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Post by iceman on Sept 15, 2017 12:27:13 GMT -5
I've written letters that my wife has read. I've written what was really more like a journal intended for me as a way to release stress which I let my wife read. I was under the naive delusion that my wife just didn't know how I felt and when she realized what my feelings were through my writings she would make some attempt to meet my needs. Silly me. Her response was something like 'Gee I didn't know you felt that way'. That was it. Nothing more. Crickets. No further comments or discussions. Nothing changed in her actions. Now I know she knows how I feel and she is either unwilling or unable to even start meeting me halfway, or even have a discussion about it that isn't her telling me that she just can't address our problems. That is much more hurtful to me than when I thought she was just oblivious. She is now making a conscious decision to ignore my feelings.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 15, 2017 17:06:50 GMT -5
I've written letters that my wife has read. I've written what was really more like a journal intended for me as a way to release stress which I let my wife read. I was under the naive delusion that my wife just didn't know how I felt and when she realized what my feelings were through my writings she would make some attempt to meet my needs. Silly me. Her response was something like 'Gee I didn't know you felt that way'. That was it. Nothing more. Crickets. No further comments or discussions. Nothing changed in her actions. Now I know she knows how I feel and she is either unwilling or unable to even start meeting me halfway, or even have a discussion about it that isn't her telling me that she just can't address our problems. That is much more hurtful to me than when I thought she was just oblivious. She is now making a conscious decision to ignore my feelings. I hope you are seeing that "gee I didn't know you felt that way" has DARVO written all over it. |
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Post by snowman12345 on Sept 16, 2017 6:18:53 GMT -5
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Post by csl on Sept 16, 2017 21:21:58 GMT -5
I've written letters that my wife has read. I've written what was really more like a journal intended for me as a way to release stress which I let my wife read. I was under the naive delusion that my wife just didn't know how I felt and when she realized what my feelings were through my writings she would make some attempt to meet my needs. Silly me. Her response was something like 'Gee I didn't know you felt that way'. That was it. Nothing more. Crickets. No further comments or discussions. Nothing changed in her actions. Now I know she knows how I feel and she is either unwilling or unable to even start meeting me halfway, or even have a discussion about it that isn't her telling me that she just can't address our problems. That is much more hurtful to me than when I thought she was just oblivious. She is now making a conscious decision to ignore my feelings. I hope you are seeing that "gee I didn't know you felt that way" has DARVO written all over it. If this is all further the conversation got, nothing could be expected to result from it. After the "I didn't know you felt that way," the next line is, "Well, now you know; so what do we do to change the marriage?" And get specific, actionable tactics to implement. No "I don't know" shoulder shrugs. "Now you know, so what are we going to do to fix this?" Don't end the convo prematurely. |
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Post by iceman on Sept 18, 2017 7:58:49 GMT -5
I've written letters that my wife has read. I've written what was really more like a journal intended for me as a way to release stress which I let my wife read. I was under the naive delusion that my wife just didn't know how I felt and when she realized what my feelings were through my writings she would make some attempt to meet my needs. Silly me. Her response was something like 'Gee I didn't know you felt that way'. That was it. Nothing more. Crickets. No further comments or discussions. Nothing changed in her actions. Now I know she knows how I feel and she is either unwilling or unable to even start meeting me halfway, or even have a discussion about it that isn't her telling me that she just can't address our problems. That is much more hurtful to me than when I thought she was just oblivious. She is now making a conscious decision to ignore my feelings. I hope you are seeing that "gee I didn't know you felt that way" has DARVO written all over it. Indeed it does. She's an accomplished practitionerof of the tactic. š |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 18, 2017 12:39:42 GMT -5
Watering, no.... Making water on them? Perhaps. |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 18, 2017 12:44:38 GMT -5
I hope you are seeing that "gee I didn't know you felt that way" has DARVO written all over it. If this is all further the conversation got, nothing could be expected to result from it. After the "I didn't know you felt that way," the next line is, "Well, now you know; so what do we do to change the marriage?" And get specific, actionable tactics to implement. No "I don't know" shoulder shrugs.Ā "Now you know, so what are we going to do to fix this?" Don't end the convo prematurely. This is an excelent point. A letter without some kind of a call to action is useless. My first draft of my final letter was wishy washy in this way. Fortunately feedback from the forum help get the wishy washy out of it. These discussions are HARD. But after you've had a few they get easier. I used to avoid hard discussions like the plague. My newfound ease of being able to have hard conversations is one unexpected benefit I got from my divorce. |
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Post by baza on Sept 18, 2017 18:48:18 GMT -5
The golden rule in our common situations is, that if you are going to issue some sort of communication, do NOT - under any circumstances - say anything that you are not prepared to back up with action.
These are NOT situations to engage in bluff / brinkmanship or bullshit.
It is imperative that you say what you mean, and mean what you say.
This is why you need to establish how a divorce would shake out for you, why you need an exit strategy, why you need a solid support network, why you need to research everything you can find concerning helping kids transition through such an event - BEFORE you open your yap, or pick up your pen.
You need to be as fully prepared as you can be, and thus conduct the communication (letter / eyeball) from a position of knowledge and strength.
If you are as fully prepared as you can be, then you are some chance of bringing the situation to resolution.
If you are not prepared, then you have no chance of bringing the situation to resolution.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2017 12:31:57 GMT -5
To give Mr. Kat some credit, at least he didn't try the "I didn't know you felt that way," crap.
But I did get accused of not caring about anything except sex.
And, he did tell me finally, "I'm trying as hard as I'm going to." (IOW, this is as good as it gets.)
That's why I still haven't tried to get back together with him.
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Post by ggold on Sept 19, 2017 14:50:54 GMT -5
I was at lunch today by myself and there were what I assume were friends sitting at the table next to me. The tables were super close so I couldn't help but listen when the gentleman began talking about his sexless marriage. He wasn't talking loud by any means, but I think my ears were more alert when I heard him say "I can't live without sex anymore and I am resentful". The woman then expressed her struggles and they talked through it and supported each other. He then handed her a letter he wrote that was several pages long. She read it for about 10 minutes and exclaimed how wonderful, articulate, and to the point his letter was and that she wished she could have the strength to do the same. They talked about how it emotionally affects them and the demands they had and how scared they were to put actions in place. He said that he hoped his letter would make her divorce him. He said he would not live this life anymore and the damage was done. He no longer finds her attractive, etc. I know I sound like a total creeper, but it was absolutely surreal to hear them talk. I couldn't make this shit up!!! I typically Do not eat out on my lunch break so it was almost like the universe was speaking to me. Now I come onto ILIASM chat room today and see that many of you are writing letters. I have been contemplating my final move for a couple months (total procrastinaton and mind numbing fear). I think a letter might be the way to express my final thoughts. I obviously know that there will have to be a conversation, but maybe that is the final "spark" I need to execute what I have put in place. I know in my heart a letter isn't going to change shit, but maybe it will force the final conversation I need to have with my roommate. I've never written him a letter expressing my feelings. I've thought about it, but never written anything. Any thoughts are appreciated. I have written several letters to my husband throughout our 23 year marriage to no avail. He'd read them and look sad, yet nothing ever changed. If anything, writing the letters was therapeutic for me. I was at least able to unleash what was inside of me. |
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