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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 19, 2017 9:41:56 GMT -5
So I touched on this in an earlier thread, and I wanted to post a thread dedicated to the topic. Loss of Interest, I myself like many others didn't start off not having sex, as a matter of fact it started off with copious amounts of sex, trying new things and exploring each other's sexuality and boundaries. For those of you that are in a SM due to cultural or religious reasons this may not apply to you, this is more of a post for those that had it and now it's gone. So I've researched this quite a bit. I watched seminars and quite frankly there's no solution. At some point due to being comfortable or just not caring, one spouse just stops having the drive. 2-4 years of marriage or between kids is when it starts. From what I gather it has something to do with reproduction. Stress and illness are excuses justifying their lack of interest. Sex is a stress reliever, also sex actually cures headaches and migraines, if you don't believe me Google it. So why are there so many SM with the two main reasons for not having sex actually being benefited from engaging in sex. Because you're not a viable mate, sex is a act of reproduction, after having sex with no results, the body naturally turns off it's desire towards the spouse. Now obviously there are lots of exceptions to this, because lots of people enjoy sex, but how many married couples have sex once a week or every other week do so only out of duty to the spouse, they're not in this situation with us but is their sex on fire with passion, or is it mundane 10 min of checking the block. There's probably a dozen books out there on resetting the marriages sex drive because of this. It also brings in to question is monogamy right, some couples engage in open relationship which supposedly increases desire for their spouse. So how do you get the refuser be open to working on this, it's sad really, I ve read dozens of articles and posts, from people in this situation that don't realize it until the spouse leaves the refuser, because they didn't think it was a big deal. So are marriages predestined to become at some level sexless without intervention and counseling, due to nature. Idk tell me your take on it.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 19, 2017 10:01:02 GMT -5
You can't get the refuser to change. You can chose to change by outsourcing or divorcing. Or you can remain celibate.
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Post by rejected101 on Oct 19, 2017 10:04:11 GMT -5
Her body shuts down to the idea of sex because it doesn’t see the reproductive results? I’ve never heard that before but there is a degree of sense to that.
However, my body shut down to the idea of romancing my wife because my body didn’t see any positive result from it. So I fought my way through it and made sure that I still make her feel like she is the most special person I’ve ever clapped eyes on. I do so because I know, that’s something really important to her! This is the way life works sometimes!
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 19, 2017 10:13:09 GMT -5
Only 20% of marriages are sexless. Most marriages have sex. It's not to say that they are swinging from the chandeliers but in some way they are bonding. I think it just boils down to basic incompatibility.
My view on sex was never about reproduction. When I married I did not want kids, I couldn't even keep a plant alive. Sex was about pleasure and connection for me. I think the compatibility lies with the pov of sex.
I mean back in the day I had no idea that people were asexual, I thought it was just cells that we learned in biology.
I really don't know the answer just my 2 cents.
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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 19, 2017 10:27:42 GMT -5
www.menshealth.com/sex-women/male-libido-crisis it's not about reproduction now, because it's the 21 century and we live comfortably. it's about our genetic traits that carry on from when we were cave men, that are still relevant today and sometimes are awesome but in this case sucks.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2017 13:52:33 GMT -5
I disagree. I actively, purposely avoided pregnancy for years. And I never lost my attraction for Mr. Kat.
Of course, that begs the question - did he lose his feelings for me due to us not being successful at reproduction? I say no, for these reasons:
1 - If he really wanted kids, he could have had them before he met me, with his first wife.
2 - We were agreed on the idea of using birth control so we would not have kids.
3 - He attributes the loss of his libido to health problems (and I agree.)
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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 19, 2017 17:09:50 GMT -5
I totally understand that, my point is that two people can say they don't want kids, but the human psyche is still very primitive, and still works on traits we developed thousands of years ago, so even though you say you don't want kids instinctual after a period of time you loose attraction to your mate. But in your case obviously there were health concerns. I don't know how much of this I believe I'm just looking for feedback, I frequent another forum that uses this Theory and pushes material to combat the 2 year cutoff, later when I have more time I'll post some of the material.its pretty interesting Im just skeptical and looking for others opinions.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 19, 2017 18:36:55 GMT -5
I don't think we can put everyone in the same box, as far as waning desire for our spouses. A quarter century after meeting my wife, my sexual desire for her, despite the rejection, did not cool off. It was a logical choice to stop pursuing her.
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Post by baza on Oct 19, 2017 20:45:02 GMT -5
Your fundamental question Brother aguywithneeds - quoting you here - is - "So how do you get the refuser be open to working on this ?" The short answer is that *you* don't. Your spouses attitude toward fucking you is a matter over which you have no control whatsoever. Presupposing that you present yourself as a reasonable person, and available, that (in a functional marriage) is essentially all you can do... and indeed is all you need to do. If your missus is still sexually attracted to you, then you'll be rooting (and you won't be in this group) If your missus is sexually indifferent toward you, then you might be getting the odd starfish root. If your missus is sexually averse to you, then there'll be no sex at all. If your missus is sexually indifferent toward you, the chances of *you* being able to change her attitude hover at around zero. If your missus is sexually averse to you, the chances of *you* being able to change her attitude are at absolute zero. There is only one person in this dynamic who's attitude/behavior you can change. Yours. As far as your missus' attitude goes, you can like it, or you can lump it. The one thing you cannot do is change it. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 19, 2017 22:14:58 GMT -5
I understand I’m a product of evolution. I’m also the youngest of 11 children. Growing up that way made me not want to reproduce.
Not like: oh I’d like a baby if it happened. I mean absolutely no desire for a thing growing inside me. Ever. Period.
I happened to marry into 3 stepkids. Lucky stroke, I have kids & grandkids without ever having to actually reproduce me.
Good thing, too, because I would have smothered or drowned them. I am not maternal. I do not apologize for it.
I want sex. I haven’t not wanted - maybe ever. Anyway, only a few times did I turn it down from my Ex or from others.
I’m not buying the idea that drive ends after reproducing. If it did, Mom probably would have stopped after 5. Or 7. Or 9.
I just think people are all different. And I had to leave my marriage to find someone different.
My Ex - a lot was his health issues. But upon examination of our shared past, we had always had issues. That’s part of why I agree with the “basic incompatibility” theory.
Bottom line for me - trying to understand why is a diversionary tactic I used to distract myself from acting. Because I was scared to act.
When I got over my fears & chose my route out, the why fell away completely. It wasn’t from understanding it. It was from realizing that I couldn’t change him. Once I accepted that “he is what he is” then I could move on to the harder question of “what am I going to do with MY life”
Good quandary for hypotheticals but... I’m glad I took the actions that got me out.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2017 22:48:58 GMT -5
Exactly, GeekGoddess. I’ve said this before, I’ll say it again: I was a lot better off after I no longer cared “why.” |
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Post by M2G on Oct 19, 2017 23:23:05 GMT -5
Yeah, just getting there myself. I don't think I want to know.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 20, 2017 7:33:05 GMT -5
Something this group has helped me pay attention to is the way the pattern of refusing exists in other aspects of our marriage that I have just adjusted to. Now that I am really seeing these things I am starting to let go of the why.
Example: my H says he desires me but he has lots of hang ups about sex. But in other news do you know in 17 years he will not come to my family gatherings at all? I have family I see at least yearly that he has never met. He says it would make him uncomfortable. That is the thing right? He will not work on his issues for closer intimacy with me. Too uncomfortable for him.
I have thought until the past few months that if I could just love him enough he would feel safe enough to change- because he says he wants to. But the bottom line may just be that this is who he is and can ever be with me. Take it or leave it.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 20, 2017 8:02:11 GMT -5
Wow, workingonit! After 17 years it would make him uncomfortable to MEET these family members? Good god, that dude. I can’t fathom. My Ex would go to a lot of my family stuff but that didn’t mean he liked it. And he would snivel and whine about it, often making me wish he had not agreed to go. I don’t want a “guest under duress” as my escort to a cousin’s lovely wedding or the family picnic. That’s a lot like I don’t want sex under duress either. I too came to the group thinking his selfish ways were limited to our bedroom but learned to see clearly that his attitude of “my way” actually pervaded most or all of our interactions. Therapy also helped me develop the clarity I needed to see, name, & feel what was really happening in our partnership. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 20, 2017 8:17:04 GMT -5
Something this group has helped me pay attention to is the way the pattern of refusing exists in other aspects of our marriage that I have just adjusted to. Now that I am really seeing these things I am starting to let go of the why. Example: my H says he desires me but he has lots of hang ups about sex. But in other news do you know in 17 years he will not come to my family gatherings at all? I have family I see at least yearly that he has never met. He says it would make him uncomfortable. That is the thing right? He will not work on his issues for closer intimacy with me. Too uncomfortable for him. I have thought until the past few months that if I could just love him enough he would feel safe enough to change- because he says he wants to. But the bottom line may just be that this is who he is and can ever be with me. Take it or leave it. Refusers can be such a killjoy in so many other aspects of our attempts to have joy in our life. All we ask is to "please be a part of my life by sharing joyful things with me, and you get joy from it too". An equal giving and receiving. It sure shows the ripple affect, how it impacts so many other parts of our lives. No intimacy = no communication. No communication = no trust. No trust = divorce. |
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