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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2017 16:54:16 GMT -5
There was another thread a while back on if your refuser spouse was helpful during illness. I have another version of that. My father passed away two weeks ago today quite unexpectedly. He was a healthy 76 and he and I were close. To make matters more difficult, he passed away overseas while on vacation so making arrangements to have his remains repatriated to the US has been trying as well and that task has fallen to me.
I had come to the conclusion that I could live with the sexlessness. I hung out here a little bit, felt better knowing there are others and my coping mechanisms were doing well. Crappy sex once every 6 to 8 weeks, occasionally longer. OK, that's my life.
But now I'm questioning. On a scale of 1-10 of providing comfort and support, my wife has been about a 2. She liked my Dad, knows how big of a hole this leaves in my heart but she just can't bring herself to be kind about it. She said a, "I'm so sorry" on the day it happened but since then I'm just alone with my grief. We've made plans to attend the memorial service, etc. so, as always, she's good at the practical things but just nothing on the feelings side.
Is this consistent with other people's experiences with their refuser? I'm so lost on why I can't get a random hug once in a while. A e-mail that says something supportive. Just nothing.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 16, 2017 17:27:46 GMT -5
Oh man - I really am sad to hear your news. I haven’t had a parent pass yet. I’ve had two siblings go, though. And adding to that the foreign aspect - ouch.
My Ex usually said the right stuff. Even feely stuff. Grief, he was pretty good at.
His kindness didn’t last long. But it was sincere in times of crisis like this.
I’m so sorry you are alone in this.
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Comfort
Oct 16, 2017 17:49:21 GMT -5
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 16, 2017 17:49:21 GMT -5
I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending strength, positive thoughts, and a cyber hug your way.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 16, 2017 17:54:12 GMT -5
Just over a year ago my grandfather and my uncle passed away within a week of each other. My W sucked at comforting me. In her on words "I let you do your thing." WTF, the time when I needed hugs, kisses, and comforting she let me do my thing.
I can point to that exact time in my life when I realized, I lost the desire to be the old couple with her.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 16, 2017 18:10:46 GMT -5
When my grandfather died in 2000, I was very sad, he hugged me and then I drove down to be with my family by myself. Honestly looking back he really should have been there to comfort me but I'm a strong person.
When my grandmother died in 2012, we went down all together as a family with our children and his mother. He picked a fight with me before we pulled out of the driveway and I yelled at him "one day I'm going to be done with you". In 2016, I divorced him.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 16, 2017 20:07:18 GMT -5
My Father passed away days before we adopted our 4 th child. He knew about her but never got to meet her. Then my mother passed away days before we adopted our other two boys. Meanwhile I have been giving of myself in every form of love language to my FIL who has lived with us for 11 yrs.
Like yourself it opens my eyes to how much more of a giver I am verses my wife who clearly is more of a taker. When my parents passed away, the emotional giving from my wife, seemed non existing. However she did okay on the logistics side of things. My thoughts on that; because, it means giving up control. It means having to offer to do what ever your partner needs and desires at that time. It means being submissive. It means leveling the playing field and treating your partner as an equal. Maybe even putting them higher up than yourself....(gasp!) All traits, actions, words, emotions that a taker, a manipulative controller refuses to do.
It goes back to being intimate, submissive, and vulnerable to someone else. They are just not capable.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2017 22:16:24 GMT -5
My Father passed away days before we adopted our 4 th child. He knew about her but never got to meet her. Then my mother passed away days before we adopted our other two boys. Meanwhile I have been giving of myself in every form of love language to my FIL who has lived with us for 11 yrs. Like yourself it opens my eyes to how much more of a giver I am verses my wife who clearly is more of a taker. When my parents passed away, the emotional giving from my wife, seemed non existing. However she did okay on the logistics side of things. My thoughts on that; because, it means giving up control. It means having to offer to do what ever your partner needs and desires at that time. It means being submissive. It means leveling the playing field and treating your partner as an equal. Maybe even putting them higher up than yourself....(gasp!) All traits, actions, words, emotions that a taker, a manipulative controller refuses to do. It goes back to being intimate an submissive and vulnerable to someone else. They are just not capable. All true. Sometimes it all just feels so wrong. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2017 22:45:32 GMT -5
Minimal comfort here as well. It’s as if they can’t see outside themselves. Or their empathy-meter is broken. Or, they’re just cold-hearted. I think that’s the mind of a refuser, very walled off to any level of intimacy.
I’m sorry about your father. That’s a tough thing to have to deal with all alone. And if you’re married, there’s no reason you should be dealing with it alone.
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laura
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Post by laura on Oct 17, 2017 0:11:11 GMT -5
I'm very sorry for your loss and sorrier still that you are having to go through it without the affection of a loving partner. I think I understand what you mean about reevaluating how alone you are. Lot's of us decide to compromise on sex to keep the support and stability of a family and an otherwise good marriage, except when you need that support you find out it isn't really there either.
I was very close to my father. He died at age 64 just three months after I got married. Like your wife, my H liked my dad and knew how close we were, but he just couldn't muster up any empathy or gentleness. The lack of support from him was pretty complete and in some ways that willful abandonment was more bitter than losing my dad to illness. It would have been so good to make love with my new husband back then just to feel something safe and intimate and life affirming. Even a few hugs or a few minutes of listening would have gone a long way, but that also was beyond him. I can remember a specific moment when I consciously realized that I was just on my own with this one. It is a lonely feeling and if you are experiencing something similar my heart goes out to you.
I hope you'll be able to enjoy all the good things that remind you of him in years to come and that you have others besides your wife to share those memories with.
So to answer your question, yes, the lack of understanding you're getting is consistent with my experience. It is not just the sex. It seems intimacy aversion includes all forms of intimacy and empathy.
I'm really sorry that you feel alone. It isn't supposed to be that way and you deserve better.
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Comfort
Oct 17, 2017 0:58:23 GMT -5
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Post by lwoetin on Oct 17, 2017 0:58:23 GMT -5
Perhaps your wife has not lost anyone in her life yet?
My wife has lost both her parents. She mentioned years afterwards that I did not give her enough support when she was suffering. I look back and I wonder if I wasn't helpful to her because I haven't experienced losing my parents yet. She was depressed for years and I was unable to help her. I didn't have the experience nor emotional depth to empathize and comfort her. She sought help through church bereavement groups.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 17, 2017 10:53:50 GMT -5
I was having chest pain. My husband was watching football on tv. I offered to drive myself to the hospital so he could watch his favorite team. He let me. Fortunately, I was not having a heart attack.
I did not get tenure in my dream job as a college prof. He had 2 masters degrees and had gotten tenure in the same department. I have 2 doctorates and had gotten a prestigious national fellowship and other national awards. I fell into such a major depression that I couldn't even get out of bed. Husband insisted that I go to parties thrown by my former dean. Husband said that would show my former colleagues how well I was doing.
One of my oldest and dearest friends tried to tell me how selfish my husband was and how his behavior made me a shell of what I had been. I didn't believe her, but did agree to go to individual counseling. That counseling was what ended up helping me reclaim myself and develop enough independence and good sense to leave my refuser. I will now know what kind of support is reasonable to expect in a relationship and I won't settle for less.
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Oct 17, 2017 12:54:24 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2017 12:54:24 GMT -5
I was having chest pain. My husband was watching football on tv. I offered to drive myself to the hospital so he could watch his favorite team. He let me. Fortunately, I was not having a heart attack. I did not get tenure in my dream job as a college prof. He had 2 masters degrees and had gotten tenure in the same department. I have 2 doctorates and had gotten a prestigious national fellowship and other national awards. I fell into such a major depression that I couldn't even get out of bed. Husband insisted that I go to parties thrown by my former dean. Husband said that would show my former colleagues how well I was doing. One of my oldest and dearest friends tried to tell me how selfish my husband was and how his behavior made me a shell of what I had been. I didn't believe her, but did agree to go to individual counseling. That counseling was what ended up helping me reclaim myself and develop enough independence and good sense to leave my refuser. I will now know what kind of support is reasonable to expect in a relationship and I won't settle for less. That's the part that hurts. I didn't still think I expected much. I've adjusted my expectations for anything involving feelings and letting down your guard to not much above zero. What I got was zero. Just to be clear, I'm not talking about "I'm sad so can we have sex." I just really need a kind word, a hug, a hand on a shoulder and I don't feel like those are things you should have to ask for. Maybe I'm wrong. So sorry that happened to you, northstarmom. |
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Oct 17, 2017 15:20:20 GMT -5
Post by h on Oct 17, 2017 15:20:20 GMT -5
Very sorry for your loss. I haven't lost a parent yet so I'm not sure how my W would be. I can't imagine going through that without lots of support. If my W did the same as yours, I think it would really affect my choices for the future.
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Oct 17, 2017 16:44:15 GMT -5
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Post by merrygoround on Oct 17, 2017 16:44:15 GMT -5
@tooyoungtobeold. My heartfelt sympathies at your sad loss. X
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Oct 17, 2017 16:55:52 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2017 16:55:52 GMT -5
I’m sorry for your loss. Can I do anything that would help?
My mom is presently very ill, and Mr. Kat is good to talk to about that. But I have to reach out to him first.
I’m not sure that’s exactly wrong. It can be hard to know the right thing to do or say when this happens. That’s why I like to ask, instead of assuming; and not make fatuous remarks.
Mr. Kat and I had been dating about 2 years when he lost his mother. I did what I always do - expressed that I’m sorry, and asked what I could do that would help. He never did get into real discussions about his mom, but he was able to tell me when he was feeling sad about it. But he seemed to want to go through the feelings with minimal response or action from me; so I knew better than to push too hard.
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