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Post by ironhamster on Sept 19, 2017 20:07:41 GMT -5
What I keep saying: If sex is so unimportant that I shouldn't mind never having it...then sex is so unimportant that you shouldn't mind me outsourcing. You can't have it both ways. There's a reason why, if I had a warning label, it would say "Do not leave unattended." Spot on. I've never understood why it is so important to someone that their spouse remains faithful when they are not interested in sex. Confusing to say the least. In many respects I believe that refusing sex is a form of cheating anyway. I joke about that, too, but my real belief is that they want the benefits of the marriage. Another person satisfying their spouse is a threat to the perks they effortlessly enjoy. |
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Post by csl on Sept 19, 2017 22:07:04 GMT -5
The conversation in that article is so eerily close to the conversations I've attempted with my wife. In her mind it's my fault to even want sex and the way I make her feel is why we aren't having sex. She's done nothing wrong in her mind so there's nothing she needs to change. I just need to be more understanding and not place such importance on sex. A few times in the heat of an argument she's told me I need to move out. I've asked her why it should be me that moves out and she replied it's because I'm the one who's not being a husband and have no desire to work on it. WTF!!!! I'll admit I'm not blameless but she doesn't see anything she should be blamed for! I don't even know where to start to address that comment. You could tell her that the Hebrew word for her is morodet, and that Martin Luther said that she is the one who should be sent packing for not being a wife! |
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Post by obobfla on Sept 19, 2017 22:12:35 GMT -5
@smartkat, I would have the same label. The author has some points, but he neglects some facets. Bill is being specific about what he wants. Sarah is not. She doesn't realize that by refusing her husband sex, she is doing the same thing that she accuses him of doing. Is he going to leave her and the kids over sex? Maybe, but by denying an outlet for sex, she is forcing her kids to live through an unhappy marriage, which is worse than a split household.
Although my wife is in the hospital with a tracheotomy, she still has the same communication problems as she had before her illness. She has her iPhone with her in the hospital. Even though she cannot speak, she calls me, sometimes in the middle of the night. I answer, and all I hear are lips smacking. I ask her to text, as her fingers work just fine. She never does. Sometimes she uses FaceTime so I can see her mouth her words. The problem is that I am a lousy lip reader. Usually, the call is to get me to call the nurse to check on her. When I call the nurse, he or she tells me that they have checked on her in the past few minutes. I feel for my wife, but I can't get after nurses constantly.
So what does that have to do with sex? Well, sex is a wonderful way of positive communication. It tells the other person that you find him or her attractive and that you value your partner. If you're not having sex with your partner, you're not communicating with that partner.
My wife once understood this, but now she has totally forgotten it. She forgot it before she became sick. She may be in the hospital, but I am busy working and raising our son alone. My employers have been accommodating, and my son and I share the grief of dealing with her medical ups and downs. Right now, the doctors and nurses said they are doing all they can do. It's up to my wife tough it out and get herself off the ventilator. I am trying to encourage her, telling her that she needs to fight for herself. She doesn't appear to listen or see what I am going through
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Sept 19, 2017 23:57:18 GMT -5
Crap article written by someone who clearly has no idea. I'm sure poor Bill has cooked, cleaned, moped, looked after kids, hung washing, mowed lawns, and waited on Sarah hand and foot in an attempt to understand her needs. And im sure none of it has worked as the goal posts probably keep getting moved by Sarah at every attempt.
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Post by h on Sept 20, 2017 5:12:04 GMT -5
Crap article written by someone who clearly has no idea. I'm sure poor Bill has cooked, cleaned, moped, looked after kids, hung washing, mowed lawns, and waited on Sarah hand and foot in an attempt to understand her needs. And im sure none of it has worked as the goal posts probably keep getting moved by Sarah at every attempt. Been there and done that! I take care of the lawns, wash all the laundry, wash the dishes, and cook every meal that's eaten in this house. I recently decided to scale back my domestic activities and see if she notices. Dishes piled up in the sink, around the counter, and covered the stove until I eventually had to wash a couple plates and forks to use one night. Still nothing from her. Next to quit is laundry. |
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Post by iceman on Sept 20, 2017 10:54:09 GMT -5
The conversation in that article is so eerily close to the conversations I've attempted with my wife. In her mind it's my fault to even want sex and the way I make her feel is why we aren't having sex. She's done nothing wrong in her mind so there's nothing she needs to change. I just need to be more understanding and not place such importance on sex. A few times in the heat of an argument she's told me I need to move out. I've asked her why it should be me that moves out and she replied it's because I'm the one who's not being a husband and have no desire to work on it. WTF!!!! I'll admit I'm not blameless but she doesn't see anything she should be blamed for! I don't even know where to start to address that comment. Iceman, are you ready to potentially put a fork in this relationship? How about this response: The choices that both of us have made have put us where we are today, and the choices that we make from here on out will determine where we end up. I can no longer live the way we have been, and I cannot and will not except the blame for everything. I see 3 choices in front of us. Let us each choose 2, and the intersection of our choices will be what we do. The choices are: A) stay married and BOTH of us meet in the middle on our grievances B) agree to allow me (Iceman) to outsource C) divorce If you no longer wish to try, don't choose option A. Valid point. I no longer wish to try. I don't think my wife does either. I feel we're moving towards a divorce albeit slowly. I think she sees it that way as well. While I could and am sort of outsourcing in the short term, I don't think I could keep going that route forever just to stay married. That said, there is a lot to consider, mainly with our kids. I've resigned myself to the financial hit I'm probably going to take, actually the hit we'll both take. It's the kids that take most of my thought. I know everybody has sensitive situations when it comes to kids but I think our situation is especially sensitive. I'll leave it at that. |
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Post by csl on Sept 20, 2017 11:39:21 GMT -5
Crap article written by someone who clearly has no idea. I'm sure poor Bill has cooked, cleaned, moped, looked after kids, hung washing, mowed lawns, and waited on Sarah hand and foot in an attempt to understand her needs. And im sure none of it has worked as the goal posts probably keep getting moved by Sarah at every attempt. Been there and done that! I take care of the lawns, wash all the laundry, wash the dishes, and cook every meal that's eaten in this house. I recently decided to scale back my domestic activities and see if she notices. Dishes piled up in the sink, around the counter, and covered the stove until I eventually had to wash a couple plates and forks to use one night. Still nothing from her. Next to quit is laundry. Just wash your clothes. Just prepare your own meals and clean up after yourself. You're a roommate, live like a roommate. |
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Post by h on Sept 20, 2017 12:52:58 GMT -5
Been there and done that! I take care of the lawns, wash all the laundry, wash the dishes, and cook every meal that's eaten in this house. I recently decided to scale back my domestic activities and see if she notices. Dishes piled up in the sink, around the counter, and covered the stove until I eventually had to wash a couple plates and forks to use one night. Still nothing from her. Next to quit is laundry. Just wash your clothes. Just prepare your own meals and clean up after yourself. You're a roommate, live like a roommate. Easing into that arrangement now. Going to keep phasing myself out of chores until she says something. Then the conversation will be "What have you done for me after years of me doing all this for you?" |
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 20, 2017 13:01:41 GMT -5
"Easing into that arrangement now. Going to keep phasing myself out of chores until she says something. Then the conversation will be "What have you done for me after years of me doing all this for you?"
She may say nothing. Are you waiting for her response so you can let go of a dead marriage?
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Post by h on Sept 20, 2017 13:31:29 GMT -5
"Easing into that arrangement now. Going to keep phasing myself out of chores until she says something. Then the conversation will be "What have you done for me after years of me doing all this for you?" She may say nothing. Are you waiting for her response so you can let go of a dead marriage? Making her more aware of what she'll be missing... |
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Post by csl on Sept 20, 2017 21:48:16 GMT -5
Just wash your clothes. Just prepare your own meals and clean up after yourself. You're a roommate, live like a roommate. Easing into that arrangement now. Going to keep phasing myself out of chores until she says something. Then the conversation will be "What have you done for me after years of me doing all this for you?" Ehhh........... I guess six of one, half dozen of the other. Because of the lore behind the apochryphal frog in the pot, I'm wondering why not a clean break from the chores. I call it tearing down the pedestal. |
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