more than my share in the FB group of keeping the group going.
Continuing to work out even when I didn't feel like it. You've posted that you have some injuries. Are there any kinds of exercises you can do? About a year ago, the arthritis in my knee hurt so much I couldn't bend it to get into my own car. I kept going to the gym, but focused on arm exercises.
Pinning on Pinterest things that bring you joy, peace or bring a smile to your face.
Meditating
Seeing friends (If you can't see friends, perhaps you could call them or Skype with them)
Petting cuddly animals. If you don't have any, maybe you could pet a friend's or volunteer at the shelter
Doing something for others. Research indicates that volunteering or donating boosts endorphins.
Counting one's blessings. Gratitude does boost many people's moods.
Listening to music that lift's one's spirits.
Therapy with a good therapist
Getting a massage, facial or makeover
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Nov 7, 2017 23:19:33 GMT -5
Oooh, I really like this bit Sister Caris - "Maybe if I keep reading about others, it will create a desire, and perhaps desire will light the spark that may lead to having a life. Imagine that. It’s like a dream. Imagine me having a life. Imagine me having a zest for life. It’s incredible. I would like to have it" It strongly suggests that your pilot light is actually still on. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Nov 8, 2017 7:09:17 GMT -5
I agree with Baz, Caris. Your pilot light is on. You may be inching toward dating like a friend of mine who gave up on men for more than a decade after her teen daughter was gang raped. Some trauma involving men, traumas like your painful marriage, can result in one’s taking years, even more than a decade to trust again.
You have been coming back to life since your divorce and even since your ex’s death. Your even wondering about how to get your spark back is a sign of your progress. No hurry. No judgment from me. Just an observation about how you have been evolving, something difficult to see from the inside. You may or may not ever date again. Still, it looks like you are moving toward more fully embracing life.
|
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 8, 2017 8:34:36 GMT -5
Sister Caris - I also agree that your fascination with a zest for life is an indicator that your pilot light is on, or at least a sign that it can be re-lit. Doesn’t matter what form your zest may take (dating or not, or just making friends or even just loving solo-time more, enjoying things more). Like the friends at your bookstore- I loved knowing you had a public place to go that made you feel good when you had the vertigo episode- what you said was they know you there. And that made me glad they exist, that you had become a regular, & that their environment gives you comfort. This is a small thing, but don’t discount its importance. It’s a milestone for how to build the network you will love most. I hope your network continues to firm up as well as to grow wider, and that you find joyfulness growing, even when you don’t realize or notice it. It’s a long road & a small wheel but as long as we are alive, we get a new chance each day to grow our pilot light, our zest for how we spend our moments. May your moments be zesty, sister. |
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Nov 8, 2017 14:34:50 GMT -5
I agree with the others - you have awareness for it and you are stating you would like to wander in that direction yourself. I know I don't matter to you, but it really makes me feel good for you to read this post of yours, honestly. You have the tools, knowledge, willingness to explore healing, growing and getting in touch with your life again and I have no doubt you will find your way through. I want to give suggestions, so very badly, but I am refraining because you know yourself and this post shows you are open to exploring. However you do that - there is no wrong way. Yes, it IS good. Having a zest for life is a beautiful way to "be." Keep peeling away at the layers to your authentic self. Take care.
|
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Nov 8, 2017 16:11:00 GMT -5
Mary Oliver is a poet that deeply touches my spirit, and the spirits of my like minded friends who have all walked through depression on the path of mindfulness. She has a new book out called Devotions. This little line brought a smile to my face today, anyway, and I thought I'd just leave it here for you. Take care.  photo hosting sites |
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Nov 8, 2017 20:43:23 GMT -5
Sister Caris - I also agree that your fascination with a zest for life is an indicator that your pilot light is on, or at least a sign that it can be re-lit. Doesn’t matter what form your zest may take (dating or not, or just making friends or even just loving solo-time more, enjoying things more). Like the friends at your bookstore- I loved knowing you had a public place to go that made you feel good when you had the vertigo episode- what you said was they know you there. And that made me glad they exist, that you had become a regular, & that their environment gives you comfort. This is a small thing, but don’t discount its importance. It’s a milestone for how to build the network you will love most. I hope your network continues to firm up as well as to grow wider, and that you find joyfulness growing, even when you don’t realize or notice it. It’s a long road & a small wheel but as long as we are alive, we get a new chance each day to grow our pilot light, our zest for how we spend our moments. May your moments be zesty, sister. Grant, I did it...I went out socially for the first time with a mixed group. It’s taken me 2.5-years to get to this point, but after listening to Jordan Peterson a few days ago, and having my scary spinning episode, it gave me the impetus to do it. Jordan Peterson said look at all your possibilities and potential to get closer to what you want, or further away from your suffering. Well, much of my suffering is isolation and loneliness, so I thought about what potential and possibilities there are for me to at least be around other people, and there are lots of things here, so I went along to a group social tonight, and it was good. I had several conversations, and was even asked out for coffee. I just didn’t realize I was being asked out, until I got home. I’m really slow on the uptake being so rusty with male/female relationships, but I have at least made some acquaintances. That’s more than the zero I had before tonight. I’m just glad that I actually got out of the door, and did it for myself. Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Nov 8, 2017 21:02:12 GMT -5
Hooray!! I had several conversations, and was even asked out for coffee. I just didn’t realize I was being asked out, until I got home. ;-) |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2017 0:50:21 GMT -5
This too! More hope!
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Nov 10, 2017 10:33:39 GMT -5
Caris "Having a zest for life. It intrigues me. It’s alien to me. I wonder where it comes from. I wonder how I obtain this for myself." I think that, despite an almost comically long list of flaws, I have a zest for life. Now that I am no longer encumbered by my ex-wife (on a day-to-day basis), I actually have the OPPORTUNITY to pursue the "zesty" life. Does this happen automatically? Nope. I've got to work fucking hard at it. It is all too easy to let entropy take over and let despair wash over what is possible. If I may suggest a few things? Take an inventory of what you have going for you. - Are you alive? Check. - Are you in a wheelchair? Nope. - Do you have your mental faculties? Yup. - I'm sure you have a list of specific items you can also add to this. Much in life to be grateful for while we are breathing. Next? Figure out what "zesty" things appeal to you. Next? Is there anything inherently preventing you from doing any of these things? For example, if you're a quadriplegic, rock climbing might not be your thing. If so, scratch them from the list. Next? Get out there and DO it. Taking action is the most important thing here. Any action. No matter how small. As a matter of fact, the smaller the action, the BETTER. Small actions are less daunting than large ones. After work today? I'm driving to the airport and jumping on a plane to see ballofconfusion for our 8th weekend together. If neither of us drove to the airport, there wouldn't have been weekend number 1 let alone weekend number 8. If we never had booked the weekends, we wouldn't have gone to the airport. If we never reached out to each other, we never would have booked the flight. Action builds on action. "Zest" doesn't just happen. You don't "obtain" it. It requires action, even when that action is HARD. Without going into great detail, the past week has been really rough for both myself and for ballofconfusion (mostly family stuff). At various points, neither of us felt very "zesty". As a matter of fact, we actually felt kinda shitty and depressed. But I absolutely guarantee that in about 12 hours from now, we are going to be zesty as hell (assuming the idea of driving on the 5 to her place while receiving a blowjob sounds zesty...it sure does to me). The guy camping with the tree frogs? He went to the store and bought gear. He got in the car. He drove to the tree frogs. Volia! Zesty. Were there bugs? Was the temperature uncomfortable? Did his campfire cooking give him the runs? Did it rain? Perhaps yes on some of these. That isn't what you see in the pictures, but zesty doesn't mean bliss. But from my experience, it beats the hell out of living vicariously through others. Screw that. Life is too short. Let others live vicariously through YOU. But the main thing to do is act. And that is 110% in your control.
|
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Nov 10, 2017 12:11:56 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Nov 10, 2017 20:30:29 GMT -5
Caris "Having a zest for life. It intrigues me. It’s alien to me. I wonder where it comes from. I wonder how I obtain this for myself." I think that, despite an almost comically long list of flaws, I have a zest for life. Now that I am no longer encumbered by my ex-wife (on a day-to-day basis), I actually have the OPPORTUNITY to pursue the "zesty" life. Does this happen automatically? Nope. I've got to work fucking hard at it. It is all too easy to let entropy take over and let despair wash over what is possible. If I may suggest a few things? Take an inventory of what you have going for you. - Are you alive? Check. - Are you in a wheelchair? Nope. - Do you have your mental faculties? Yup. - I'm sure you have a list of specific items you can also add to this. Much in life to be grateful for while we are breathing. Next? Figure out what "zesty" things appeal to you. Next? Is there anything inherently preventing you from doing any of these things? For example, if you're a quadriplegic, rock climbing might not be your thing. If so, scratch them from the list. Next? Get out there and DO it. Taking action is the most important thing here. Any action. No matter how small. As a matter of fact, the smaller the action, the BETTER. Small actions are less daunting than large ones. After work today? I'm driving to the airport and jumping on a plane to see ballofconfusion for our 8th weekend together. If neither of us drove to the airport, there wouldn't have been weekend number 1 let alone weekend number 8. If we never had booked the weekends, we wouldn't have gone to the airport. If we never reached out to each other, we never would have booked the flight. Action builds on action. "Zest" doesn't just happen. You don't "obtain" it. It requires action, even when that action is HARD. Without going into great detail, the past week has been really rough for both myself and for ballofconfusion (mostly family stuff). At various points, neither of us felt very "zesty". As a matter of fact, we actually felt kinda shitty and depressed. But I absolutely guarantee that in about 12 hours from now, we are going to be zesty as hell (assuming the idea of driving on the 5 to her place while receiving a blowjob sounds zesty...it sure does to me). The guy camping with the tree frogs? He went to the store and bought gear. He got in the car. He drove to the tree frogs. Volia! Zesty. Were there bugs? Was the temperature uncomfortable? Did his campfire cooking give him the runs? Did it rain? Perhaps yes on some of these. That isn't what you see in the pictures, but zesty doesn't mean bliss. But from my experience, it beats the hell out of living vicariously through others. Screw that. Life is too short. Let others live vicariously through YOU. But the main thing to do is act. And that is 110% in your control. Thank you for your input, Shamwow, but the zest and spark I speak off does not come from doing things I enjoy. I know this because for 2.5 years, I have done things I enjoy, like working out, going on a hike, riding my bicycle, going to the book store and coffee shop. Always alone, and definitely without zest or spark. I couldn’t be with others. I never had the mental or emotional energy to spend on the effort it takes to be with others. I realize that I needed that time alone (2.5-years). It was very hard to be alone, and yet it was even harder for me to be with people I didn’t know. Things are changing now. I am changing now...slowly. You speak about having my faculties. Yes, I do, but I don’t have the mind I had 7-years ago. Since the breakdown, I can’t think on my feet. I can’t retain information very well. I forget a lot of things, and my thinking is much slower. I become overwhelmed very fast, although this is improving, as I can now do my own taxes. I couldn’t do that 2.5-years ago. Just to try made my mind shut down. I’ve been very slowly healing from CPTSD, which is a form of PTSD, for people who have gone through prolonged mental and emotional abuse. I’ve had no professional help, no family or friends to help or support me. I’ve had to do it alone, and still deal with ongoing stresses and the death of my ex and brother this summer. I am going at my own pace. In my own way, and things are slowly changing, and that’s okay with me. I can’t be rushed, or make plans for this that and the other, even leaving the house every day can be overwhelming for me, so I need to do this slowly, even if it takes years. I must do what works for me, and what I am doing is working for me, although it might seem very slow to others. |
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Nov 10, 2017 21:16:01 GMT -5
I went out again tonight, for dinner with my eldest child. We haven’t spent quality time together since...well a very long time, due to his long work hours, and me having that mental/emotional block that kept me living like a hermit and isolated.
My family is very small now, since the death of my husband. It’s just me, and my eldest child in the US, and my youngest (who I lose sleep over) across the ocean in Europe. That’s it, but I told my oldest recently that we both need to make an effort for quality family time together, so I suggested we go out once a month. I wouldn’t ask for more than that because of his demanding job, and the hours he works, so we went out tonight, and I had a lovely time.
Since my husband died suddenly, and unexpectedly, and me having that scary episode last week, it’s been a wake-up call that I’m in the last third of my life, and I don’t know how long that will last, so I’m making the effort to be with (or in contact with) my children as much as possible, and make some memories. I’m thinking of traveling to Europe to be with my youngest, but that situation is complicated, so that’s up in the air, but I message him every day, at least, and let him know he is loved, and give him support and encouragement. If circumstances support me visiting him, then I’ll go.
One other thing...I now feel I can go out and help my community a little. I was very active in the community, in another life, but in recent years, it was hard enough just to take care of myself, let alone the community, but now I am going to volunteer to help at a food kitchen for the holidays, and I am interested in doing work with the homeless. I can see how my thoughts and mind are changing and looking outward, and I do believe that little spark is growing brighter, slowly but surely as my mental and emotional energy reserves replenish themselves, after a long hard road of recovery and healing.
|
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 13, 2017 23:17:50 GMT -5
Caris - I am very happy for you that what you are doing is working for you, no matter at what pace. I love hearing that you will volunteer at the food kitchen. There is no better way to spread warmth in a cold season, in my opinion. I dislike all the commercialism so much that I decline to participate in most "holiday" things but there is a banquet on Thanksgiving in my town called "Everybody Eats" and I have volunteered for that a few of the years before my sobriety. Now in my AA group, I usually heat and bring one of the donated turkeys for all of the program fellowship (we gather at my home group but all are invited). I hope the volunteering goes well for you. Kudos for working out a family time schedule with your eldest that meets both your needs. I think this is all excellent progress (and know that what I think of it matters not at all). Love, sister.
|
|
