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Post by brian on Oct 5, 2017 7:42:31 GMT -5
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Post by brian on Oct 5, 2017 7:43:34 GMT -5
FWIW, I find #9 interesting if you take that into the world of intimacy/sex.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 5, 2017 8:19:53 GMT -5
"12 Things That Marriage Is:
1. Marriage is the potential for an intense, deep and diverse intimacy. Sexual. Emotional. Relational."
It looks like #1 in what marriage is does take into account the sexual aspect. My bet is my refuser would read right over some key words without a single thought.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 5, 2017 8:28:11 GMT -5
"9. Marriage is not a 24-hour repair shop. Your marital partner is not supposed to meet your every need. Some of those needs you may have to take care of yourself. Through your friendships or other activities." If I remember properly, it was mrslowmaintenance that said something like sex being like a home improvement project, and that if the spouse did not want to help they should not be upset if a friend came over to help. The sad thing is, when it comes to sexual activity, society still sees that it is your one spouse that is to take care of every need, unless they don't meet that need, which society seems to have no trouble with. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 5, 2017 10:56:26 GMT -5
"12 Things That Marriage Is: 1. Marriage is the potential for an intense, deep and diverse intimacy. Sexual. Emotional. Relational." It looks like #1 in what marriage is does take into account the sexual aspect. My bet is my refuser would read right over some key words without a single thought. Our spouses only read stuff like that when they can twist and conform it to suit there agenda. I remember several years ago finding my W reading the book "Boundaries". I asked her " what are you reading? she said, " It's called Boundaries" I asked, "and what does it say?" She responded, " It's teaching me how to say no". (HAHAHAHAHAHA) I was rolling with hateful laughter inside!!!! I responded, "MMMhhm". Thinking to myself, you've been an expert at saying NO for decades!!" Ironically the book "Boundaries in Marriage" Begins in chapter one with a clear definition of a " manipulative controller" and how they will run over your boundaries like a tank!.......She read right over those parts!! |
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 5, 2017 17:27:47 GMT -5
"12 Things That Marriage Is: 1. Marriage is the potential for an intense, deep and diverse intimacy. Sexual. Emotional. Relational." It looks like #1 in what marriage is does take into account the sexual aspect. My bet is my refuser would read right over some key words without a single thought. Our spouses only read stuff like that when they can twist and conform it to suit there agenda. I remember several years ago finding my W reading the book "Boundaries". I asked her " what are you reading? she said, " It's called Boundaries" I asked, "and what does it say?" She responded, " It's teaching me how to say no". (HAHAHAHAHAHA) I was rolling with hateful laughter inside!!!! I responded, "MMMhhm". Thinking to myself, you've been an expert at saying NO for decades!!" Ironically the book "Boundaries in Marriage" Begins in chapter one with a clear definition of a " manipulative controller" and how they will run over your boundaries like a tank!.......She read right over those parts!! My wife also read the boundaries books. One thing that was a boundary for her was that I was home on time, which might have been feasible if my job had an actual quitting time. If I was one minute later than what she chose, she'd leave the house for the evening with our infant and no way to contact her. Our company was in hard times. I was under stress. She didn't give a shit. That was her boundary. One day, I came home early and told her I'd never come home late from there again. It took a minute for her to work through that, then she went into the bedroom and cried. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 5, 2017 20:03:59 GMT -5
Our spouses only read stuff like that when they can twist and conform it to suit there agenda. I remember several years ago finding my W reading the book "Boundaries". I asked her " what are you reading? she said, " It's called Boundaries" I asked, "and what does it say?" She responded, " It's teaching me how to say no". (HAHAHAHAHAHA) I was rolling with hateful laughter inside!!!! I responded, "MMMhhm". Thinking to myself, you've been an expert at saying NO for decades!!" Ironically the book "Boundaries in Marriage" Begins in chapter one with a clear definition of a " manipulative controller" and how they will run over your boundaries like a tank!.......She read right over those parts!! My wife also read the boundaries books. One thing that was a boundary for her was that I was home on time, which might have been feasible if my job had an actual quitting time. If I was one minute later than what she chose, she'd leave the house for the evening with our infant and no way to contact her. Our company was in hard times. I was under stress. She didn't give a shit. That was her boundary. One day, I came home early and told her I'd never come home late from there again. It took a minute for her to work through that, then she went into the bedroom and cried. I read this today: 10 things every husband wants to hear. 1) You are an awesome man of God. 2) Thanks for being dependable. 3) I Missed You. 4) I'm glad I married you. 5)I appreciate all you do for our family. 6) You where right. I was wrong. 7)I feel safe with you. 8)I admire you. 9)I value your leadership. 10) I believe in you. I read these things and my mind tells me , instantly," You have been rejected for so many years, you have been told "NO" to so much of your leadership, you have been mislead, used and lied to for so many years, you have had your kindness and good nature abused for so many years......that you would have ZERO trust.... ZERO TRUST!!! if these words where ever spoken by my wife to me. Hence the divorce. yet their are plenty of other people in my life -past and present- who have ,and would say such things about me. That gives me enough drive to move forward. www.beliefnet.com/love-family/galleries/10-things-every-husband-wants-to-hear.aspx? |
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 5, 2017 20:57:36 GMT -5
I read this today: 10 things every husband wants to hear. 1) You are an awesome man of God. 2) Thanks for being dependable. 3) I Missed You. 4) I'm glad I married you. 5)I appreciate all you do for our family. 6) You where right. I was wrong. 7)I feel safe with you. 8)I admire you. 9)I value your leadership. 10) I believe in you. 11) Thank you for being an amazing provider. I'd be bowled over if I heard any of these. Even just a sincere "thank you" for any task more significant than a cup of coffee. |
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Post by M2G on Oct 7, 2017 0:22:26 GMT -5
LMFAO.
I get most of that, except "awesome man of God" which would freak me out, and I give back in kind, yet here a sit on the iliasm forum on my tablet alone in bed in the dark, with the cats.
No offence,of course - it's been great exchanging ideas with everyone and I appreciate everyone here.
Words. Just words.
I'd feel better if she called me a worthless pics of shit, a loser, and a dipshit - then pushed me down and fucked me into hamburger.
What? You think i'm joking?
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 7, 2017 9:51:16 GMT -5
LMFAO... I'd feel better if she called me a worthless pics of shit, a loser, and a dipshit - then pushed me down and fucked me into hamburger. What? You think i'm joking? That's not a joke to me, except the thought my W could ever pull off the second half of the fantasy. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Oct 7, 2017 12:11:56 GMT -5
I read this today: 10 things every husband wants to hear. 1) You are an awesome man of God. 2) Thanks for being dependable. 3) I Missed You. 4) I'm glad I married you. 5)I appreciate all you do for our family. 6) You where right. I was wrong. 7)I feel safe with you. 8)I admire you. 9)I value your leadership. 10) I believe in you. 11) Thank you for being an amazing provider. I'd be bowled over if I heard any of these. Even just a sincere "thank you" for any task more significant than a cup of coffee. Never heard one of these. Ever. Amusing the shit we are willing to put up with. As for boundaries, my stbx can set them, but doesn't seem to accept that anyone else should have any. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 9, 2017 2:53:39 GMT -5
I read this today: 10 things every husband wants to hear. 1) You are an awesome man of God. 2) Thanks for being dependable. 3) I Missed You. 4) I'm glad I married you. 5)I appreciate all you do for our family. 6) You where right. I was wrong. 7)I feel safe with you. 8)I admire you. 9)I value your leadership. 10) I believe in you. 11) Thank you for being an amazing provider. I'd be bowled over if I heard any of these. Even just a sincere "thank you" for any task more significant than a cup of coffee. 12. Your dick feels amazing. I want to fall asleep feeling it inside me. W used to say that all the time in the beginning. |
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Post by h on Oct 9, 2017 5:02:06 GMT -5
11) Thank you for being an amazing provider. I'd be bowled over if I heard any of these. Even just a sincere "thank you" for any task more significant than a cup of coffee. 12. Your dick feels amazing. I want to fall asleep feeling it inside me. W used to say that all the time in the beginning. I have heard "I miss you" if we're apart overnight but that's the only one. Never heard W say any of the other ones. |
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Post by lwoetin on Oct 9, 2017 7:54:43 GMT -5
FWIW, I find #9 interesting if you take that into the world of intimacy/sex. This item is what I had trouble most with. Most important for me from isn't list is #1. For is list, #6. Marriage is probably the hardest challenge in my life so far, and she thinks the gray strands are due to children, etc. I like marital counselor's list. That's 24 for me and 24 for her, so 48 items to realize to sustain a happy marriage. Fortunately there is football and I'm not a Jets nor Browns fan. |
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Post by WindSister on Oct 9, 2017 10:42:16 GMT -5
9. Marriage is not a 24-hour repair shop. Your marital partner is not supposed to meet your every need. Some of those needs you may have to take care of yourself. Through your friendships or other activities.
~~~~~~~~
I am no longer in a Sexless Marriage, and our sex life is satisfying to me and him (from our conversations about it). But we are in year 2 now and I see us both finally kind of evolving into this fact of #9. Up to this point we have been inseparable, what I would say "alone together" in the world, but now I feel us naturally (without it being a threat to our marriage) reaching out for other things. It's healthy and we are equally doing it, I just find it interesting to witness as we evolve in our relationship together.
As we evolve and grow together and the "red hot fire" and "thrill of new" wears off (this is why I stick around, because it does tone down and then the "work" part comes into play), but anyway, as we evolve, I have to agree with the 12 things Marriage IS. The list made me smile.
When I look at those lists thinking about my ex husband, yeah -- we just didn't jive together and never did, not even in year "one."
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