Thanks
Caris I agree with you, I think that letting go of anger and resentment is essential if any of us are to find peace in ourselves.
We can only ever be responsible for our own behaviour; our spouse is the only person responsible for theirs. They are who they choose to be and we can /could never change them. For me that was an important thing to realise.
Knowing that my wife was as she was and that there was nothing I could do about it helped my anger towards her to fade away. I was still determined to leave her but I wasn't going to be angry at her or resentful of her in the meantime.
Being angry and resentful towards someone doesn't affect that other person; all that happens is that the anger and resentment corrode the spirit of the person who harbours them.
I have a story in some ways similar to yours; in late 2015 my father, who had early stage dementia, went into hospital. We had never got on, he had always been difficult; to share the load of hospital visiting my brother and I went to see him on alternate days. On a Thursday night I went to see him and he spent an hour and a half being vile to me - all his usual tricks - emotional blackmail, spitefulness, belittling me etc. I could have been angry and resentful of everything that had gone on for years before, I could have 'told him a few home truths' and / or stormed out but what was the point? Instead I smiled and patiently chatted to him.
As I left I said 'Bye' and told him that I'd see him on Saturday evening. On Saturday morning I got a call from the hospital telling me to get there quickly. When we got there he was already unconscious and died 15 hours later.
To this day I am grateful that I chose to behave as I did the last time we ever spoke.
Now, I live separately from my wife and I am very happy. For me, I think that a large part of the reason for this is that I have let go of my anger and resentment - they no longer have a hold on me.
Regrets I have aplenty - marrying her, staying with her for half my life etc. but they were my choices - foolish choices to be sure but my choices not hers. I can't be angry at her for my choices
