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Post by M2G on Oct 5, 2017 11:29:25 GMT -5
Watching and participating here, and looking at myself - kinda looks like the same stages of grief as much as anything else.
denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance
I feel mired in the first three at one, but as for my actions I would say bargaining.
Where are you guys at?
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Post by h on Oct 5, 2017 11:39:50 GMT -5
Kind of seems out of the order that I experienced. I had denial, then depression, then bargaining, then anger, and I'm working towards acceptance. I didn't hit anger until after I got woken up by the membership here.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 5, 2017 13:16:58 GMT -5
The stages of grief are not necessarily a linear process. Most of the time nowadays, I'm in acceptance, but that's because I've gotten out. However, some days the old anger still bubbles up.
However, once out, bargaining seems to be moot as well as depression (over the SM).
But when I was in my SM? I was like an emotional pinata swinging around and getting smacked every day.
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Post by neonspace on Oct 5, 2017 14:54:44 GMT -5
I feel like depressed can be paired with any other choice depending where you're at. I know I'm depressed about it and mad as hell, yet have accepted it.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 5, 2017 15:01:25 GMT -5
Denial and bargaining for two decades. I was in the anger stage when I first found this site. It is not the only sexless marriage site, but it has the best people with the best insights.
I am at acceptance, now. My time table may vary as the situation changes, but I know what I am dealing with and will take responsibility for my actions.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2017 16:13:17 GMT -5
I think my crazy love for him made me stay in denial till this year. Now I’m with anger mixed with depression.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2017 17:35:25 GMT -5
It took me a long time to get beyond denial, and bargaining and anger came in reverse order, so to speak. I don't think I ever fell into depression. I was sad at times, of course.
I accept my relationship for what it is. It's kind of weird how it works for us. But it does. I like weird, and I'm good with that.
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Post by brian on Oct 5, 2017 20:05:43 GMT -5
I have totally accepted things as they are. I even have fun with it at times. That might sound cruel, and it probably is, but I approach my roomie from time to time with things merely to humor myself with her response. For instance, yesterday morning after the kids were off to school, she took a shower. I decided to join her, so I got naked and jumped in our built-for-two shower. I wasn't aroused. The look of fear and panic on her face amused me. She said she was scared of what I might do... whatever. I got exactly what I was after, a scared rabbit with nowhere to go. I washed most of her body, carefully avoiding any area that might remotely be considered intimate. I didn't care to touch her there anyway.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 5, 2017 20:48:41 GMT -5
That is funny. I love your dark sense of humor, brian. I will never accept things the way they are. I just accept her being the way she is. I can make other adjustments to my life to make up for that. |
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Post by baza on Oct 5, 2017 21:58:26 GMT -5
I had best disclose here that as of 26th Oct 2017 I will have been out of my ILIASM deal for 8 years,
And, also of relevance would be that my ex missus died in 2015.
I voted "acceptance", and these days I can also add on "without resentment".
Time gave me the "acceptance" part of the deal.
The "without resentment" part of it required some pretty brutal self examination over quite some time.
The first 4 stages I more or less dealt with whilst still in the marriage.
"Acceptance" (with a bucket load of resentment) came pretty readily to me as my marriage wound down.
Offloading most of the resentment took probably 2 years, but there was still residual resentment (not a lot, but some) that probably took another couple of years.
I feel that I have now accepted without resentment, but I dunno that you ever get completely 100% to that point. I'd say I am at 95%, and I am more than happy with that. Acceptance without resentment is very freeing.
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Post by M2G on Oct 5, 2017 22:29:28 GMT -5
Kind of seems out of the order that I experienced. I had denial, then depression, then bargaining, then anger, and I'm working towards acceptance. I didn't hit anger until after I got woken up by the membership here. Honestly I just did a google search, and took the order on the first one I found. Honesty too, my emotions are all over the place since I got here ( in a good way). |
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Post by M2G on Oct 5, 2017 22:44:08 GMT -5
That is funny. I love your dark sense of humor, brian . I will never accept things the way they are. I just accept her being the way she is. I can make other adjustments to my life to make up for that. I hear that. Also made a decision today. I'm done asking, and I'm done attempting to initiate. Not worth it. Makes me feel like a jackass. Started working out again about 4 weeks ago. She can care or not. Maybe someone else will, though i'm not seeking that. Also thinking about moving to my own bedroom. She's nice, she's kind, we aren't fighting, but marriage is supposed to be a little more <ehem> Like I said in another thread as well, I'm still all over the map with this. |
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Post by brian on Oct 6, 2017 5:41:58 GMT -5
That is funny. I love your dark sense of humor, brian. I will never accept things the way they are. I just accept her being the way she is. I can make other adjustments to my life to make up for that. Oh... believe me, I am making adjustments elsewhere. I make no secret to my roomie that if the opportunity presents itself with another woman, I AM taking that opportunity. And I actively work on making those opportunities present themselves. Encounter with roomie last night... as she was unpacking her suitcase from her trip, I asked her to come to bed. She was quite put out by that because, in her words, "You might want favors of a sexual nature." I just told her to come to bed and hold my hand. She did the first, not the second. I suppose this means that all of her texting about me being worth it and that she would try to fix things was just hogwash, as I knew they were when she said them. But I have laid it all out for her. She knows the emotional journey I have been on and where I am at, so my conscience is clear there. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 6, 2017 6:32:57 GMT -5
I had best disclose here that as of 26th Oct 2017 I will have been out of my ILIASM deal for 8 years, And, also of relevance would be that my ex missus died in 2015. I voted "acceptance", and these days I can also add on "without resentment". Time gave me the "acceptance" part of the deal. The "without resentment" part of it required some pretty brutal self examination over quite some time. The first 4 stages I more or less dealt with whilst still in the marriage. "Acceptance" (with a bucket load of resentment) came pretty readily to me as my marriage wound down. Offloading most of the resentment took probably 2 years, but there was still residual resentment (not a lot, but some) that probably took another couple of years. I feel that I have now accepted without resentment, but I dunno that you ever get completely 100% to that point. I'd say I am at 95%, and I am more than happy with that. Acceptance without resentment is very freeing. As my marriage generally gets better. I'm still dealing with the resentment for what she did to me and the marriage. While I can praise her for the changes she has made, the little voice in my head says for the 10 years of marriage she did things to make me feel like shit and 5 years of a living hell. Also, the period of honeymoon sex is over, we are down to 5 times in the past 4 weeks.  That's not acceptable to me. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 6, 2017 6:52:53 GMT -5
As my marriage generally gets better. I'm still dealing with the resentment for what she did to me and the marriage. While I can praise her for the changes she has made, the little voice in my head says for the 10 years of marriage she did things to make me feel like shit and 5 years of a living hell. Also, the period of honeymoon sex is over, we are down to 5 times in the past 4 weeks. That's not acceptable to me. This post looks like what most of us have seen oh so many times here. A period of intimacy and seeming to have turned a page in their understanding of what the love and cherish part of a marriage has as part of the components. Then either a slow diminishing or often a rapid reversal of the new dynamic to what it was before. I hope that isn't what's happening for you. Maybe if you once again hold her feet to the fire she will put a bit more effort into making time for sex. But don't be surprised that she keeps reverting back to the person she really is. It's just human nature. |
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