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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2017 17:19:09 GMT -5
But now I'm questioning. On a scale of 1-10 of providing comfort and support, my wife has been about a 2. She liked my Dad, knows how big of a hole this leaves in my heart but she just can't bring herself to be kind about it. She said a, "I'm so sorry" on the day it happened but since then I'm just alone with my grief. We've made plans to attend the memorial service, etc. so, as always, she's good at the practical things but just nothing on the feelings side. Is this consistent with other people's experiences with their refuser? I'm so lost on why I can't get a random hug once in a while. A e-mail that says something supportive. Just nothing. My refuser was quite a bit like this. I used to live in another town about 300 miles from where my mom is in a Alzeimer's facility When she was placed there, I decided that I was going to go see her once a month. After a year, my refuser told me that I should just go every other month because my mom, "doesn't really know that I am there anyway." Another reason that I am glad to be rid of her. |
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Comfort
Oct 17, 2017 17:24:58 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by northstarmom on Oct 17, 2017 17:24:58 GMT -5
When we divorced, my refuser moved 6,000 miles away to Asia. His parents live in West Virginia, were in their 80s and his father has Alzheimer's. I would have thought my ex would have wanted to be close enough to regularly visit and help out his parents, who had worked blue collar jobs. My ex had had a more than 6 figure income. At my suggestion, he visited them before moving out of the country. While there, he borrowed money to help with his move!
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Comfort
Oct 17, 2017 22:47:00 GMT -5
Post by greatcoastal on Oct 17, 2017 22:47:00 GMT -5
Over the past 3 weeks my 85 yr old FIL has been to the hospital 3 times. There are now nurses and physical therapists visiting the house daily.
My FIL has lived with us for 11 yrs. now. Besides his W. I have been in his life more than anyone else. We share the house ,the kids, the family, 24/7.
Now with the divorce, my W's true controlling behavior comes shining through. I have been told one sentence from her regarding her father. "I am taking Grandpa to the ER". I hear everything through the walls or second hand from the teens. My typical controller! Grandpa shy's away from me to keep the peace.
So, the more I read all these wonderful posts, I wonder about the near future. Grandpa passing away during the divorce, or shortly their after.How will I handle it? How will my my W. react to any of my advances to give her support, comfort, and be there for her? Like it or not this will impact everyone. She can't remain in complete control -as much as she would like- the teens have their own grieving process to go through and will also turn to me. (she won't like that) Her family will have to deal with me. Who knows how that will go over? I'm betting my W's pride will keep her from seeking any comfort from me, and then it will be twisted and manipulated to look like I refused to participate, and help her at all. (sigh)
Even my decision-coming up in two months- to keep the house and get majority of custody, all will have an impact on Grandpa. Come to think of it, It sounds like some very well thought out manipulation tactics! Doesn't it? Another example of how difficult it is to be a giver, and not get taken advantage of, while feeling justified for standing up for yourself, and the rest of the family.
Lets not forget those feelings of revenge! The thoughts about my own parents passing, what was done for me, and what will be expected of me now? The feelings that I tell myself "will do me no good. Forgiveness, move on, move forward, don't be like her, the past is the past." Be who you are, and be proud of it. If it means giving 100% percent to someone who gave you 1% that's what I will do. Because that is my conscience, it's who I am. Only this time their will be boundaries. I will work with other family members and not be taken advantage of.
Thanks for letting me voice this. trying to stay on topic. I hope it's relevant.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 18, 2017 6:54:25 GMT -5
"How will my my W. react to any of my advances to give her support, comfort, and be there for her?"
Am I correctly remembering that your wife has used you as a sperm donor and child minder but has not in the past participated in any kind of marital intimacy with you? If that is the case, more than likely your wife-- who likely will be your ex wife- will not want any comfort from you when her father dies.
Instead of focusing on helping her, focus on how you can emotionally support your kids and yourself after he passes. Presumably since he lived with you, too, for 11 years, you have grown attached to him and will grieve his loss. Indeed, since your wife is shutting you out of his life now you could use support now.
It is time to let go of feeling responsible for easing her life. Take responsibility for your own mental health.
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 18, 2017 15:02:41 GMT -5
I'm saddened by all these stories; my condolences and fellow-feelings go out to all of you here.
From my marriage there was a similar, odd lack of compassion it was almost a complete inability to connect. This story must suffice:
My wife's father was a lovely, thoughtful man. I hadn't been able to reach him on the phone for four days; this wasn't unusual but I went to his house to see if he was OK. I was met there by the neighbours who told me that he had just been found dead; he'd been dead for four days. After dealing with the police and identifying the body, I waited alone in the house for the undertakers and then cleaned up the blood and vomit on the kitchen floor.
My wife couldn't face any of this - fair enough but when I took her back to her dad's house next day, we went into the kitchen and she made her only comment to me; she pointed to a spot on the floor, some distance from where his body had lain and said, critically, "You missed a bit".
It's like there is something missing, it's an absence, a void that I am at a loss to understand.
I guess we all are.
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Comfort
Oct 21, 2017 22:03:17 GMT -5
Post by obobfla on Oct 21, 2017 22:03:17 GMT -5
Sorry for your loss @tooyoungtobeold. I lost both my parents five years ago.
My wife was as supportive as she could be, which wasn’t much. She let me be with my brothers and sisters and took care of my son. She liked my parents, as she had lost her dad several years before. While she tries to be empathetic, she lacks the comprehension to deal with what I go through.
I know this was covered in another thread, but there were two times I needed to go to the emergency room. I had to argue with her to take me the first time, and the second I had to call the ambulance myself. Compare this to the past year, when I had to drag her kicking and screaming to the hospital four times to save her life. I imagine I have saved her life about five times this past year, visiting her almost every day in the hospital for the past six months.
There is some disconnect with our spouses that makes them not only cut us out sexually but in almost every other way as well.
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Post by wom360 on Oct 22, 2017 0:37:27 GMT -5
None of these posts are surprising. The sexlessness is just a symptom of the lack of love. People somehow convince themselves that the love is still there and it just the sex that is gone, but that is wishful thinking.
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Post by wom360 on Oct 22, 2017 0:38:51 GMT -5
Over the past 3 weeks my 85 yr old FIL has been to the hospital 3 times. There are now nurses and physical therapists visiting the house daily. My FIL has lived with us for 11 yrs. now. Besides his W. I have been in his life more than anyone else. We share the house ,the kids, the family, 24/7. Now with the divorce, my W's true controlling behavior comes shining through. I have been told one sentence from her regarding her father. "I am taking Grandpa to the ER". I hear everything through the walls or second hand from the teens. My typical controller! Grandpa shy's away from me to keep the peace. So, the more I read all these wonderful posts, I wonder about the near future. Grandpa passing away during the divorce, or shortly their after.How will I handle it? How will my my W. react to any of my advances to give her support, comfort, and be there for her? Like it or not this will impact everyone. She can't remain in complete control -as much as she would like- the teens have their own grieving process to go through and will also turn to me. (she won't like that) Her family will have to deal with me. Who knows how that will go over? I'm betting my W's pride will keep her from seeking any comfort from me, and then it will be twisted and manipulated to look like I refused to participate, and help her at all. (sigh) Even my decision-coming up in two months- to keep the house and get majority of custody, all will have an impact on Grandpa. Come to think of it, It sounds like some very well thought out manipulation tactics! Doesn't it? Another example of how difficult it is to be a giver, and not get taken advantage of, while feeling justified for standing up for yourself, and the rest of the family. Lets not forget those feelings of revenge! The thoughts about my own parents passing, what was done for me, and what will be expected of me now? The feelings that I tell myself "will do me no good. Forgiveness, move on, move forward, don't be like her, the past is the past." Be who you are, and be proud of it. If it means giving 100% percent to someone who gave you 1% that's what I will do. Because that is my conscience, it's who I am. Only this time their will be boundaries. I will work with other family members and not be taken advantage of. Thanks for letting me voice this. trying to stay on topic. I hope it's relevant. This post (actually most of your posts) makes it sound like you’re severely codependent. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 22, 2017 6:49:27 GMT -5
Over the past 3 weeks my 85 yr old FIL has been to the hospital 3 times. There are now nurses and physical therapists visiting the house daily. My FIL has lived with us for 11 yrs. now. Besides his W. I have been in his life more than anyone else. We share the house ,the kids, the family, 24/7. Now with the divorce, my W's true controlling behavior comes shining through. I have been told one sentence from her regarding her father. "I am taking Grandpa to the ER". I hear everything through the walls or second hand from the teens. My typical controller! Grandpa shy's away from me to keep the peace. So, the more I read all these wonderful posts, I wonder about the near future. Grandpa passing away during the divorce, or shortly their after.How will I handle it? How will my my W. react to any of my advances to give her support, comfort, and be there for her? Like it or not this will impact everyone. She can't remain in complete control -as much as she would like- the teens have their own grieving process to go through and will also turn to me. (she won't like that) Her family will have to deal with me. Who knows how that will go over? I'm betting my W's pride will keep her from seeking any comfort from me, and then it will be twisted and manipulated to look like I refused to participate, and help her at all. (sigh) Even my decision-coming up in two months- to keep the house and get majority of custody, all will have an impact on Grandpa. Come to think of it, It sounds like some very well thought out manipulation tactics! Doesn't it? Another example of how difficult it is to be a giver, and not get taken advantage of, while feeling justified for standing up for yourself, and the rest of the family. Lets not forget those feelings of revenge! The thoughts about my own parents passing, what was done for me, and what will be expected of me now? The feelings that I tell myself "will do me no good. Forgiveness, move on, move forward, don't be like her, the past is the past." Be who you are, and be proud of it. If it means giving 100% percent to someone who gave you 1% that's what I will do. Because that is my conscience, it's who I am. Only this time their will be boundaries. I will work with other family members and not be taken advantage of. Thanks for letting me voice this. trying to stay on topic. I hope it's relevant. This post (actually most of your posts) makes it sound like you’re severely codependent. Yup!! That's very true. In a nut shell, that's what being married to a manipulative controller did to my independence. Far , far, to much "whatever makes you happy, and dying to myself". Not true with the rest of my relationships as I interact with others. Hence the divorce. |
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Post by M2G on Oct 22, 2017 7:38:40 GMT -5
When we divorced, my refuser moved 6,000 miles away to Asia. His parents live in West Virginia, were in their 80s and his father has Alzheimer's. I would have thought my ex would have wanted to be close enough to regularly visit and help out his parents, who had worked blue collar jobs. My ex had had a more than 6 figure income. At my suggestion, he visited them before moving out of the country. While there, he borrowed money to help with his move! Wow, that's just way beyond asshole. Very sorry you were tethered to him for so long. |
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Comfort
Oct 22, 2017 8:14:22 GMT -5
Post by M2G on Oct 22, 2017 8:14:22 GMT -5
Very sorry to hear all the sad stories above.
I believe real love can't be present in a person without compassion, empathy and caring for others. Sometimes though, all of that can be trampled in a person who, for whatever reason, builds walls around themselves to keep out the pain because, without those walls, they fear they will fall to pieces.
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I betrayed my Grandfather, one of the nicest people I've ever met. When he had to go to the nursing home I was in my 30's. I just could not bear going into that place. It gave me the creeps to the point of being emotionally paralyzed. This lack of courage on my part, for a guy that ran up the beaches on D-Day, and I'm afraid of a little nursing home. Jesus #$%^'n A C...
So, when my wife's dadmonster went to the home 20 years or so later, I offered to go and visit him - an attempt on my part to stay out of hell. Boy, she was (justifiably) pissed: "Why to you want to (provide care and comfort) to my abuser!?" That was about a year ago now and finally last night, I apologized to her, and told her why. "Why don't you just go and volunteer," she said: "if you're really serious about it." Wise and simple words - hopefully I will find the courage see it through.
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It's important to understand why this condition exists in a person: Abusive childhood, trauma, or whatever. Of course, it can also mean that the person is a complete sociopath.
It is terribly sad for me, to think of people who go through life like this - basically alone in the crowd because they won't let anyone in. I have lived that. I'm getting better - but it requires a state of total vigilance of self that can never really end.
So, damaged or disordered?
As is often said in this forum - you can't change them, or help them, unless they open up, want to change, and put in the work required for continuous improvement.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2017 15:25:53 GMT -5
None of these posts are surprising. The sexlessness is just a symptom of the lack of love. People somehow convince themselves that the love is still there and it just the sex that is gone, but that is wishful thinking. For myself it's not that I've convinced myself that the love is either there or isn't. She just doens't "love" like I do. For some people I don't disagree with you but you have to be careful deciding that the love=sex equation is the problem. I've described it before as height. This is a hypothetical but if my wife absolutely NEEDED me to be 6'2" tall, no matter how much she needed it to feel safe, etc. there would be nothing I could do about it. I'm 5'11" and that's it. No matter how much I would want my wife to participate in a loving sex life, she can't. It's not in her. It never was and never will be. |
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Oct 30, 2017 16:09:07 GMT -5
Post by dinnaken on Oct 30, 2017 16:09:07 GMT -5
"No matter how much I would want my wife to participate in a loving sex life, she can't. It's not in her. It never was and never will be."
I absolutely agree
Once again, my sincere condolences go out to you and your family.
Best wishes
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Post by workingonit on Oct 30, 2017 22:16:10 GMT -5
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my very beloved mother 6 years ago, also suddenly. I was going to say I feel like he gave me great support but then I also remember him not attending the memorial service at my parents' house with my whole family there. There is a way my H has really kept himself very separate from my family. He supported me but I really mourned with my sister, father, aunts, cousins. I did get lots of texts, calls, etc. I think my expectations of what he will give to me are so low that I can not even see how lame they are!!
I cannot tell you the grief really gets better but time does give you some space from how overwhelming it is. Sending virtual hugs...
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Oct 31, 2017 11:24:13 GMT -5
Post by WindSister on Oct 31, 2017 11:24:13 GMT -5
It hurts so bad losing a parent you are close to, no matter our age. I am sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself and grab joys/comfort where you can. I don't want to give advise, but I do remember finding great comfort in searching/listening to new music and walking. A lot. I didn't like being home with my ex as he also was not comforting. That's actually when I started to really grab life and divorce progressed from that point. Take care of yourself. ((hugs))
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