Do you still have hope? If so, for what? If not, why stay?

I am new to this board and pretty ecstatic to be reading all of your voices and knowing you get what I am going through!

My H of 17 years is a really great, intelligent man.  We got married quickly due to outside pressure (not going into it) and sex was an issue from the beginning. I guess the summary is just that I was really passionate and wanted raw, everything-goes, soul and body intimacy and he was much more closed and insecure.  He had some early experiences that lead him to have lots of self doubts about himself sexually, despite his confidence in other areas. He was willing to work on it and I thought we had such a great connection there was no reason we couldn't make this work. Well, I was vocal about what I wanted, which made him feel performance pressure. He started to get more closed instead of more open. It started with position things- he could only have sex in the missionary position with him on top, etc. He was so insecure he did not like to look at me and would cry if I gave any direction - "could you just touch here..."  This was the first few months! Then I got pregnant and was horribly sick for 4 months. After the sickness passed all I wanted was sex all the time but I did not get it much. 

Fast forward to a few years later. We have 2 kids, we have not had sex of anything in 2 years, we were in financial trouble and he was refusing to look for work, I was preparing to leave him. We decided to give it a serious try to save the marriage- counseling, workshops, books, articles, and my insistence that we work on making sex at least fun. He agreed and we worked really hard on everything for several years. We had sex nights marked on the calendar at least 3 times a week, we had a date night....it was better. Was it the greatest connection ever?  No. But it was good and we used sex toys and we both got off and usually had a laugh and a cuddle and some beautiful making out. That lasted about 2.5 years.

Then he told me that he really never liked or wanted vaginal sex. That he is not gay but that his only fantasy is oral sex. Ok.....fine. I am game for some oral!  Usually before some penetration but ok. This started a horrible cycle where he would reject any move toward sex but let me give him oral. He would then use some sex toys on me (which I could do on my own, thank you). The kissing diminished, the cuddling diminished, the fun diminished, the connection all but died. It was like he would let me service him but refused to have sex other than him laying back while I gave him oral. This got old fast. The more I pushed the more he just had a million excuses. Including, to his credit " I am just f-ed up, I just only like oral sex, I just don't need affection like you do because my life was so messed up." I basically told him I was willing to do whatever he needed in order to move forward with intimacy but there had to be some movement on his part. I stopped initiating, not wanting more rejection. This just made him more insecure.

Fast forward to today. Last month marked 8 years since I have had sex. I am 43 years old. It has been 4 years since there has been any sexual contact at all. And 2 years since we have even hugged, held hands, cuddled, kissed. 

I am asking the question about hope because I am in therapy now and I feel like I am going through the motions of trying to fix this mess. However, I am starting to be honest with myself that I don't even believe it can be fixed. He does not want to do the work on himself he needs to do to be intimate. He is saying he wants to now that I am moving toward the exit but I honestly don't think I believe him. When I hope for the future it is not him that I see myself laying tangled with on a rumpled bed. It is someone who WANTs to be there with me.  

So any stories of people still hoping despite the evidence in front of them?  Any stories where years of SM turned around?  What are your reasons to hope?