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Post by obobfla on Oct 9, 2017 20:17:44 GMT -5
I would love have one nice monagamous relationship with a woman. Like Caris, I would like to take relationships one at a time because it is easier to handle. I would also like to go without using condoms or risking STDs.
But that would be a luxury right now. I still have one sick wife. Having my wife incapacitated, I can see the wisdom nomads and frontiersmen who had more than one wife. I am going crazy trying to be a single parent, work, and keep up a clean house, let alone dealing with all the stress of my wife’s illness. I honestly believe that spouse who are caregivers should be free to have side pieces without any shame or guilt.
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Post by petrushka on Oct 9, 2017 20:42:28 GMT -5
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I have no problem at all loving several people passionately at the same time.
So long as it's out in the open, and the three or more people involved are on board with it. Total honesty and commitment
are absolutely essential for this to work.
The moment jealousy raises its ugly head, or if someone starts keeping secrets, things can get nasty.
But as you all know here, monogamy can get very nasty too, no matter how hard you try.
In the end it depends on *you*. What is your capacity to love, what is your desire, what do you consider the right
moral choice for you, do you think you can live the lifestyle, which means you're not with your 'main squeeze' all
day, every day?!?
Personally I'd like nothing better than live in a polyamorous community. Unfortunately I haven't had a lover for some
21 years or so, by now .... (sexless marriage for going on 15 of those).
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Post by petrushka on Oct 10, 2017 5:24:41 GMT -5
I enjoy the idea of non-monogamy. Seems I’ve come to learn that I have a lot to understand about me first though. I don’t really believe I could have a “good” non-monogamous relationship. I am very loyal, once attached to someone. I think I would be spreading my energy too thin to try with more than one person at once. Even if I managed to not feel cheated, then I would end up concerned about the one I was leaving out. I’m going to keep working on me for now. I’m not really even in the dating universe at this point. I’m trying to practice patience about it. That’s not easy for me. But I believe it will be worth it for me. Or - I sure hope so. Do not forget: you may think you'd be spreading yourself thin - but you'll also get fed by [several] people. If you choose well. For sure, having simultaneous relationships with several blood-sucking leeches would be a drain. Also: variety makes life more interesting. Including the sex. But also the social life, the range of activities you do with your lovers ... |
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 10, 2017 7:31:07 GMT -5
I would love have one nice monagamous relationship with a woman. Like Caris, I would like to take relationships one at a time because it is easier to handle. I would also like to go without using condoms or risking STDs. But that would be a luxury right now. I still have one sick wife. Having my wife incapacitated, I can see the wisdom nomads and frontiersmen who had more than one wife. I am going crazy trying to be a single parent, work, and keep up a clean house, let alone dealing with all the stress of my wife’s illness. I honestly believe that spouse who are caregivers should be free to have side pieces without any shame or guilt. I think what you are talking about is serial monogamy. It was what my generation practiced as we matured into adults. Perhaps you can remember those days carefree days. If your spouse were not ill and you were free to explore relationships with mature women I think you might find women in your age demographic are fairly open to non-marriage as the long term goal sex. It has been a pleasant surprise to discuss sex during the 1st meet for coffee or an adult beverage and to have my new female acquaintance openly state her likes. It's refreshing to get the game playing of "will we or won't we" off the table before deciding if there will be a 1st real date. No wasting time on a woman who has little interest in intimacy. I would agree with you that spouses in a long term care situation where intimacy isn't possible should be free to meet their needs elsewhere without the associated societal guilt trip. I think anyone in a SM should be able to have a FWB or AP, simply for the sake of meeting their innate need for intimacy and human touch. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 10, 2017 12:03:52 GMT -5
I enjoy the idea of non-monogamy. Seems I’ve come to learn that I have a lot to understand about me first though. I don’t really believe I could have a “good” non-monogamous relationship. I am very loyal, once attached to someone. I think I would be spreading my energy too thin to try with more than one person at once. Even if I managed to not feel cheated, then I would end up concerned about the one I was leaving out. I’m going to keep working on me for now. I’m not really even in the dating universe at this point. I’m trying to practice patience about it. That’s not easy for me. But I believe it will be worth it for me. Or - I sure hope so. Do not forget: you may think you'd be spreading yourself thin - but you'll also get fed by [several] people. If you choose well. For sure, having simultaneous relationships with several blood-sucking leeches would be a drain. Also: variety makes life more interesting. Including the sex. But also the social life, the range of activities you do with your lovers ... Can’t like this enough petrushka. There are some really valid points made about monogamy. But I’m so swaying towards Petushkas statement.... “Personally I'd like nothing better than live in a polyamorous community. “ with glee!!! This is an interesting read for anyone interested in how and why we became a monogamous society www.alternet.org/story/155904/why_is_monogamy_idealized_when_most_people_aren%27t_monogamous |
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Post by tamara68 on Oct 10, 2017 14:24:44 GMT -5
The fact that polyamory is not very common and not very well accepted in society, makes it harder to find suitable partners. And if you do find it, you either have to hide it or be open about it and face condemnation by others. Both options are a burden to some extend.
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Post by cagedtiger on Oct 10, 2017 14:39:37 GMT -5
Without getting into too much detail here (I'll save that for a different place), I've attempted to dabble. I think a lot of it was needing something that was a polar opposite of my previous situation. There's a pretty active poly network in this area, and if I'd really, really tried, I probably could've gotten an introduction.
However, what I've discovered after a summer of consensual non-manogomous dating, is I was definitely spreading myself too thin. When it comes to dating and relations, I've always been the "all-in" type, which meant that between maintaining the relationships, working, moving, and working on me, I was beginning to slip in all those areas.
I still love the idea, and I think I still want to try it down the road, but for now, I want to get myself into a better place personally before I start adding even more layers of complexity. Maybe next summer I'll be in a place to try again.
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Oct 15, 2017 23:49:38 GMT -5
I have given this a lot of thought in the past and also more recently as I meet different people and have contemplated affairs in the past year or so. If it makes any sense, I find it hard to disagree with any of the differing views posted here. While one partner would be ideal for all the practical reasons. I have found that maintaining multiple "connections" can be very gratifying if complex. Certainly a great deal of compatmentalization is essential and that without question can be emotionally draining. The need to be non-monagamous might have to do with the way we are wired or the various differing needs we feel. As I engaged in some emotional affairs over the course of the last year, I found I could be very sexually liberal with some people while not so much with others. Yet it seems that an emotionally in-depth relationship with those APs that I am most sexually compatible with, might seem to be a stretch for any number of reasons. Some APs I found needed contact throughout the day and I enjoyed the constant connection. While with others, we could go a number of days without contact and pick up the converstion again like time stood still. There was an AP I found so intellectually engaging that I could only handle it for a few days at a time lest I become consumed by the discussion. Some APs I really enjoyed talking to, could see myself being intimate in the sense of holding hands or embracing/kissing, but didnt feel overly sexual towards them. Just very strong feelings of "connectedness". What I do find is that meeting someone new who you have chemistry with can be intoxicating. And can provide validation if you feel you have been starved of it. This. Literally all of this. I do not think I could have conceptualized this any better. The balance and compartmentalizing as well as the pure satisfaction of varying degrees of closeness ...beautifully put. And all of us are so very starved. My feeble crumbs seem absolutely insignificant compared to the buffet that seems to be waiting. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2017 15:13:18 GMT -5
If I could have somebody I really want? If a man I wanted, wanted me enough to be monogamous with me? And if we were (and remained) sexually compatible? Absolutely.
Otherwise - I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket. I’m tired of wanting someone who doesn’t want me (having gone through it with Mr. Kat.) And I feel rebellious at the thought of going along with monogamy, and all the other stupid rules, if it’s a man I wasn’t that attracted to in the first place.
The guy I dated last winter wanted a serious, monogamous relationship before I had finished making up my mind about him. That didn’t end well.
When Mr. Kat and I first met, it was amazing how we seemed to want to go at the same pace. Not too fast, not too slow. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever get that lucky again.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 16, 2017 16:14:27 GMT -5
I have given this a lot of thought in the past and also more recently as I meet different people and have contemplated affairs in the past year or so. If it makes any sense, I find it hard to disagree with any of the differing views posted here. While one partner would be ideal for all the practical reasons. I have found that maintaining multiple "connections" can be very gratifying if complex. Certainly a great deal of compatmentalization is essential and that without question can be emotionally draining. The need to be non-monagamous might have to do with the way we are wired or the various differing needs we feel. As I engaged in some emotional affairs over the course of the last year, I found I could be very sexually liberal with some people while not so much with others. Yet it seems that an emotionally in-depth relationship with those APs that I am most sexually compatible with, might seem to be a stretch for any number of reasons. Some APs I found needed contact throughout the day and I enjoyed the constant connection. While with others, we could go a number of days without contact and pick up the converstion again like time stood still. There was an AP I found so intellectually engaging that I could only handle it for a few days at a time lest I become consumed by the discussion. Some APs I really enjoyed talking to, could see myself being intimate in the sense of holding hands or embracing/kissing, but didnt feel overly sexual towards them. Just very strong feelings of "connectedness". What I do find is that meeting someone new who you have chemistry with can be intoxicating. And can provide validation if you feel you have been starved of it. This. Literally all of this. I do not think I could have conceptualized this any better. The balance and compartmentalizing as well as the pure satisfaction of varying degrees of closeness ...beautifully put. And all of us are so very starved. My feeble crumbs seem absolutely insignificant compared to the buffet that seems to be waiting. Hell yeah. Lead me to that buffet! |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 16, 2017 16:21:47 GMT -5
If I could have somebody I really want? If a man I wanted, wanted me enough to be monogamous with me? And if we were (and remained) sexually compatible? Absolutely. Otherwise - I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket. I’m tired of wanting someone who doesn’t want me (having gone through it with Mr. Kat.) And I feel rebellious at the thought of going along with monogamy, and all the other stupid rules, if it’s a man I wasn’t that attracted to in the first place. The guy I dated last winter wanted a serious, monogamous relationship before I had finished making up my mind about him. That didn’t end well. When Mr. Kat and I first met, it was amazing how we seemed to want to go at the same pace. Not too fast, not too slow. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever get that lucky again. Agree with this SK. I DEFINITELY have a little bit of a rebellious feeling in me at the moment... like there is a beast about to be unleashed (15 days and counting!). The societal rules arent there to make us happy. They are to keep us on the wheel of bullshit lol! I too have not completely closed the door on monogamy. But holy crap... I will never ever settle. It won’t be a compromise because it will be right. For how ever long that rightness lasts. Thats not to say I’d ever expect a relationship to be hitch free. Far from it. But thats all good if the communication and desire to grow and become more and better are present in both parties. Ive got lots of experiences to have before I consider anything with commitment. Exciting times! |
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 21, 2017 7:04:40 GMT -5
Being still in my marriage, my take on monogamy is not straight forward.
As much as I can logically argue polyamory, at my heart, I am still monogamistic. I am polyamorous out of desperation. I want to develop deep meaningful relationships, but, even with one once established, I have to recognise that I cannot always be there to meet her needs, nor she mine.
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Post by WindSister on Oct 23, 2017 11:51:13 GMT -5
www.nytimes.com/2017/05/11/magazine/is-an-open-marriage-a-happier-marriage.htmlPhew. Try to give that a read. It's long. Real long. I guess I am fascinated by my own response to it all -- I find myself holding my breath through some of the stories with a feeling of such hurt in the pit of my stomach - betrayal? Maybe I fear betrayal too much to truly explore such a lifestyle. Too many thoughts to throw out there right now. Just wanted to share the article. One thought, though, is this "settling" notion because face reality, when we choose ONE person we are, in fact, settling. There is a fair amount of settling in that act and to think otherwise is to believe in fairy tales or delusion. Then it becomes a matter of priorities. In the article they talk about how couples can use jealous/insecurities to grow, evolve. One can do that in a monogamous relationship, too. Using that need for more, variety as a way to choose loyalty, faithfulness and "grow." (Enlightenment of some sort?). Choosing love for this partner and loyalty over a need for excitement, endorphins? I don't know.........just thoughts.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 23, 2017 13:58:50 GMT -5
So I had a plan. It was a good plan. It was the script that a newly-divorced guy is supposed to do.
I was supposed to hit as many dating sites as I could and bed as many women as I could to prove I still "had it".
Thank God I didn't do that. Look, I'm a hard-wired "relationship" kind of guy. I disagree with the old joke "they are all alike in the dark". If you're just looking to get laid, that's true. I just happened to luck into the love of my life as my SM wound down.
So I was spared following the script. I was spared essentially by luck, and I am so thankful for it. I've seen friends follow it and the aftermath can be pretty ugly.
So monogamy? Yup.
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 23, 2017 19:49:19 GMT -5
WindSister, the word that stands out in my mind is "committed". As in, how can I truly be committed to more than one person? Take an extreme... 100 people. It'd be hard to argue that you can be committed to all of them. So, clearly, spreading yourself thin diminishes your level of commitment. Though we might try to argue that it can be done in small numbers, I think that's just fooling ourselves. Some people don't care about commitment. I'm not one of them. Settling? Life is all about compromises. The trick is being happy with your decisions. The big house or the smaller mortgage. The easy job or the better career. Blonde, brunette, or redhead. (Ok, so maybe not everything is a compromise... ;-)
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