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Post by Rhapsodee on May 11, 2016 19:02:16 GMT -5
Do you wonder how your sexless marriage is affecting your children? We know that they can sense that something is not right.
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Post by wewbwb on May 11, 2016 22:15:59 GMT -5
It is worse when the partner is simply cold about everything.
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Post by SweepyBear on May 11, 2016 22:28:57 GMT -5
Our 2 are at University and tbh too wrapped up in being students to care
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Post by LITW on May 13, 2016 13:03:22 GMT -5
Do you wonder how your sexless marriage is affecting your children? We know that they can sense that something is not right. My stepdaughter is grossed out about the thought of her mother having sex (and my wife knows it,) so our sexless marriage is A-OK with her But yes, I wonder that. |
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2016 17:43:53 GMT -5
Many children may have no idea about whether their parents are actually having sex. However, cohabitating parents (and non-parents) who don't have sex also fail to show other more basic signs of affection. Children across a tremendous range of ages are likely sensitive enough to glean inter-parental cues of indifference, aversion or even open revulsion, for example. And, depending on circumstances, these children are at risk of identifying with one or the other of the parents and thence adopting corresponding behavioral patterns.
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Post by TMD on May 13, 2016 18:38:40 GMT -5
What @islandtime said.
At Christmas my eldest, 11ish, commented that daddy and mommy are, "one of those couples."
Yeah. We are. And I do concern myself with how my kids will behave when they start dating. I do hug, and we cuddle and kiss. But romantic love is different. Will they understand what is acceptable vs not with their eventual partners?
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2016 18:44:29 GMT -5
What @islandtime said. At Christmas my eldest, 11ish, commented that daddy and mommy are, "one of those couples." Yeah. We are. And I do concern myself with how my kids will behave when they start dating. I do hug, and we cuddle and kiss. But romantic love is different. Will they understand what is acceptable vs not with their eventual partners? raised a great point/implication that I hadn't considered. When talking to kids about their sex lives (whether future or otherwise), how could the rejected parent address obvious anomalies in their own without risking the trashing of the refuser? Tact might be stretched to the limit, and yet children need to know whatever truths about their futures that their parents are able to disclose. |
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Post by TMD on May 13, 2016 18:51:12 GMT -5
Most of us already know that an SM is symptomatic of something else. I found a good checklist of what to look for in a partner. I'll dig it out over the weekend and post it here.
I feel strongly if they can address the items on the checklist, they will likey avoid the worst case scenario of a crap relationship.
The other thing is that I'm not too conventional, and I'm not likely to push them to get married and have the big wedding.
Time will tell.
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Post by bballgirl on May 13, 2016 18:59:50 GMT -5
Most of us already know that an SM is symptomatic of something else. I found a good checklist of what to look for in a partner. I'll dig it out over the weekend and post it here. I feel strongly if they can address the items on the checklist, they will likey avoid the worst case scenario of a crap relationship. The other thing is that I'm not too conventional, and I'm not likely to push them to get married and have the big wedding. Time will tell. I'm very interested to see that checklist. |
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2016 19:32:03 GMT -5
Most of us already know that an SM is symptomatic of something else. I found a good checklist of what to look for in a partner. I'll dig it out over the weekend and post it here. I feel strongly if they can address the items on the checklist, they will likey avoid the worst case scenario of a crap relationship. The other thing is that I'm not too conventional, and I'm not likely to push them to get married and have the big wedding. Time will tell. I'm very interested to see that checklist. There's probably a picture of me under the list of things to avoid  |
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Post by itsjustus on May 13, 2016 23:59:29 GMT -5
I feel that children are highly affected, in a negative way, in a SM. Children, by their very nature, are close observers of human interactions. From the moment they are born, they look to those around them, especially their parents, on how to interact with the world. And it's not just their own interaction. They observe the interactions between others, and learn "acceptable" behaviour.
I would say that most couples in a SM, with a few exceptions, are more in an affection-less and intimacy free marriage. Their interactions with each other are certainly not loving and full of the love, respect, silliness, and cherished interplay between and husband and wife. And the children see that as normal.
Do they know what goes on, or doesn't go on, in the bedroom. I doubt it. But that's only a part of the wonderful experience of being in a happy, romantic marriage. Certainly the deepest, most intimate part, but even that starts with affection and loving intimacy in front of the children. A part of what you hope,your own children will have someday. All of it.
But they will only know what they see.
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Post by baza on May 14, 2016 1:42:42 GMT -5
In endorsing what itsjustus wrote (above) I would make the following observation, gleaned from the old EP group.
In many members stories - where their story is fleshed out, and include information about what their parents were like - it is from unusual to see that the current member, writing about their dysfunctional marriage, had a parent with issues of some dysfunctional sort or another.
In other words, the present member who is in a dysfunctional marriage now, was exposed to a dysfunctional environment when they were kids.
Make of that what you will, but my spin on it, is that exposure to a dysfunctional environment when you were a kid could well have a big influence on the type of person you choose as a life partner as an adult.
Thus, it can become generational.
You parents dysfunctional example, which manifested itself in your selection of life partner which also turned out to be dysfunctional situation, and now your kids observing your relationship and taking their cues from it.
There is a fair whack of evidence to this effect in the ACOA (Adult Children Of Alcoholics) organisation, but the underlying principle seems applicable to types of dysfunction other than jut alcohol abuse.
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2016 2:04:12 GMT -5
My wife and I are like any married couple outside the bedroom. My kids have no idea what does or doesn't go on behind closed doors
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Post by itsjustus on May 14, 2016 12:17:44 GMT -5
My wife and I are like any married couple outside the bedroom. My kids have no idea what does or doesn't go on behind closed doors @jasonl. I agree completely. Most kids don't, and shouldn't! But, are you and your wife lovingly affectionate in front of your children? I don't mean the peck kiss here or there. The kind of affection that while certainly ok in front of them, a loving couple gets "caught" at, that is meant to be just between them. Like you sneaking up behind your wife while she's occupied and putting your arms around her, giving a little fun kiss on her neck? It's not you doing that that that's important, it's your wife's reaction. They are watching like a hawk. Dad did something, how did mom like it? Her small smile and scrunching of her neck is vastly different from a curt "stop it" and scrunching of her neck, to a child. Or any number of those little things that are day to day, moment by moment signs of a close relationship. Those little finger touches across your shoulder as your wife walks by. The small glances of affection one to another, or even just one way. All of these are watched and soaked up. My 4 girls are all grown, from 29 to 40 years old. All of them have made a point of talking about the lack of affection that my ex showed me...but more about *her* reactions. The "stop it". The pulled away shoulder from my touch. The way she'd say "what?" if she caught me looking at her..... They saw it all, and it's affected their relationships. There were other issues in my marriage as well, but now, looking back, and listening to my children, my girls..... i should have taken them and left a long time before. For myself. For them. |
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2016 17:00:42 GMT -5
Yes to all that plus we work together running a successful business based in our home since we married so we are together almost 24/7 ever since the kids can remember.
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