FWB - FWD - FWE

One thing that made me think about AA was how they encourage you to be open about your problem, with others who share the same problems. To drop the fake mask, the fear, obligation, and guilt, and feel comfortable asking for help. To be a receiver. I see such a situation carrying over when dealing with a SM problem and a divorce.

AA doesn't really speak to one's love life.  The only requirement is an earnest desire to stop drinking alcohol.  As far as sponsors go:

A.A. experience does suggest that it is best for
men to sponsor men, women to sponsor women.
This custom usually helps our members stay
focused on the A.A. program. Some gay men and
lesbians feel an opposite-sex sponsor is more
appropriate for similar reasons.

I would tend to agree with this wisdom because it is hard enough to stay sober without being turned on by your sponsor.  Mine has a scraggly beard and I'm very seldom attracted to men with scraggly beards (whew!).

However.....

AA is all about getting your shit together.  If you are wise and getting out an SM, you will get your shit together too - even better to get your shit together before you get out.  Since I'm recently out of an SM and a relative newcomer to AA, I see these as two complementary processes.  My sponsor and I were talking last week and completely agree that everyone should go through this program whether they have a drinking problem or not.  I see many parallels between going through AA and getting through a SM:

In case you don't know the twelve steps:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.  <<<<< This is where I am at right now ***
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.  <<<<< I'm a bit of a narcissist (spoiler alert) and giving over control is causing me fits...but I'm trying.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Here is how I see this forum similar to AA:

1. I think it's pretty apparent that most people here are powerless in their marriages. 
2. I think that for many of us here, this forum (a power greater than ourselves) can restore us to sanity.
3, I'm not sure that you would want to turn over your will and lives over to this group
4. If you are smart, you do a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.  This isn't just about your marriage, just like it isn't just about drinking.
5. "Coming clean" on what unhealthy behaviors we have done to cope with the situation may have exasperated it.
6. This isn't a 12 step program with a spiritual component, but if you believe, it can't hurt.
7. Ditto.
8. This takes 4 and puts a name to a face.  Easier to say "I was a dick at times" than "I was a dick to (fill in the name) at these specific times in these specific ways)"
9. Sometimes you can make ammends, sometimes you can't.  BOC and I differ on how we view this step as it pertains to my ex-wife.  She can't imagine ever making amends to her ex who put her through a 25 year hell.  The idea of making amends to my ex fills me with dread and I rebel against it.  But I do feel bad about how I handled alcohol during our relationship.  I never beat anyone, but I did get us thrown out of places.  I did get so drunk on Mother's Day I had to stay home throwing up while she tap-danced around both our moms.  So those things I think I can apologize for.  Granted, she is the reason I'm an alcoholic in the first place, but this step is about amends, not blame.  Thank God, I'm a long way from this step.
10. Keep making the effort towards getting your shit together.  This is especially important once you're out of the marriage.
11. I see this as keeping yourself humble, kind, and caring.  I fail on all three pretty regularly, but I still try to improve through meditation.
12. This is the reason I think many of us stick around this site after we are out of our marriages.  The principle of helping others going through trouble helps me just as much as it helps others.  This dovetails into AA nicely.  From previous posts, I believe this is why folks like baza are still here.

GeekGoddess I'd be fascinated to hear you pipe in on this.

Well, they have an entire chapter "For the Agnostic".

And to clarify, it isn't religious.  It is spiritual.  I know it sounds like the same thing, but when they say "higher power" what they refer to is a power outside yourself. 

In step one we admit we are powerless against alcohol.  I sure as hell am.  Give me a drink then it's two then it's three then it's off to the races.  Quite often, literally off to the races, behind the wheel of my car.  Sometimes with the full family in with me.  The higher power can be anything.  It can be God for those of faith.  For athiests, agnostics, and even Buddhists like me who don't believe in a loving god?  Who will take my cravings from me?  Well, believing in the power of your AA program itself can be a higher power.  Many people use that, or something like that to satisfy the need for a higher power without having to resort to the supernatural.

For example, ballofconfusion has been amazing on helping me stay sober.  She is a bigger cheerleader than any other friends or family I have.  Every one month anniversary, I wake up to how proud she is of me and how far I've come.  She is amazing.  But she couldn't be a higher power.  What if we had a fight?  You can't lay your foundation on something that can have ups and downs.

For the first 6 months I was sober, before I found an AA group (BOC actually helped me find it after I concluded Houston didn't have one I'd like , my higher power happened to be my kids and the fear I had of them being taken from me in the divorce.  It is only now that I'm out of the divorce and this threat is no longer real that I have to find something more permanent.  This program is helping me deal with my SM, but also on my daily meditation.  I'm hoping it makes me a bit less of an asshole, and become a better person in the process.

But there are probably millions of AA members who are atheists.  That is why it is a spiritual program and not a religious one.