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Post by merrygoround on Sept 19, 2017 0:12:28 GMT -5
Throwing this out to the group, please for advice....for those of you who don't know me, divorced from my refuser earlier in the summer, moved back to my home country and into my parents house. I left with a suitcase and nothing more. I didn't even have money for a bottle of water on the plane. He took me off the joint account over a week before my flight and took back my bank card and knows I never had cash in my purse. The house was signed over to him and eventually, when another property sells I will receive some financial "settlement". I jumped ship and got a job. My three adult kids are still living with him as they're in full time education still.
He's still apparently going on about how fast the divorce happened....erm nope. Leading up to that point took bloody years -the only reason the divorce was so fast was the fact that it was uncontested and everything was signed over to him - and financially he didn't want to pay any tax on my earnings. It also meant that I was never going to claim any alimony or pension. No problem. I'd had enough and needed to go before it finally killed me. And then I got the truth from him. He lost desire for me over 18 years ago.... whatever , moving on.
Forward to now.....in a wonderful relationship with someone from here. Finally feeling what love and a proper relationship is meant to feel like and yes, it's serious! He's going through his process but we know we will be together. It's time to face my kids and tell them. Why am I so worried? I've been reading that when something becomes serious then that is the time to approach the subject and not simply parade a string of dates in front of them. They are all young adults. Two of them know the full truth of the SM, one of them I think probably has a fair idea. Still, I have never badmouthed their father to them. The one comment I had from one son was "Jesus mum he's a dick, you should have left him years ago. You're a beautiful, intelligent and lovely woman who deserves to be happy". Wow. I raised a good one there lol
It's just it feels like the last big hurdle. I'm really happy and want to live free finally. I've always been open with them and it's just knowing how to approach this with them , considering the physical distance between us.
Any comments/advice from you wonderful people here ? xx
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Post by lwoetin on Sept 19, 2017 2:58:01 GMT -5
I don't have an advice regarding the kids. But I do want to congratulate you in leaving your dead marriage and finding love again in your life. Good luck talking with your adult kids!
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Post by baza on Sept 19, 2017 4:31:08 GMT -5
Opinion. This reveal is best conducted on your turf, at a time of your choosing. And the reveal will cover a number of subjects, like your new job, how you like living where you now are, and other conversational subjects. You might maneuver the conversation around into a segue into mentioning your new beau, perhaps hinting that you are "seeing someone" and are pretty happy without giving up a whole lot of detail. You might mention that you think the relationship has legs. Dunno that I would go a real lot further than that, initially at least. Also, given how you have successfully followed your instincts in this process so far, there is very very strong evidence that you can trust your instincts in talking with the kids. There's been nothing you've mentioned so far to suggest you've been getting any pushback from your kids to this point, so this may well go far more smoothly than you might be thinking Sister merrygoround . |
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 19, 2017 6:24:09 GMT -5
I think it's great you are telling your kids and sharing your good news with them. One thing I always say is our children want us to be happy the same way we want them to be happy.
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 19, 2017 21:31:43 GMT -5
merrygoround, sometime before an engagement would help ease the shock. ;-) I'd say, let it unfold naturally, unless there's just no prospect of casual interaction. (Like, your kids never come to visit, or vice versa.) Post enough pics together on Facebook/whatever, and they'll start to get the hint. Or... "I'm seeing this really great guy, and I look forward to you meeting him sometime." And... while I applaud your conviction to escape at all costs... good gravy, he got an unjust reward for his bad behavior!
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Post by obobfla on Sept 19, 2017 21:38:25 GMT -5
I can only echo bballgirl . If you are happy with your new relationship, your kids will be happy too, |
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Post by merrygoround on Sept 20, 2017 0:33:57 GMT -5
Thank you all for your kind replies. It's literally the one thing I'm concerned about now. But once that's out of the way and they get accustomed to the idea, then it will be such a relief.
I never want to hide anything from them and we have are very open and have great communication so I know I will be facing quite a few probing questions!
Thank you all again xx
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Post by merrygoround on Sept 20, 2017 0:36:16 GMT -5
merrygoround, sometime before an engagement would help ease the shock. ;-) I'd say, let it unfold naturally, unless there's just no prospect of casual interaction. (Like, your kids never come to visit, or vice versa.) Post enough pics together on Facebook/whatever, and they'll start to get the hint. Or... "I'm seeing this really great guy, and I look forward to you meeting him sometime." And... while I applaud your conviction to escape at all costs... good gravy, he got an unjust reward for his bad behavior! Hahaha! Oh well, I've got three amazing kids out of it and my reward is happiness finally! Xx |
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Post by Caris on Sept 22, 2017 15:57:23 GMT -5
First, congratulations on finding your new love. My best wishes to you both. Second, I agree with Baz, DC, and the others. I think your kids will be happy for you, so it probably feels worse than the reality. I like Baz's idea about going slowly, and not revealing everything at once. Just let it happen naturally. Good luck! The hard part is over, and you did it.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 6, 2017 8:40:03 GMT -5
So ballofconfusion and I had a very similar situation. Her kids are a range of ages (22, 19, 18, 16). My kids are 16 (almost 17) and 13. After meeting a number of times in person, we realized that this thing had legs. We have 6 more flights already booked, and had discussed how to have the conversation with the kids. During one of our visits, she flew to Houston during Hurricane Harvey and got stuck here (she lives in California). Her flight was obviously delayed, and we couldn't get her back home before it was her time to have the kids. So she had the joy of telling the kids and her ex at the same time. The kids took it well and were pretty supportive. After this, she put a picture of the two of us on the southern California beach on her night stand. I'm slowly being incorporated into the mix. We have a trip scheduled in January to the east coast where her oldest two boys go to college and I will meet them then. They are looking forward to it. With the hurricane, I didn't have to let the kids know why I was out of town, but I chose to. I started off by letting them know I was out of town because I was driving a friend to Dallas to catch HER flight that she would be missing in Houston. I let it lie there and I'm pretty sure my 16 year old read between the lines. I really didn't know / care what my ex thought about me dating post-divorce. She is my ex. But I did care greatly about the kids. Maybe a week or so later I told them that I was dating. Not many details, but wanted to explain to them why I was going to be out of town so often. The reaction of the kids was neutral. I think my daughter was more irked that I was going to California all the time and not bringing her. Shortly after, I put a photo of just my lady on my nightstand. Two weeks ago, we went to the U2 concert in San Diego and I posted a photo of the two of us (the one on my T-minus thread) on Instagram. At this point, I got comments from friends and family, overwhelming positive. From the kids, crickets. And that's OK. They are younger, and this will take time. Also, there is no rush. Over spring break, I am thinking of flying myself and the kids out to California to drive down the Pacific coast. We will probably have dinner or something along those lines with ballofconfusion . It will be a low stress introduction after (or maybe before) a long road trip. It seems to be a good fit. As they get older, I will explain more about the pitfalls the befell Mom and Dad in the hopes they can avoid them in their lives. But in the case of my lady and I, we have resisted the temptation to shout our happiness from the rooftops in the interest of gradually bringing our kids into this. We are in love with each other. There is plenty of time. There is no hurry. This worked for us. Hope that helps! |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2017 14:00:07 GMT -5
"Jesus mum he's a dick, you should have left him years ago. You're a beautiful, intelligent and lovely woman who deserves to be happy". Wow. I raised a good one there lol I am very very happy for you. I have no idea how or when I will introduce Kimmie to my daughters. I talked to my sister about it, and she says it is better to wait until the divorce is final. I don't know how to bring it up or when the best time will be. Her 11 year old son is another story entirely. For quite a while, when I would spend the night at her house, I would sleep in the extra bedroom and she would come see me while he was asleep. Then one Friday night the three of us were watching TV, and we all fell asleep & were there all night. The next night, he had a friend for a sleepover. We were in her room watching TV, and he came in & told us to go to sleep. I started to go to the other bedroom & he told me to stay in there because they might need something from the extra bedroom. So he was actually telling us to sleep together, LOL! So now when I am there, I sleep with her & sometimes he will come get in bed with us in the night on her side of the bed. It is really pretty funny. |
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Post by merrygoround on Oct 7, 2017 2:13:33 GMT -5
Hmmm well it isn't going too well. I think it is a combination of things really, which is not helped one little bit by the fact we are in different countries.
You see, phone calls and video chats can be quite difficult at times due to me generally getting quite tearful when speaking to them. I only have to look at their gorgeous faces and how much i miss them hits me like a truck. I have made progress though - I have managed (mostly) to get to the end of a conversation with them, end the call and THEN break down lol
But since I have told them about me starting to date again, now I know it "has legs" , it has deteriorated.
Firstly daughter made a comment to me " so what's it like mum, being an independent woman, doing what you like whenever you like it, working, spending money as you wish?".
My reply "it's great thanks but you are aware I live in my parents' spare room and it can be a bit of a panic getting to the end of the month with only forty quid in the bank account". Trying not to be sarky,but it's truthful.
Phone calls and video chats have since become awkward. I tried to put down in a written message that I hoped it was something we could work on as I desperately miss them and love them so much. Their main comment it that it was such an adjustment for them and just too soon, now with me seeing someone.
I told them I would give them some space, again repeating how much I loved them am still their mother and they are always my priority.
I haven't heard from them in a few days now.
But they're busy - college, uni, studying, friends etc. I get it.
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Post by baza on Oct 7, 2017 4:28:21 GMT -5
This is probably going to come across as glib Sister merrygoround , but time is now your friend (unlike when you are in the ILIASM spin dryer) At least one of your kids appears to be onside (based on your original post in this thread) and I truly think the others will follow. In their own way. At their own pace. My personal experience (with two boys) was that the eldest - a fairly empathic person in his early 20s at the time - took a pretty rounded view of my deal with Ms enna. The younger one - late teens and a more judgey type of outlook - took the best part of a year to come to terms with it all. All I did was keep the door open and left them to make their own choices about what they did. I still saw them - on their turf and by myself - about every 6 weeks or so. Once they met Ms enna (and this wasn't until nearly a year after I left) things worked out pretty well. I reckon the relationships between you and your kids will find its' own level, but that won't be "tomorrow". |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 7, 2017 6:31:13 GMT -5
merrygoroundOne HUGE help being with ballofconfusion has been for me is watching her with her kids and listening to the wisdom she has. This wisdom can only come from having kids a few years further down the path than mine. One thing she has helped me understand is that if the kids are being difficult it is not necessarily because of the divorce. It is natural to assume that every time you have a rough conversation with them, especially when they have smart ass painful comments to you that the sole reason is the divorce. A couple weeks ago my daughter was really really pissy towards me. Downright mean actually. It was right after I'd "come out" with my lady and I assumed that was why. Instead it turns out she was having a really rough time at school and was taking it out on me. Kids are amazingly self centered. I agree with baza that time is on your side if seeing someone soon (and my daughter has said that she thinks it is pretty soon to start seeing someone too) is a stumbling block then don't bring him up for a while. Time will heal this wound if you don't pick at it. Just my thoughts...
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Post by elkclan2 on Oct 24, 2017 9:13:46 GMT -5
My son is only 10 and I had been 'single' for almost two years after I split with my ex. (I had a fwb/ AP from my SM but my son never knew about him). When I told him I was dating someone and that I really liked him, he cried. He still had a dream about his parents reuniting. I started talking about my new boyfriend more and more, just causually and then kinda by accident THEY started texting and then my son started texting his kids (both boys, similar age). We never planned that, but it seemed to really help. They all met this summer and we've been feeling our way along since. My son doesn't like to back down from the position that he didn't want my dating, but actually he gets on very well with my boyfriend. It's actually, fingers crossed, knock-on-wood pretty much the family life I've always wanted with lots of laughing etc.
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