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Post by northstarmom on Oct 26, 2017 7:15:05 GMT -5
Today’s Dear Amy:
“Dear Amy: I am a teenage girl stuck in a dysfunctional household.
My parents can’t stand the sight of each other. They complain about the other one to me and my younger brother.
All of this has taken a mental and emotional toll on us.
I have developed pretty strong anger issues and have broken many doors and light switches, becoming enraged when my parents scream at each other. My brother has panic attacks due to this, and I am often the one consoling him during their heated arguments.
I can’t sit them down and ask if they can divorce; my dad barely makes enough money to cover our tuition, and I can’t hurt them like that.
I leave for college in two years, but the thought of leaving my brother behind brings me to tears.
I really need some sort of guidance and advice.”
Amy’s advice was for the kids to stay out of the house as much as possible, to write their parents and explain how the fights are causing pain to the kids, and to inform other caring adults including relatives who might take in the brother after the sister leaves for college.
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Post by McRoomMate on Oct 26, 2017 17:39:56 GMT -5
Wow. What a heavy dose of reality. Children are much more aware and smarter than we (well certainly I) often give credit.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 26, 2017 19:04:34 GMT -5
I have seen families, and currently know families that are dysfunctional. The kids know, and it is not pretty. They don't always know when the relationship is broken but the parents keep pretending.
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Post by baza on Oct 26, 2017 21:29:19 GMT -5
I think the ever present danger in an ILIASM shithole is what you are modelling for your kids having a huge negative effect on their selection of life partner when it is their turn.
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Post by james on Oct 27, 2017 3:27:39 GMT -5
Anyone actually asked their kids what they think of the relationship (between h and w). My feeling is it's not really fair to burden them with that sort of adult stuff. But maybe the time comes when that conversation should happen.
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Post by M2G on Oct 27, 2017 4:20:13 GMT -5
Anyone actually asked their kids what they think of the relationship (between h and w). My feeling is it's not really fair to burden them with that sort of adult stuff. But maybe the time comes when that conversation should happen. Yes I would agree with that - it's not healthy for the child, to be asked to "parent the parent." In fact, in the course of my self improvement work, I've read from several sources that role reversals like that tend to be a sign of emotional abuse. It puts onto the child a burden that just does not belong. "Parentification—a term used by therapists such as Salvador Minuchin, Murray Bowen, and Virginia Satir—is a form of role reversal in which a child of a personality-disordered parent is inappropriately given the role of meeting the emotional or physical needs of the parent or of the other children."
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Post by iceman on Oct 27, 2017 8:09:51 GMT -5
This isn't precisely what I worry about with my kids. I think my wife and I do a pretty good job of shielding the kids from our problems. We have very few actual fights, especially in front of them. But it's obvious, at least it is to me, that our behavior towards each other with the coldness, lack of affection, and largely leading separate lives shows what's going on between us. Kids are much more perceptive than we often think. I worry they are picking up on it which, though unspoken, is causing them stress and we are showing them an example of marriage that I would never wish for anybody that
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