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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2017 9:24:09 GMT -5
I Said I Wanted To Take It Slow And He Disappeared www.bolde.com/said-wanted-take-slow-he-disappeared/?llid=vWXY6&utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=LiquidSocial&utm_campaign=ZVodOMG (and I almost never say OMG - so you know this one is good.) I could have written this article. Every word. I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me. I always get scared when a man seems to be in a hurry to get me locked down. I probably make it difficult for the men. On the one hand, this. OTOH, if I feel like they aren't really interested....that's bad, too. Do men always move very fast when they really want a woman? Is that just the way it is? I think I may have missed out on some good guys because they scared me. One reason things worked with my first husband (for a while, anyway) and with Mr. Kat, was because they could deal with my need to take it more slowly. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 7, 2017 9:50:56 GMT -5
"I want to take it slow" has different meanings. In your youth, it usually refers to sex. In college, you want to be able to date around. As an adult, she's not into you but you might be her best option and will keep you around until something better comes up.
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Post by wom360 on Oct 7, 2017 10:42:55 GMT -5
I’d pretty much ‘next’ any woman who wasn’t into me right away. I’m never going into a sexless mediocre relationship again. But that’s just me. Gun shy and looking for signs.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Oct 7, 2017 12:17:03 GMT -5
I am not sure where i fall on this. On one hand, i am not inclined to entertain someone who has no passionate interest in me. On the other hand, i have zero interest in immediately launching into a long term commitment.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 7, 2017 14:22:35 GMT -5
"Do men always move very fast when they really want a woman?"
I view it as a red flag signaling desperation, immaturity or a con artist.
Post sm lover, the love of my life, did not act desperate etc although I learned much later that he was bowled over by me on our first date and thought I was out of his league. If he had come on very strong, I would not have trusted him and would have fled.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2017 20:52:04 GMT -5
"Do men always move very fast when they really want a woman?" I view it as a red flag signaling desperation, immaturity or a con artist. Post sm lover, the love of my life, did not act desperate etc although I learned much later that he was bowled over by me on our first date and thought I was out of his league. If he had come on very strong, I would not have trusted him and would have fled. When a man tries to get me locked down too fast, I think I'm so busy feeling anxious that I don't even stop to analyze him and his possible reasons (evil bastard love-bombing me? Desperate guy w low self-esteem? Genuinely good guy who really fell for me? I'm too busy panicking to try to figure out which.) |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 7, 2017 21:38:17 GMT -5
Even a relatively good guy who tries to like me down too fast would be a problem because he would be needy and desperate and controlling. He also would be very impulsive. I think it takes more than one or two dates to know someone enough to fall in what I would consider love with them.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2017 22:09:14 GMT -5
Well, the main thing is that when a guy tries to rush me too fast, that ruins everything. Maybe because it really isn't good to go too fast. Or, maybe because I'm weird, something's wrong with me, and I get scared when things are moving too fast.
Either way, the end result is the same: when a guy tries to hurry me along, it ends badly. That's just a fact.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 8, 2017 8:10:30 GMT -5
Smartkat, a lot of times you virtually insist on pinning dysfunction on yourself when your reactions are reflecting good judgement or acknowledging your own needs.
If a guy tries to jump into a committed relationship immediately, your anxiety is a sign of good judgment, not weirdness. No one with good sense or maturity jumps into a committed relationship with someone you barely know. Life is not a fairytale. Of course you should feel anxious -- even anxious enough to completely sever ties if a guy you have just started dating is trying to pin you down.
The guys who do that tend to be one of the following: desperate, needy, liars or con artists planning on getting you to give them large "loans," control freaks who will progress to abusers. I have never heard of a situation that turned out well in which one partner pressured their partner into jumping into a commitment. Love and trust can't be forced or coerced.
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Post by Caris on Oct 8, 2017 11:41:16 GMT -5
"Do men always move very fast when they really want a woman?" I view it as a red flag signaling desperation, immaturity or a con artist. Post sm lover, the love of my life, did not act desperate etc although I learned much later that he was bowled over by me on our first date and thought I was out of his league. If he had come on very strong, I would not have trusted him and would have fled. I'm with northstarmom on this, @smartkat. Any guy who wants to rush you into something that you need to take more slowly sends up a red flag. Read any of those dating books, and it will tell you the same. A guy who is really into you will wait (not forever), but if he really likes you, he will respect your pace. If he doesn't, then he wasn't that into you, and he doesn't think you are worth the wait. Guys can get sex anywhere these days, at the drop of a hat. There are lines of women just wanting to "hook up" on dating sites, so if he's rushing you, and won't wait, he'll just move on to the next in line. This is your life. You make your own rules, and you go at your own pace. If he won't respect that...tough! He's not for you anyway, unless you just want him for sex. |
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Post by Caris on Oct 8, 2017 11:48:25 GMT -5
Smartkat, a lot of times you virtually insist on pinning dysfunction on yourself when your reactions are reflecting good judgement or acknowledging your own needs. If a guy tries to jump into a committed relationship immediately, your anxiety is a sign of good judgment, not weirdness. No one with good sense or maturity jumps into a committed relationship with someone you barely know. Life is not a fairytale. Of course you should feel anxious -- even anxious enough to completely sever ties if a guy you have just started dating is trying to pin you down. The guys who do that tend to be one of the following: desperate, needy, liars or con artists planning on getting you to give them large "loans," control freaks who will progress to abusers. I have never heard of a situation that turned out well in which one partner pressured their partner into jumping into a commitment. Love and trust can't be forced or coerced. Again, northstarmom, hits the nail on the head. Your reaction is healthy, @smartkat. Your feelings of anxiety when rushed are telling you that this isn't right for you. There is nothing wrong with you. Your feelings are protecting you by sending the message that things are moving too fast. Just listen, and know this is a good thing. |
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 8, 2017 12:19:33 GMT -5
Do men always move very fast when they really want a woman? Is that just the way it is? I think I may have missed out on some good guys because they scared me. I can see why a guy would want to fast-forward if he was smitten. But that same guy wouldn't run away if she says "pace yourself" unless he thought she was really saying "I'm not that into you". Intense hit-and-run sounds to me more like OCD+ADD and very superficial. Like maybe they're more chasing the idea and not the woman. So, I think if they ran away then you made the right call. Personally, I'm good with directness... "I think we have good chemistry and we could have some real potential, but I'm not comfortable with being smothered or moving too fast." That's something I can work with. But if it's a vague "we need to go slow" and not being very available for dates without understanding why, I'd conclude that she wasn't that into me or I was being positioned as a backup option. Life's too short to be vague. But I don't think it's a matter of @smartkat being too timid or afraid to speak up for herself. ;-) |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2017 12:24:08 GMT -5
It's true that my default is to assume I'm the one who screwed up.
But it's also true that I like to take my time and think about it. If this man is going to be an important part of my life and use up a huge chunk of my time and energy - I want to be very sure that I'll feel good in that situation. Mr. Kat and I dated for 2.5 years before we moved in together.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2017 12:27:47 GMT -5
And, I can remember a couple of times when there was really nothing wrong with the man; and in fact things might have worked out - if I hadn't gotten so anxious at the thought that this might be IT for the whole entire rest of my life.
When Mr. Kat and I were dating, the pace felt right to me. We were definitely a good match, and felt good together. But I didn't feel like he was trying to take over and run my whole life, either.
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Post by WindSister on Oct 9, 2017 10:08:14 GMT -5
I know this will come out simplistic and idealistic, but I believe it.
When it's right, it's right.
There's no guessing. There's game playing. There's no deep wondering about your next move, you get to be yourself and be accepted as yourself. The other person "gets" you.
It just hasn't been right with any of these men. None of them are right for you. I won't say none of them are "the one" because I do think there is more than "one" for us in this life/world -- BUT--- that's something that really helped me after countless horrible dates/semi-started relationships, etc. I just finally accepted "eh, none of these guys are it for me -- cut 'em loose, move on, never look back."
Cliche to say "When you meet someone right for you, you realize why it never worked out with the others." Something like that. But truth when you find it. Sorry. I know people don't like my simplistic messages. It's just what I experienced when I finally met my now-husband. But then, he is my one true love of this life. I didn't have anything even remotely close to him with my ex husband. I don't know if I lost my now-husband if I could find it again..... (if I am honest). I am sure I could find "companionship" - I sure I could find regular intimacy/sex, but yeah, not sure I could find THIS again.
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