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Post by ironhamster on Oct 24, 2017 9:36:21 GMT -5
I only know of two couples with an open marriage that is functional. One, I could argue whether it is open or not because they play but do not have sex with other people. The other, they are both bisexual so, just let your imagination run with that.
As a general rule, I think open marriages are one step toward divorce, but when divorce is not yet an option due to children or some other issue.
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Post by WindSister on Oct 24, 2017 10:19:25 GMT -5
WindSister , the word that stands out in my mind is "committed". As in, how can I truly be committed to more than one person? Take an extreme... 100 people. It'd be hard to argue that you can be committed to all of them. So, clearly, spreading yourself thin diminishes your level of commitment. Though we might try to argue that it can be done in small numbers, I think that's just fooling ourselves. Some people don't care about commitment. I'm not one of them. Settling? Life is all about compromises. The trick is being happy with your decisions. The big house or the smaller mortgage. The easy job or the better career. Blonde, brunette, or redhead. (Ok, so maybe not everything is a compromise... ;-) Yes, exactly.  I guess where I am in life now, commitment feels damn good. That doesn't make it "easy" but it's that kind of work that is way more rewarding than the actual work put into it, if that makes sense. I am still amazed at how good it feels to "choose each other." I am learning from my husband, actually, just what commitment means, along with loyalty and faithfulness. He actually told me his order of things is "wife, kids, family, friends, job." I was stunned because in my past marriage I was placed some place behind "house and dog." He says what he means and means what he says. I have always been more flaky, non-committal. But then I didn't have someone worth committing to until him. He doesn't take well to lying or being let down, though. If someone says they will do something and then not do it (at work, for example), he loses all trust in that person and puts them on a back burner some where. It will take a lot of action for them to work their way back in. (It's why he cut ties with exes, 100%, a characteristic I don't exactly hate.. ha). But with me, he sees the good and gives me the benefit of the doubt. I actually have to be careful not to abuse that. I have let him down a couple times over "little" things, in my mind, but not in his because a person's word should be everything according to him. I am careful to keep honest and if I am not going to do something, to just say I won't instead of say I will and then not do it. I don't know-- got off track. But, I can see where sense of commitment makes things messy if/when things turn not so ideal. When DO you cut ties? Because a relationship is about compromise, softening critical gazes, choosing love over being "right," allowing freedom to be who each partner is without changing each other, finding your own happiness, etc. That's the struggle so many face. They want the reward of commitment, choosing each other, but they want a good love a good relationship and are not experiencing it with their current spouse for whatever reason (sexlessness reigns supreme here). But I am thinking to our "dry spell" and the current "blah" streak I find myself in and think about poly-type world. Is that when it would come in to play? So more like a drug/distraction to reality? Another way to numb one's self from reality when reality gets boring? Have a guy on the side sending me hot little texts, yeah, that would be exciting for a minute or two, take the edge off of the boredom/stress of current life. But what do you lose, what price do you pay for that? Then I imagine my husband receiving hot little texts from another woman and my heart just literally aches at the thought. Jealousy, obviously, but that's one I couldn't quiet. No way. No -- him with another woman? No. Just no. God. Make me sick. I guess that means we are co-dependent. And I am insecure in love. Not sure how not to be. I read the articles on it. Also on "unconditional" love versus "conditional." It all boggles the mind. Anyway. Good conversation, I find it fascinating at any rate. |
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 24, 2017 13:48:33 GMT -5
WindSister, I think there's a large element of "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" when it comes to side-interests. When you only meet romantically, it's easier to be, well, romantic about the concept. The "other" person will always be more exciting than the one who shares the mundane life tasks with you. That sexy person with whom you only ever do fun, sensual things with... might be equally boring if they were strapped with grocery shopping, paying bills, mowing the lawn, and doing dishes. That's the reality of life.
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Post by WindSister on Oct 24, 2017 15:24:43 GMT -5
WindSister , I think there's a large element of "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" when it comes to side-interests. When you only meet romantically, it's easier to be, well, romantic about the concept. The "other" person will always be more exciting than the one who shares the mundane life tasks with you. That sexy person with whom you only ever do fun, sensual things with... might be equally boring if they were strapped with grocery shopping, paying bills, mowing the lawn, and doing dishes. That's the reality of life. Exactly. I was reading the article I linked again. This... this makes me feel so freaking sad for this dude and I just DON'T GET IT. I don't get how anyone would be okay with it. OMG. That tears at my heart. And then this.... So is that what polymorists are actually after, then? NRE? Isn't that fleeting? I don't know. To each his or her own, but chasing highs leaves one empty eventually. Doesn't it? And then a note on jealousy. I am in a monogamist relationship, but we don't have our heads in the sand. We actually have frank conversations and I do use jealousy as a chance to investigate and grow. I don't think we have to literally add another woman in the mix (or man) to do that. I disagree that it's devastating. Actually, the more I learn about loving loyalty and faithfulness and the less I see it in the world around me, the more I see it's value. The more sad I am that it seems to be going out of style completely at every level. Are you telling me one can't experience transcendent growth by saying no to NRE and choosing love/loyalty/faithfulness instead? ^^^^ Yes, it is essential and obviously, all of us here know this, from very personal experiences. That is why I still hang around. I don't want a poly lifestyle. I want commitment with my husband, monogamy, and I want the sexuality to not die this time. I don't have "the answers," I am just experiencing so far, so good. (year 4 together) I will never take it for granted, though, knowing how dead it can become if one lets it die. ^^^^ And yes to that. I don't think we have to have multiple partners to experience a new self, however. I don't know -- all that to say I don't believe that an "open marriage" is a happier marriage. Maybe for those folks in the story, but I just can't see it as "open" as I have tried to be with the concept. Guess my wiring is old or something. lol (sorry, I think I am done going on and on with this topic, like I said, it fascinates me). |
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Post by Dan on Oct 26, 2017 8:29:12 GMT -5
I'm not down on monogamy, per se. (I'm just down on my current one.)
I was definitely raised with some pretty conservative ideas about sex. You know, the basic "only inside a marriage" thing. Now I just don't believe in that any more. To my amazement, I'm on the verge of advising my kids: "please DO have a bunch a sex in your twenties, and before you get engaged."
I had VERY FEW sexual encounters before marriage. Now, I'm not saying "if I had had more sex before I met my wife I could have avoided the SM". Nor am I saying "if I had had more sex with my wife before I married here, I could have avoided the SM".
But if I had had more sex before marriage, I think I could have detected that the marriage was head toward (or already in) a "sexless state", and that would have allowed me to start working on solutions, oh, a decade or more earlier.
----
Separately, IT IS NO SURPRISE THAT SO MANY HERE bend towards monogamy, as evidenced by the comments on this thread. After all: we stayed with it even through the disastrous years of sexlessness! The ones who are quicker to divorce were probably not in sexless marriages long enough to need, find, and participate in this forum.
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Post by Dan on Oct 26, 2017 8:33:04 GMT -5
My feeble crumbs seem absolutely insignificant compared to the buffet that seems to be waiting. Hell yeah. Lead me to that buffet! , eternaloptimism : Many of us here hope we find you (or at least the likes of you) ON THAT BUFFET once we are able to start dining freely again!* (*innuendo of "dining on you" entirely intended....) |
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Post by h on Oct 26, 2017 10:30:32 GMT -5
I'm not down on monogamy, per se. (I'm just down on my current one.) I was definitely raised with some pretty conservative ideas about sex. You know, the basic "only inside a marriage" thing. Now I just don't believe in that any more. To my amazement, I'm on the verge of advising my kids: "please DO have a bunch a sex in your twenties, and before you get engaged." I had VERY FEW sexual encounters before marriage. Now, I'm not saying "if I had had more sex before I met my wife I could have avoided the SM". Nor am I saying "if I had had more sex with my wife before I married here, I could have avoided the SM". But if I had had more sex before marriage, I think I could have detected that the marriage was head toward (or already in) a "sexless state", and that would have allowed me to start working on solutions, oh, a decade or more earlier. ---- Separately, IT IS NO SURPRISE THAT SO MANY HERE bend towards monogamy, as evidenced by the comments on this thread. After all: we stayed with it even through the disastrous years of sexlessness! The ones who are quicker to divorce were probably not in sexless marriages long enough to need, find, and participate in this forum. In my case, if I had been having sex with my W before we got married, I would DEFINITELY have prevented my SM. I would have figured out that she didn't really have any interest in sex and not asked her to marry me. It would have been a known fact prior to asking. I'm still leaning towards being in favor of monogamy but I don't think I would advise anyone to get married without having a sex life first. |
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peiguy
Junior Member
Posts: 26 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by peiguy on Nov 2, 2017 12:38:12 GMT -5
I always considered myself a big fan of monogamy and where a marriage is sexually functioning well its the way to go. But, what if the marriage is otherwise solid but the sex is broken? Yes, you can try to fix it, but what if a refuser is happy not having sex - wants it that way. What if you are great friends, kiss and snuggle, share a life and a bed, but she won't got beyond kissing and cuddling.
Thus, I have an open mind.
If I were young, marriage minded, shopping around [lol] for a wife e.g. dating and starting to get serious, maybe I'd want to have a discussion about a bunch of "what ifs".
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Post by greatcoastal on May 9, 2018 7:38:26 GMT -5
Without getting into too much detail here (I'll save that for a different place), I've attempted to dabble. I think a lot of it was needing something that was a polar opposite of my previous situation. There's a pretty active poly network in this area, and if I'd really, really tried, I probably could've gotten an introduction. However, what I've discovered after a summer of consensual non-manogomous dating, is I was definitely spreading myself too thin. When it comes to dating and relations, I've always been the "all-in" type, which meant that between maintaining the relationships, working, moving, and working on me, I was beginning to slip in all those areas. I still love the idea, and I think I still want to try it down the road, but for now, I want to get myself into a better place personally before I start adding even more layers of complexity. Maybe next summer I'll be in a place to try again. Summer is just around the corner, (my kids have 2 more weeks of school left) We/I would love to hear what place your finding yourself in? How is the divorce coming along? |
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Post by njsojourner on May 11, 2018 14:22:31 GMT -5
I have come to think that the societal pressure for monogamy is unfair to everyone. It puts pressure on each spouse to satisfy the other whether or not they are into it or desire it or even can physically handle it. An open marriage can be healthy and positive for both. I admit my views may be skewed by being in a sexless marriage, though no longer having a sexless life. I just wish we could go back in time and rewire ourselves and cultural values so there would be no stigma to having FWBs or multiple partners if that's what one desires. It would allow people to live more authentic and honest lives. Sex is good, sex is healthy, and sex is how we all got here. Though I believe monogamy is out dated I don't judge others who live that way--if it works for them, wonderful. It hasn't worked for me for a long while.
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Post by Apocrypha on May 11, 2018 15:37:38 GMT -5
I like a passionate sexual monogamous relationship for the practical reason that it reduces my chance of getting an std. When I was in a committed polyamorous relationship with two women, I had fewer partners than nearly ALL of the serial monogamists I and among the women I was dating had, across a year. There is a period in the 3 month lead up of casual dating that tends to be "open" without being declared, when one is single. |
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Post by Apocrypha on May 11, 2018 15:39:29 GMT -5
The fact that polyamory is not very common and not very well accepted in society, makes it harder to find suitable partners. And if you do find it, you either have to hide it or be open about it and face condemnation by others. Both options are a burden to some extend. Polyamory may not be accepted - but it is VERY common. Affairs are a non-transparent form of polyamory. |
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Post by nyartgal on May 12, 2018 13:25:50 GMT -5
I'd like to know how cagedtiger is faring too! When I got remarried my H and I decided we would have an "open" marriage with certain ground rules. No mutual friends, and no penetration. This idea was part serious (both of us a little scared of the idea of being with one person forever) and part in jest. It was a construct we needed psychologically at the time, and we never rescinded it. What's funny is that beside the fact that we have two small kids and virtually no free time, I don't think either of us have any desire whatsoever for others. We even joke about it. My H is turned on by the idea that I'm only his, in fact, and vice versa. Not only sexually, but we truly feel like no one gets us the way the other does, and there's really not much sexier than being understood and valued (and desired) for EXACTLY who you are at your core. Which isn't to say that casual relationships can't be a lot of fun! I'm not ruling out that either of us may find ourselves attracted to others, and maybe we will even act on it. But when it comes to the love part, unless something changes, I'm not worried. In other words, we are a million perfect monogamous---so far!! |
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