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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 6, 2017 7:38:22 GMT -5
Kat - I suggest a book: The Sweet Potato Queens’ Guide to Love. By Jill Browne (don’t know if really has an “e” on the end)
Great advice, delivered humorously - so: a good read.
But the advice that has rang in my head since reading it (over 15 yrs ago) is: Stay particular!
I don’t think being hard to please is actually picky. My therapist would call it a self-respecting boundary.
Stay particular, sister.
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Post by Caris on Oct 6, 2017 11:32:06 GMT -5
What's "ghosting?" I can't bring myself to date anyone, but I don't think I could date someone I don't like. That would be seeing someone because I'm lonely, which I am, but I think I'd rather be lonely than do that. It would be boring. I date, but I guess I'm just too picky. Kat, you are not TOO picky. You are setting your standards for what you want in a partner. That is healthy. I am the same, in fact I'm so "picky" that I only come across a guy I'm "in tune with" every so many years or decades, and even then, he may not be available for a relationship with me, so my chances of finding a guy on my page is very low indeed. Given that my standards and boundaries are much higher now I've experienced an abusive SM, that makes the chances even more remote because what I tolerated in the past, I no longer tolerate. Being alone without deep human connection and companionship is not a picnic, as I'm sure you know. Every birthday, every Christmas, every holiday spent alone is depressing (and no, spending these dates with strangers making small talk does not appeal to me, I'd rather be alone), so in that sense it's not condusive to good mental and emotional health, but without a compatible companion, there is no choice but to be alone, but I think that is better than being with someone we don't want to be with. It's soul destroying, then again so is loneliness, so it's about choosing our own poison. |
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Post by Caris on Oct 6, 2017 11:38:22 GMT -5
" I can't bring myself to date anyone, but I don't think I could date someone I don't like. " That's a healthy attitude. If one doesn't like someone, there would be no point in dating them. Dating is supposed to be fun not an exercise in endurance. Most of us went through an exercise in endurance in our marriages. Note to Kat, you say, "maybe I'm too picky." I say, "maybe you haven't found the right man." Your not finding s man who is a good match doesn't mean something is wrong with you. Presumably, before Mr Kat became an addict you didn't have to force yourself to be with him. Very well said. It would be a soul destroying exercise in endurance, however, loneliness is also a soul destroying exercise in endurance, but I choose the latter because out of the two choices, it's the better one for me. Having to pretend I like someone, and spending time with that person would drain me of vital energy more than being alone. It's also not fair to either one of us. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2017 16:34:45 GMT -5
Thank you, northstarmom, GeekGoddess, and Caris. You all said things I need to hear. If all I wanted was to be in a relationship - ANY relationship - even if I wasn't into the guy and had to force myself through the whole thing - I could have had that by now. Remember how I spent last winter worrying about that man I was dating who seemed to be crazy about me - but I just could not get on the same page with him? Honestly, I'd rather stay single than get into a relationship like that. I can honestly say I am 100% sure about that. Good relationship > alone > bad relationship. |
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Post by Caris on Oct 8, 2017 11:30:37 GMT -5
@smartkat, Good for you, Kat. I'd rather be alone too, than be with someone just for the sake of being with someone. 🤗
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 9, 2017 4:51:24 GMT -5
This is an interesting insight. With me, I default to not liking people. Not just dating but in general. Its all very cordial of course and I dont think Im an asshole until I am. As I get to know someone, it nice to know that I was wrong about them in the begnning. And if I never do like them, there is no disappointment. Im sure there is a label for this. Someone please enlighten me. |
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Post by elkclan2 on Oct 31, 2017 3:17:12 GMT -5
Sorry - I should have said that by like I mean - like like - the guy I'm currently seeing, I knew I'd like him as a person and I before we met in person I remember thinking "Please let there be a spark, but if there isn't a spark, then I want to have a friendship with this guy." I generally platonically like or at least not dislike most people and can enjoy myself in most people's company, even fairly objectionable people.
But I quickly made up my mind on most dates that I wanted to be with someone or not. There were a couple of guys that I wasn't sure about and had a couple of dates with. Because I had a FWB, I never slept with anyone out of horniness and the only guy I had sex with from dating post SM is that man that I am with. And I knew by the end of the first date that I really, really wanted to have sex with him and it took a lot to NOT have sex with him on the first date. (In fact, I deliberately left my house super messy so I would be too ashamed to invite him back.) But we agreed to have a second date the next night and, perhaps rashly, the next morning I invited him to dinner at my house, imagining we'd have sex after eating. But supper was served late and lukewarm. I just knew I would have sex with him.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2017 8:50:36 GMT -5
Sorry - I should have said that by like I mean - like like - the guy I'm currently seeing, I knew I'd like him as a person and I before we met in person I remember thinking "Please let there be a spark, but if there isn't a spark, then I want to have a friendship with this guy." I generally platonically like or at least not dislike most people and can enjoy myself in most people's company, even fairly objectionable people. But I quickly made up my mind on most dates that I wanted to be with someone or not. There were a couple of guys that I wasn't sure about and had a couple of dates with. Because I had a FWB, I never slept with anyone out of horniness and the only guy I had sex with from dating post SM is that man that I am with. And I knew by the end of the first date that I really, really wanted to have sex with him and it took a lot to NOT have sex with him on the first date. (In fact, I deliberately left my house super messy so I would be too ashamed to invite him back.) But we agreed to have a second date the next night and, perhaps rashly, the next morning I invited him to dinner at my house, imagining we'd have sex after eating. But supper was served late and lukewarm. I just knew I would have sex with him. That’s the kind of thing I’ve been hoping would happen for me! |
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