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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2016 18:19:33 GMT -5
The questions often arise, why did we or why do we linger so long with refusers? After all, we are deprived of something we value greatly and expected to receive plentifully upon making our original commitments. Further, as many have testified here, frank satellite abuses are commonly part of the package. In my own circumstance, verbal barrages coupled with calculated passive aggression were key ingredients.
Simply stated, in many cases, I'm sure that they aren't happy either. When I first suggested divorce, she was enthusiastic and spilled her guts about how grotesque her experience with me had been (enough said). Yet, after a few months of separation in anticipation of divorce, she was still unhappy and pressured me for reconciliation. The story gets more bizarre and vile after that, but the fundamental questions emerge:
Why do they stay with us, and might they sometimes suffer more?
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Post by angryspartan on May 11, 2016 18:34:07 GMT -5
Think it depends on their reasoning for refusing sex and how the refused treats them as a result.
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Post by bballgirl on May 11, 2016 18:37:14 GMT -5
My ex did not suffer more. He had his cake and ate it too for many years. It wasn't until the end maybe the last 3 or 4 years of our marriage out of 23 years that he experienced "things not going his way".
For so many years he used me and got what he wanted out of the marriage: a caretaker, cook, maid, etc. I did everything- paid the bills, managed the household, when something happened to his car he called me! Uggh exhausting. We are divorced and he still calls me! I'm nice and I listen.
At the end when I found EP and realized the shithole marriage I was in and I started to detach which he didn't like however all that I did still outweighed the disconnect that he didn't like but he would have never left even though he was not so happy. He was happy enough. That worked for him.
Why did I stay so long? We were married ten years before we had kids. Sex was once a month back then. The bare minimum I believed his excuses and I loved him.
After kids sex dropped off the cliff but where was I going with 2 babies and my job I didn't have a raise for 7 years.
I believe their is an optimal window of opportunity and looking back I stand by when I exited it was best for everyone. The key is if you want your life to change then you have to change it.
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Post by unmatched on May 11, 2016 18:44:17 GMT -5
If you walk around your whole life with your eyes closed, your fingers in your ears and your tongue cut out are you suffering? I would think so. But some people might find it a comfortable little bubble where they can pretend that the rest of the world doesn't exist. From my point of view that is tragic, but from within the bubble maybe it doesn't look that way.
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Post by misssunnybunny on May 11, 2016 19:18:24 GMT -5
My story is similar to bballgirl. My ex was content in the marriage. When I had brought up divorce he even said that he was happy and assumed that since he was, so was I. This was after me trying to talk with him about the state of our relationship, and that I wasn't happy not having sex. He had everything he needed: cook, housekeeper, personal planner, errand-runner. He would make regular, little digs at me that undermined my self-esteem, was micromanaging and hypercritical. It took me a while to let go of the tense and worry about everything needing to be perfect.
Why did I stay? I wanted things to be like when we first met. I wanted us to be able to work things out and be able to grow and change, be there for each other. At the end, the thing that hurt the most was the loss of hope: hope for a life where we grew old together. That wasn't going to happen, he wanted me to change to fit his definition of marriage. In counseling we had to set up dates for each other; he got upset when he discovered he had to do the work to arrange his, not just tell me what we were doing and have me make the plans, as I always did. At least I know I did everything I could to try and make things work, but after finding EP and going through couples counseling twice, I also know it wasn't going to be fixed. We still talk, as we have mutual friends, but it is not often at all. I am in a happier, healthier place now that I'm on my own. My life's not perfect, but so much better.
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2016 21:10:00 GMT -5
I often have wondered if my STBX was unhappy. I would think that he couldn't possibly be happy in a relationship so devoid of affection and intimacy. But he didn't need those things or even want them. He had the life he wanted - a wife who did everything except his actual work (I did finally get him to take the trash to the curb on trash day after 16 years), two bright kids, a nice house in the neighborhood where he grew up (Red Flag #2733 - wanting to move back to his mommy's neighborhood). I honestly think he would have been perfectly happy for us to continue our marriage as long as I did all those things he expected.
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 0:40:58 GMT -5
Depends what is causing them to refuse. If it is a loss of attraction then yes they have normal sex drives so they are suffering too without sex.
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 4:00:38 GMT -5
Why do they stay with us, and might they sometimes suffer more? Based on my experience, they stay because they are happy in their own way or they compromise (perhaps they are not completely happy, but they are "stuck" with us, they need our support, what we provide, what we bring in their lives). The fact that we stay, sacrificing our own happiness for the greater (our partners') good makes us foolish... Staying, thus sacrificing both our happiness and that of our partner (especially if we know that they suffer more) makes us a little... sadistic?!Or, at a minimum, insensitive or indifferent...yet, if we stay, there's no chance that they will develop. |
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Post by tamara68 on May 12, 2016 5:10:33 GMT -5
I think many people prefer what they know over the unknown. That applies both to many refusers as to many refused in my opinion.
And it takes a lot of energy to change your situation and start something new. Especially when you feel depressed, that can be to daunting to do anything. Applies to both refusers and refused as well.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 12, 2016 6:34:46 GMT -5
If you walk around your whole life with your eyes closed, your fingers in your ears and your tongue cut out are you suffering? I would think so. But some people might find it a comfortable little bubble where they can pretend that the rest of the world doesn't exist. From my point of view that is tragic, but from within the bubble maybe it doesn't look that way. Not to go off on a tangent here,... But, the person in the bubble is a controller too. They are controlling their environment, by not accepting anything new, others opinions, others point of view, everything has to be their way. Little compromise. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 12, 2016 6:43:10 GMT -5
I often have wondered if my STBX was unhappy. I would think that he couldn't possibly be happy in a relationship so devoid of affection and intimacy. But he didn't need those things or even want them. He had the life he wanted - a wife who did everything except his actual work (I did finally get him to take the trash to the curb on trash day after 16 years), two bright kids, a nice house in the neighborhood where he grew up (Red Flag #2733 - wanting to move back to his mommy's neighborhood). I honestly think he would have been perfectly happy for us to continue our marriage as long as I did all those things he expected. The book Boundaries in Marriage has a good chapter about families. It's titled Three's a crowd. Protecting your marriage from intruders. like right this moment, my wife is in the kitchen checking her 83 yr old dad's heart rate, while eating breakfast. I eat in the bedroom every morning and am on my I pad. i learned very quickly from sitting at the table with my wife and her father, that my wife brings her ipad to the table reads it ,half ignores her father, and half talks to him, while I don't exist. That is why I call him the intruder.(9 yrs now) |
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 18:11:45 GMT -5
Mine probably still thinks he had it much worse. He had the health problems. He was the poor sick guy. All I had to do was agree to be celibate the rest of my life. /snark
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Post by misssunnybunny on May 12, 2016 18:14:55 GMT -5
Mine probably still thinks he had it much worse. He had the health problems. He was the poor sick guy. All I had to do was agree to be celibate the rest of my life. /snark I think mine was the carbon copy of yours....Like x100!  |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 12, 2016 18:16:28 GMT -5
Kind of makes you...sick, just thinking about it! |
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Post by smilin61 on May 12, 2016 18:23:24 GMT -5
My husband is on the Autism spectrum, so the fact that he no longer has to suffer through physical touch is a relief for him. If I moved back into the bedroom and pretended ours was a normal marriage, he would be happy to continue indefinitely. My refusal to do that, or to ignore his behaviors - makes him miserable. But- he says he can't imagine a life without me in it and is too lonely when I'm gone. He should have bought a dog instead.
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