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Post by workingonit on Oct 20, 2017 8:37:54 GMT -5
Something this group has helped me pay attention to is the way the pattern of refusing exists in other aspects of our marriage that I have just adjusted to. Now that I am really seeing these things I am starting to let go of the why. Example: my H says he desires me but he has lots of hang ups about sex. But in other news do you know in 17 years he will not come to my family gatherings at all? I have family I see at least yearly that he has never met. He says it would make him uncomfortable. That is the thing right? He will not work on his issues for closer intimacy with me. Too uncomfortable for him. I have thought until the past few months that if I could just love him enough he would feel safe enough to change- because he says he wants to. But the bottom line may just be that this is who he is and can ever be with me. Take it or leave it. Refusers can be such a killjoy in so many other aspects of our attempts to have joy in our life. All we ask is to "please be a part of my life by sharing joyful things with me, and you get joy from it too". An equal giving and receiving. It sure shows the ripple affect, how it impacts so many other parts of our lives. No intimacy = no communication. No communication = no trust. No trust = divorce. Yes. This formula sucks. But so true. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 20, 2017 9:46:53 GMT -5
Jemn said: "Something this group has helped me pay attention to is the way the pattern of refusing exists in other aspects of our marriage that I have just adjusted to. Now that I am really seeing these things I am starting to let go of the why."
Example: my H says he desires me but he has lots of hang ups about sex. But in other news do you know in 17 years he will not come to my family gatherings at all? I have family I see at least yearly that he has never met. He says it would make him uncomfortable. That is the thing right? He will not work on his issues for closer intimacy with me. Too uncomfortable for him.
I have thought until the past few months that if I could just love him enough he would feel safe enough to change- because he says he wants to. But the bottom line may just be that this is who he is and can ever be with me. Take it or leave it."
A productive way of addressing your situation would be why you selected and have chosen to hang onto a man so obviously intimacy averse in many situations. It also would be useful to figure out why you erroneously feel that you have the power to change him if only you love him enough.
No one has the power to change anyone but themselves. He is who he is and he will be that way whether or not you love him. In what way do you benefit by being with a man incapable of the kind of intimacy that you believe you want?
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Oct 24, 2017 0:07:52 GMT -5
There could be many reasons for rejection. At the end of the day they all amount to the same thing. You ain't getting laid.
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