A letter to my refuser

I'm writing this so I can make sure I don't forget anything but I probably still will. It's very hard to do but it needs to be done, for both our sakes and those of our daughters.
Yes, I agree our marriage is at risk - it's been an elephant in the room for quite some time, whether or not you realise it. I don't count myself entirely blameless. However, my actions and behaviour towards you have been, in many ways, formed and informed by how you have behaved towards me over the years.
There are many positive aspects to our marriage, not least of which are our daughters. They are hard work at times - for both of us - but also an undeniable joy and source of parental pride.
I think we generally make a good team in how we take care of our family and we are similarly responsible and unselfish adults.
We do have different interests (and some we share) but I think we tend to respect each other's preferences and support each other in what we choose to do.
We obviously have our personal difficulties and demons and, again, we mostly tend to be supportive of each other when necessary, which is obviously a good thing.
I know you like to care for me in terms of looking out for my welfare, making sure I eat properly, take a rest from time to time - that kind of thing. Believe it or not, I do actually appreciate it, even if I don't show it.
In return, I work as hard as I can to provide for you and our girls. You know I detest my job most of the time but I make sure I fulfill my duty to my family. I am also continually overwhelmed by the number of jobs which need doing around the house and farm but I do what I can to chip away at them, often to the detriment of my personal happiness. I have a tendency to put that second to the happiness of you and the girls. Again, you may not fully realise it.
Contrary to popular belief, DIY and farm work are not what I consider hobbies or fun but essential to keep this place ticking over and maintain us on a reasonably even financial keel. Responsibility weighs heavily on me.
While I have been at home these past few months, I have tried hard to alter my attitude towards where and how we live. It has meant putting a lot of my own feelings and preferences aside. However, they have not entirely gone away - and probably never will. It's just something I have to live with.
Some time ago, during an argument, we got on to the subject of our relationship and what was wrong with it. I seem to remember your main complaint was my offhandedness and coldness towards you. My counterpoint to that was your almost total lack of affection and intimacy towards me and our sporadic and unsatisfactory sex life. From how I recall it, we came to some kind of tentative compromise, which was barely satisfactory from my side and decidedly reluctant from yours.
Those two things are still my chief bugbear with our relationship - and the aspects of our life which most undermine how I feel about you and act towards you. It's a self-preservation thing as much as anything.
I don't think hugging and kissing and touching and cuddling are unreasonable demands in a marriage. In fact, to me they are vital in maintaining its health. They should be as natural as breathing - automatic and spontaneous. A fulfilling sex life naturally leads on from such affectionate behaviour.
They also help set an example to our children as to how a healthy, loving relationship looks. I fear we are failing them in that respect.
Physical affection and intimacy are non-negotiable as far as I'm concerned. I've tried being patient and understanding but it seems you are perfectly content to let things slide in this respect, when it is, to me, the most important part of being a couple - and the foundation upon which a strong relationship is built.
Feeding me is not enough. Cleaning the house and doing the laundry is not enough. Supporting me verbally through difficult times is not enough. Sharing the care of our daughters is not enough.
While I appreciate and acknowledge them, as being part of our life together, they are not enough.
I have emotional and physical needs which you dismiss and neglect. It's all very well for you when you occasionally need sexual release. You know you can rely on me to provide - no matter how tired or stressed I might be - out of sheer desperation. Unfortunately, I seem to have gone beyond the point of caring. Once every couple or three months is nowhere even approaching a satisfactory sex life for me. So I seem to have more or less given up. It is unfair to just expect me to "take care of myself". One hardly needs to be in a relationship to do that.
Believe me, I sympathise with the difficulties you have coming to terms with your dysfunctional childhood and, more pertinently, adolescence, but I still feel I am entitled to a loving relationship (isn't everyone?) and for far too long I have buried the fact that, sadly, it is hard to describe ours as such.
I confess, recently I have deliberately refrained from touching you, just to see if it made any difference. If you might take the initiative and actually approach me with a hug or kiss or hold my hand. But no. Nothing. How sad is that?
And you then expect me to be able to be happy and cheerful and supportive and so on? When I see my life drifting away in a haze of dissatisfaction and resentment? Self-sacrifice can only stretch so far. Everyone, me included, deserves a happy life.
I make an effort to keep myself fit and healthy and clean and presentable when necessary. Isn't that good enough for you? It seems not. So what is it you want? To just be provided for but left alone? Thats how it seems but I really don't know.
If you don't love me, then have the honesty and decency to tell me. Don't just keep me hanging on, feeding off scraps, just to keep this family together. It's not fair.
It would break my heart for our family to fall apart - but surely things can't carry on like this forever.
It would be enormously detrimental to our girls, at this stage of their lives, for us to separate and I will do all I can to prevent that happening but I can only do so much on my own.
So where do we go from here?
It's no good you deciding to lie back and think of England a bit more frequently, in the supposition that I would be satisfied with that. Starfish sex is no fun for me. It's not just about copulation. If you don't mean it, it's meaningless. Not worth it. Not enough.
I'm sorry I have felt it necessary to say all this. It's not meant maliciously. Quite the opposite.

B x

Fellow SM sufferers: Am I being unreasonable? What do you think? All advice welcome. Thanks. I haven't given her this yet, by the way. Going to sleep on it