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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 15, 2017 8:03:52 GMT -5
"Your wife didn't break any vows but you did". That sounds like a bunch of B.S. (again lack of info.) Think about those of us who are ending our SM and starting again. How big a factor is knowing all about the next person? It's HUGE! So you don't get involved with another SM. How do you do that? You find out about their past. How do you do that? Communication and trust. Sounds like she refused to oblige to either of those." I do not think she owed him her past sexual history. If she passed herself off to him as a virgin, then he would have a right to be upset because she would have lied. If she let him know she'd had sec before him, then I don't see any reason for her to have told him all the details. But, if she had it would have been to her advantage by preventing her marriage to a vindictive asshole, Thanks for proving my point. There are to many "lf" in this story. If,If, if! There is 3 sides to every story. His side, her side, and the truth. I truly question the vindictive part. To put that many years of being married to a person in one word? What's bad is that stories like this get printed with so little information. Someone who has been through decades of a SM would probably give it a lot more thought. Others who have little experience take it as truth and move on. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 15, 2017 8:10:01 GMT -5
He completely stops having sex with his wife for decades because he heard she had sex with married men before she married him. His behavior was vindictive. He never even talked to his wife about what he'd heard.
I think he was looking for an excuse to stop having sex with her. That's why he never told her. For all he knew, her friend may have lied or not known the whole story. Also, if he told his wife, she might have decided she didn't want to stay married to him.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 17, 2017 22:07:14 GMT -5
My bet is the guy both sucked at sexual intimacy and never really wanted it, anyway.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Oct 18, 2017 9:02:58 GMT -5
Well, a good example of the adage that we get what we allow.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2017 14:04:02 GMT -5
He completely stops having sex with his wife for decades because he heard she had sex with married men before she married him. His behavior was vindictive. He never even talked to his wife about what he'd heard. I think he was looking for an excuse to stop having sex with her. That's why he never told her. For all he knew, her friend may have lied or not known the whole story. Also, if he told his wife, she might have decided she didn't want to stay married to him. This. I do have to wonder - they got married at 21, after going together for a year. So she got lots of sexual experience (including 2 married men) before she turned 20? My philosophy about a partner’s past: I don’t want to know their number, and I will not tell them my number. If they have children or an incurable disease as a result of things that happened before me, I feel like I have a right to know about that; and I would give them that information about myself (if either of those things was true.) Other stuff about a partner’s sexual past, IMHO, is sort of a gray area. If this is a man that I’m going to have a real relationship with, then if something in his past has strongly affected his life and his personality, I would like to know some of it. Maybe not the details. But I would understand if he had trouble opening up and telling me about some things. I have the same problem. That said - I think with true intimacy, you feel safe enough with the person to open up more. And I know that part of it has a “chicken-and-egg” aspect - sometimes daring to open up can increase intimacy. |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 19, 2017 14:30:43 GMT -5
A good example of why why hunting may not make sense. Letting go of the person who is so cruel, indifferent, vengeful or selfish does make sense. This is today's column from Annie Lane: Dear Annie: I saw the letter in your column written by "Jealous in Wisconsin." I empathize with "Jealous," because I know exactly how he feels. My wife and I both met when we were just barely 20 years old. I was a very naive 20. I had only had one girlfriend in my life, and we'd never even gotten physical. My wife and I married at 21 after going together for a year. I was deeply in love. A few years after we got married and had a son, I found out some things from a friend of hers. It seems my wife had quite a past with other men, including two married men. I didn't believe it at first, but it turned out to be true. I have never looked at her the same. The love I had for her has disappeared. We've been married for almost 40 years now because I decided to stay with her — not out of love but out of obligation, I suppose. I haven't been intimate with her for decades and won't ever again. I suppose she doesn't care about the intimate part; she already had her fun before she met me. She has been a great mom to our son, and she has been kind to me over the years, but things with us will never be as a marriage should be. You can call it wrong to act or feel that way, but I do, and no counseling will ever change that. — Sickened Dear Sickened: Shame on you. Your wife didn't break any vows, but you did. Rather than love and cherish her, you've treated her like dirt, all because of some things she did as a teenager. Your pettiness has cost this poor woman the joy of a supportive partnership, and I'd like you to take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself what it's bought you. One thing I've learned from this forum. Every refuser has their reasons. Us humans are pretty amazing animals. We can take a position and will defend it with everything we have even though we know deep down it's bullshit. So he was hurt / disgusted / offended by her past? And his response? Chop his own dick off for a few decades. To what end? To "punish" her for something she did with someone else before you knew her? Dude, don't you ever get horny? What a prick. But... In his mind, he has his reasons. If you sit and reflect upon this and how it pertains to your own situation, you may gain insight into the mind of your own refuser. And the stench of the bullshit will most likely be strong. |
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