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Post by allworkandnoplay on Sept 17, 2017 0:16:55 GMT -5
Ok, this actually looks like a new one: goodmenproject.com/featured-content/is-sex-so-important-you-would-leave-me-and-our-kidsstvhn/It's ironic how the opening "conversation" is a perfect example of DARVO, and then later on it talks about how the husband just has to just figure out what the wife needs. Yes, there is an attempt at making both sides equal, but the whole thing still seems lopsided to me. Maybe I am just jaded, but I think the main point is still missing from the analysis. A refuser who tosses that much DARVO is not interested in compromise, or an equal yoke so to speak. They are selfish. How many of us have attempted just what this author has suggested, only to have the "needs" change and the attempt go unsuccessful. Then we ask what did we do wrong and do some more why chasing. I am sure this is a hypothetical situation designed by the author, but this could have been a conversation I have had. The whole, "Then why don't you just leave me..." line is especially classic. If both of these people did what the author suggests, it would be a great thing. I think it is generally good advice - as long as both parties are committed, and committed equally. Oh, and one more thing. Sometimes it really is just about the sex and libido. Anyway, thoughts? |
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Post by h on Sept 17, 2017 4:37:46 GMT -5
Had that discussion many times. The problem is that I've done everything she's asked. She's told me what she wants and needs and I have done those things. Her changes were only temporary though. That article means nothing to me because it doesn't address the fact that sometimes, the the sex really is the issue. We already have the rest of the stuff talked about in the article. The lack of sex IS the wedge between us, the problem spilling over into the rest of the marriage and mucking up everything else.
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Post by jim44444 on Sept 17, 2017 14:58:28 GMT -5
What a crock of shit. Steve Horseman is a horse's ass. But wait there's more. He will send a free ebook “The Hard-to-Swallow SECRET to Saving your Marriage”.
Hmmm, swallowing and saving the marriage. Maybe he is onto something.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 17, 2017 17:02:54 GMT -5
I'm downloading the free e-book. IMHO, it will be a comical read.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 17, 2017 17:18:28 GMT -5
Yeah, it's not going to help me. He wants to grow kahunas on men that are too afraid of divorce to act like men.
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Post by jim44444 on Sept 17, 2017 17:20:01 GMT -5
I'm downloading the free e-book. IMHO, it will be a comical read. I downloaded it. Internet spam marketing at its finest. Right up there with the 5 secret foods to eat to melt belly fat. |
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Post by iceman on Sept 18, 2017 8:41:30 GMT -5
The conversation in that article is so eerily close to the conversations I've attempted with my wife. In her mind it's my fault to even want sex and the way I make her feel is why we aren't having sex. She's done nothing wrong in her mind so there's nothing she needs to change. I just need to be more understanding and not place such importance on sex. A few times in the heat of an argument she's told me I need to move out. I've asked her why it should be me that moves out and she replied it's because I'm the one who's not being a husband and have no desire to work on it. WTF!!!! I'll admit I'm not blameless but she doesn't see anything she should be blamed for! I don't even know where to start to address that comment.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 18, 2017 9:34:10 GMT -5
When I was chasing the "why" I must have read a hundred articles and chunks of advice from so called "marriage" experts. And then I tried putting them into practice. My X almost never noticed that I was doing something different from last weeks behavior. Or if she did it wasn't worth her time to comment. I feel sorry for the poor dumb basta*d that thinks this sort of voodoo can set the floundering ship aright.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 18, 2017 17:24:56 GMT -5
"Sarah needs to face her fear of being more vulnerable and comfortable in creating sexual polarity. She will have to WANT to become a woman and wife who learns how Bill’s needs for admiration and desire are filled in many ways beyond sex. Then she will need to step into her fear and take action."
What the hell is creating sexual polarity? Does anyone here have any idea?
Let me profer an alternate course of action:
Fuck your husband instead of trying to graft a vagina on him, you ignorant twat!
Now please make your check payable to Dr Shammy.
Oh and I wouldn't take relationship advice from an author who poses for his picture alone with his dog. Stick with Dr Shammy....
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Post by baza on Sept 18, 2017 18:20:38 GMT -5
Brother flashjohn often reverses this arguement from - "Is Sex So Important You Would Leave Me and Our Kids?" to - "Is not having sex so important that you would leave me and our kids ?" They are both perfectly legitimate positions to take. Indeed they are the same thing, but viewed from opposite perspectives. For the refuser, is the need to avoid sex with their spouse important enough to put the marriage at risk ? For the refused, is the need for sex with their spouse important enough to put the marrriage at risk ? For some refused spouses ( shamwow bballgirl greatcoastal as examples ) the answer was "yes". In some cases ( h mrslowmaintenance pixie as examples ) the answer is "no". |
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Post by brian on Sept 18, 2017 18:45:45 GMT -5
The conversation in that article is so eerily close to the conversations I've attempted with my wife. In her mind it's my fault to even want sex and the way I make her feel is why we aren't having sex. She's done nothing wrong in her mind so there's nothing she needs to change. I just need to be more understanding and not place such importance on sex. A few times in the heat of an argument she's told me I need to move out. I've asked her why it should be me that moves out and she replied it's because I'm the one who's not being a husband and have no desire to work on it. WTF!!!! I'll admit I'm not blameless but she doesn't see anything she should be blamed for! I don't even know where to start to address that comment. Iceman, are you ready to potentially put a fork in this relationship? How about this response: The choices that both of us have made have put us where we are today, and the choices that we make from here on out will determine where we end up. I can no longer live the way we have been, and I cannot and will not except the blame for everything. I see 3 choices in front of us. Let us each choose 2, and the intersection of our choices will be what we do. The choices are: A) stay married and BOTH of us meet in the middle on our grievances B) agree to allow me (Iceman) to outsource C) divorce If you no longer wish to try, don't choose option A. |
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 18, 2017 18:52:22 GMT -5
Brother flashjohn often reverses this arguement from - "Is Sex So Important You Would Leave Me and Our Kids?" to - "Is not having sex so important that you would leave me and our kids ?" They are both perfectly legitimate positions to take. Indeed they are the same thing, but viewed from opposite perspectives. For the refuser, is the need to avoid sex with their spouse important enough to put the marriage at risk ? For the refused, is the need for sex with their spouse important enough to put the marrriage at risk ? For some refused spouses ( shamwow bballgirl greatcoastal as examples ) the answer was "yes". In some cases ( h mrslowmaintenance pixie as examples ) the answer is "no". That's Hell Yes for me!  Celibacy is not an option and not normal. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2017 12:25:47 GMT -5
What I keep saying:
If sex is so unimportant that I shouldn't mind never having it...then sex is so unimportant that you shouldn't mind me outsourcing.
You can't have it both ways.
There's a reason why, if I had a warning label, it would say "Do not leave unattended."
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Post by rejected101 on Sept 19, 2017 16:38:12 GMT -5
What I keep saying: If sex is so unimportant that I shouldn't mind never having it...then sex is so unimportant that you shouldn't mind me outsourcing. You can't have it both ways. There's a reason why, if I had a warning label, it would say "Do not leave unattended." Spot on. I've never understood why it is so important to someone that their spouse remains faithful when they are not interested in sex. Confusing to say the least. In many respects I believe that refusing sex is a form of cheating anyway. |
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Post by baza on Sept 19, 2017 17:23:02 GMT -5
Who is "right", or who is "wrong" can be debated endlessly.
Who's actions "started it", and who's actions "continued it" can likewise be argued endlessly.
Who is "at fault", or who is "blameless" can similarly be disputed.
And none of it makes a blind bit of difference.
The situation, today, right here and right now is what you have to deal with.
"Blame apportioning" does not help.
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