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Post by workingonit on Oct 16, 2017 5:55:26 GMT -5
My H has refused therapy for years. This summer when I started talking about separating he agreed to a date night. Every Sunday we sit together for 2 hours and talk only about our relationship. Of course all of this comes from me and he is mostly listening/reacting. He never brings anything to the discussion, never works on stuff on his own.
Last night I talked about my ideal sexual relationship and where ours went off the rails (week 1). He was receptive and actually said "That is exactly my ideal." And then he got THAT look and said "You know whatever problems we have me desiring you has never been a problem. Of course I want you." Really? WTF? How in the WORLD would I know that???
I was really mad actually. 8 years of nothing and this is what he says?? He makes no effort to fix anything? Even now he is only responding to MY growth. To MY pushing and pushing.
Interestingly when that look came on his face and he told me he wanted me my stomach turned a little. Not in a good way. He wants to try to save this hell hole with that weak ass stab at a move? I saw so clearly this heading toward reset sex. (Maybe one day- I mean he STILL did not make a move - he actually said "Maybe soon we could do something sexual." Aaaaaaahhh!!!!)
So, do you take reset sex knowing that is exactly what it is? Is it worth it? It feels like at least I will know I have done everything I can.....A last attempt.
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Post by rejected101 on Oct 16, 2017 6:07:18 GMT -5
My H has refused therapy for years. This summer when I started talking about separating he agreed to a date night. Every Sunday we sit together for 2 hours and talk only about our relationship. Of course all of this comes from me and he is mostly listening/reacting. He never brings anything to the discussion, never works on stuff on his own. Last night I talked about my ideal sexual relationship and where ours went off the rails (week 1). He was receptive and actually said "That is exactly my ideal." And then he got THAT look and said "You know whatever problems we have me desiring you has never been a problem. Of course I want you." Really? WTF? How in the WORLD would I know that??? I was really mad actually. 8 years of nothing and this is what he says?? He makes no effort to fix anything? Even now he is only responding to MY growth. To MY pushing and pushing. Interestingly when that look came on his face and he told me he wanted me my stomach turned a little. Not in a good way. He wants to try to save this hell hole with that weak ass stab at a move? I saw so clearly this heading toward reset sex. (Maybe one day- I mean he STILL did not make a move - he actually said "Maybe soon we could do something sexual." Aaaaaaahhh!!!!) So, do you take reset sex knowing that is exactly what it is? Is it worth it? It feels like at least I will know I have done everything I can.....A last attempt. Firstly, when you have your discussion each Sunday, have you raised the fact that one of your problems is that he brings nothing to the table? That is a very prudent point to raise as it would bother anyone when they feel that their partner is not making any effort. As for reset sex, I’m no expert. In the worst years of my marriage my W and I would have sex once every 6 weeks. Now I have deduced from the general talk on this forum that ‘reset sex’ is when your partner gives in and puts out to shut you the hell up. My W was/is a very different animal and ‘she’ would want to fuck my brains out after a 5,6 or 7 week drought. So therefore I’m not sure my situation actually counts there. If it was the first example though where she just seemed to do it just to shut me up, I would not have gone along with that for very long at all. I’m better than that and no doubt you are too!
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Post by workingonit on Oct 16, 2017 6:12:04 GMT -5
Yes, last night I finally made it clear that he needed to actually do some movement on his own. He falls back on the explanation that he is paralyzed with fear of losing me. It is true- he will do NOTHING about a problem that might make him feel vulnerable. Not enough anymore
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Post by rejected101 on Oct 16, 2017 6:19:21 GMT -5
Yes, last night I finally made it clear that he needed to actually do some movement on his own. He falls back on the explanation that he is paralyzed with fear of losing me. It is true- he will do NOTHING about a problem that might make him feel vulnerable. Not enough anymore You are doing all the right things and giving it the best chance you can. He will have to stand and deliver now. As for being paralysed with fear of losing you, that is a little weak. If we stand on a train track are we paralysed with fear of death when a train comes along? No! We would move and remove the danger.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 16, 2017 6:23:26 GMT -5
Jenn, what your husband's behavior demonstrates is that neither he nor you can beg, threaten or manipulate or even seduce him into loving you the way you want. He can no more enthusiastically, happily and passionately fuck you than you can with enthusiasm and happiness eat a food that you loathe. You wouldn't be able to do that even if your spouse threatened to leave you. Sex is a helluva lot more intimate than is eating. The idea of putting on such a show at least once a week would be unappealing.
Time to believe the message your husband's actions and words are telling both of you. The ""paralyzed " sex is the best he has to offer you. It's up to you whether that is a deal breaker.
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Post by jim44444 on Oct 16, 2017 8:17:14 GMT -5
If his plan to improve consists of
then he has no plan, only a diversion. It is not a SMART plan. It is not Specific or Measurable (something). It is not Assignable (we). It is not Time bound (soon). The only positive is that it is Realistic in that you are both capable of sex. But the fact remains that he does NOT want to fuck you.
You do need to have your exit plan put together. You may not be prepared to leave but he might be ready.
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Post by jim44444 on Oct 16, 2017 8:29:03 GMT -5
Also as to the reset sex question that depends. If it is enthusiastic and loving reset sex then yes I would take it. If it is begrudgingly given then no. The last time my W offered was on a cruise last February. In that she was drunk I had no interest. Since then I have only asked once for a BJ and she said that sounded like fun and it was. Sure I want sex more often (3 or more times per week) but I will no longer beg or engage in fruitless seduction.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 16, 2017 8:39:29 GMT -5
Just to put it simple terms, A re set sex is going to make you mad. You will be left feeling more manipulated, abused, used, taken advantage of, being conned, denied,controlled, belittled,disrespected,etc..... That's not what a marriage is supposed to be? is it?
The good part about "when bad things happen to good people" it makes you take action. These are called tipping points and breaking points. You can find good information books, articles about this kind of abuse. Look in the resources file.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Oct 16, 2017 8:49:14 GMT -5
I've never been offered reset sex from my wife. If I were ever offered reset sex, I'd like to hope that I would say no. In your situation it sounds like just plain mind games on your husbands part.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 16, 2017 9:35:02 GMT -5
Reset sex can take a # of forms. Others above have talked about the starfish version. My X would reset me pretty much every 3 months. I don't think it was entirely done to shut me up as she really seemed to enjoy the orgasm I was able to give her. Her active participation in the intimacy seemed heartfelt and genuine and that made it good for me. But the effect was the same, I quieted down for a week or so. Until finally I couldn't take it anymore. I am sure you have read that words are cheap. It's actions that mean something. If he really wanted to make the most of the marriage he would be doing anything and everything he could think of to be the man you want. When I recognized I wasn't initiating much I immediately had my testosterone checked. It was way, way below normal. So I got the medication, used it and my desire returned like a mac truck. I started fixing things about myself and manned up. If you H valued the marriage he would set about fixing himself and addressing the areas in the relationship that need his active input and participation. His refusal to take these actions speaks volumes.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2017 10:04:39 GMT -5
workingonit I smell bullshit. Of course, I could be wrong. My refuser used to tell me that she did find me attractive as well. How was I supposed to know that after 5 years of celibacy? If you want to accept reset sex, you certainly can, but don't expect it to be very satisfying. Frankly, after having fulfilling and fun sex with my beautiful Kimmie, I could never consider going back to my refuser. The idea turns my stomach.
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Post by h on Oct 16, 2017 11:43:11 GMT -5
As long as you are aware that it's reset sex and don't cave in to the idea that he's changed, I see no reason not to take the sex. It might be better than you expect and if not, nothing lost.
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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 16, 2017 11:48:02 GMT -5
I have taken a stance that I'm not putting a bandaid on a bullet wound. You sat there and put the cards on the table, he should've ripped off your clothes and showed you why choose him, and ravaged you in the morning. It boggles my mind when I hear this type of story. I've been there, it sucks, reset sex means nothing, sweet your naked and laying there, don't seduce me by saying hurry up. Where is the true connection, do you actually have feelings for me, us, it's a basic human function, if you can't bring yourself to put in effort, then I'm good, I'm sorry I repulsed you by attempting to worship your body. I would tell him to get his T levels tested, then send him to a urologist, if it all comes back clear, tell him times ticking. I obviously don't know your situation, I will tell you I admire your courage, I personally get beat up every time I open my mouth (verbally not physically) but my mind is made up, when the kids are older, I'm out. My life is to complicated to leave, and admire anyone that has the luxury of a clean break.
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Post by elkclan2 on Oct 16, 2017 12:51:40 GMT -5
Yes do it!!! Make sure you're protected against pregnancy though. The last time I had sex with my refuser husband it was reset sex and it was a revelation! I lost interest halfway through and he got all upset and said he felt 'rejected' and accused me of doing it in retaliation. However, it wasn't I just realised how he was going through the motions and not having sex with ME and enjoying it as a mutual experience!! It took him a couple of weeks to get around to it after I issued an ultimatum. At that point I realised I never wanted to have sex with him again.
BTW - I'm not with him anymore and am in a NEW sexual relationship with a man who gets the look and follows through on it if it's at all physically possible to do! (i.e. no awake children, not illegal because we're in public, not walking out the door for other commitments!) I love our sex life!!
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Post by rejected101 on Oct 16, 2017 15:26:13 GMT -5
Reset sex can take a # of forms. Others above have talked about the starfish version. My X would reset me pretty much every 3 months. I don't think it was entirely done to shut me up as she really seemed to enjoy the orgasm I was able to give her. Her active participation in the intimacy seemed heartfelt and genuine and that made it good for me. But the effect was the same, I quieted down for a week or so. Until finally I couldn't take it anymore. I am sure you have read that words are cheap. It's actions that mean something. If he really wanted to make the most of the marriage he would be doing anything and everything he could think of to be the man you want. When I recognized I wasn't initiating much I immediately had my testosterone checked. It was way, way below normal. So I got the medication, used it and my desire returned like a mac truck. I started fixing things about myself and manned up. If you H valued the marriage he would set about fixing himself and addressing the areas in the relationship that need his active input and participation. His refusal to take these actions speaks volumes. My experience of reset sex was exactly as you have described. Heartfelt, enjoyed, enthusiastic participation. However, I don’t believe that is a reset. I believe that is someone who is for the most part, simply content without sex and chooses to take the plunge as and when they feel inclined to do so. It’s no easier to deal with than any other series of refusals and in my case, I found it harder to accept (because she clearly loved it when we did it).
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