A letter to my refuser

aguywithneeds
Think of the good giving as, when you go away on a business trip and you find the one thing that speaks to who they are as a person. The one gift that shows that you understand them as a person or that you were listening and remembered the conversation 6m ago when they said oh I like X.

If my partner were to get me a gift, I would say thinks, but I would rather have a cuddle or a running leaping into my arms hug as they see me in the airport.

I suspect a vast majority of the people here are touch people because sex, touch and intimacy speak to our core needs for feeling loved.

I'm with you I understand the concept,but I think it's kinda hokey. I may come off alittle insensitive but nature says we need to reproduce, breathe, drink, eat and reproduce, I understand that this is obviously not the case and over the course of thousands of years we've managed to overly complicate this whole process to the point of perfectly healthy people going against natural instincts. I think that these languages are a bit to vague and a sticker was thrown on them to hastily. This of course is just my opinion, and is based off my personal experience. But I'm all about what works so if it works for some awesome. I feel this material is really good for new couples to help communicate and express themselves to see if they are compatible, but for more established couples this would serve as a point of bickering. I convey all 5 languages to my wife in great quantity everyday, but here I am posting a comment on this forum.

This discussion has gotten off topic from the original post, however I value everyone's posts. perhaps it needs a new thread? I know love languages, especially acts of service, has been discussed before on here.

1) One thought I had is how much touch I receive from my dog. It may sound weird but I learn a lot from watching how the family reacts to it. Since touch was my no.1 on love languages guess who is the dogs favorite person? (plus I am home with him the most) one of the least favorite for the dog is my W. Why? She pushes him away, never picks him up, isn't around him, doesn't feed him,bathe him etc...Instead she gives him words of affirmation and praise, tells him " he's a really good boy" also gives him gifts, she makes sure he gets his morning food treat everyday, it takes about 10 seconds and she's done. that's it. Meanwhile getting greeted by the dog every time you walk in and out of the house takes more effort to rub him pick him up, and he then chases you, jumps all over you, licks your face like crazy, want's his belly rubbed. That's how we roll!
Now, if a dog is smart enough to know what people want and how to treat them? Shouldn't adult humans be just as capable?  Others in the family don't give the dog much attention. Guess what the dog does? same in return. One of my boys kept scaring the dog when we first got him. Guess how the dog treats him? the dog growls barks and avoids him.

2) Think of the other 4 love languages (besides touch) they are random acts of politeness that we do for each other every day without expecting much in return. For example writing a check for charity. You just did gift giving, quality time, words of affirmation, and acts of service (devotion). Where's the physical touch in that?

3) My son just locked his key in his car and called me. I went to his rescue. The first thing I did was put my arm around his shoulder.(physical touch) second was words of affirmation, "it's okay, everybody does it, it's going to happen again", third was my quality time,and my act of service. Last was my offer to have another key made for him for his wallet, (gift giving). In many ways that describes what I want from someone else, what was most important to me? what did I do first? Physical touch!
But the odd part -for lack of a better word- is that I can't and don't just touch anyone or anybody.

4) Finding someone else who shares your same love language. Instead of having to recognize it and forcing yourself to meet their needs. Why not be with someone who understands and gives /receives like you do!!

5) lastly, My W. in her frustration has said to the family, "why don't you ever do things for me?" The family turns around and says," why should we? what do you do for us?" I mean literally! these words have been spoken! It just proves that my spouse is a taker, who does little giving. A seed that landed on rocky soil.

The last class of my Divorce recovery classes is all about the 5 love languages. I'm looking forward to that one, and hope to get the most out of it.

I would love to learn more about "words of affirmation". My concern is small talk can easily be con-strewed for "words of affirmation". Have you ever seen Star Trek and the episode where Data learns how to do "small talk?".




Before finding EP and ILIASM I spent time on PIL (paintings I love) I learned to compliment others, about their  paintings. Everything from topic, colors, proportions, form , composition, perspective, etc.... almost like a used car sales man. It's amazing how much you can say, and at the same time say absolutely nothing. Not so easy when it comes to true sex, intimacy, desiring someone and being desired,  communication ,trust, and a relationship.

I am thinking that's where physical touch shows that , actions speak louder than words. Many of us know what it's like to live with a manipulative controller and what a master they are at reversing words. Their words rarely agree with their actions. (one way streets paved with double standards).

I think that letter is well written as exercise for yourself and I like others considered plagiarizing it.

I wrote a letter as an outline for a conversation and to send in case the conversation didn't go as planned. Like most here have said it didn't work out all that well. It came across as a rant.

If you give her the letter and she turns things around and is more affectionate and does everything you want, would you be happy? For me five years ago, maybe. Even a year ago I would have accepted that turn around. But today, no, I'm just not convinced it is in her heart. I can't get past wondering if it is real or not. Besides from what I can tell these turn arounds are rare to never.

I had trouble taking that quiz, because I started answering it with MY spouse in mind not an ideal spouse. Would I rather spend time with my partner or receive a gift. My wife? Receive a gift. My ideal partner? Spend time. I really had to think about the question and sort out who I had in mind as I answered.