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Post by Apocrypha on Sept 14, 2017 10:24:05 GMT -5
- Why I´m still with you since I realized how unhappy I am At the end… I think I won´t call you love because I just realized I don´t love you anymore. Should a marital relationship bring happiness? Contentment? Peace? Should both married people be in love -- with each other? "Why am I still with you?" is a great question to ponder for anyone, happy or not. If it's going well, it reinforces the relationship as a source of strength and home. If it's not, then it shines a light where it needs to be. It's reasonable to wonder what he's thinking. In skipping to diagnosis, it's very common to leapfrog over the *prognosis* - the expected course of the dysfunction. You know he's disconnected and your relationship lacks - for reasons. You don't know what those reasons are, but you have a clear understanding of the effect of that dysfunction on you and the role the marriage plays with that in mind. Regardless of the reasons he cites - they result in this disconnection. And you - not him - seem to be making this a priority. Presumably, if you stopped making this a priority, the hope that the disconnection would be fixed, would disappear. Hard to be married to a person who is single. |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 14, 2017 11:22:10 GMT -5
- Why I´m still with you since I realized how unhappy I am At the end… I think I won´t call you love because I just realized I don´t love you anymore. Should a marital relationship bring happiness? Contentment? Peace? Should both married people be in love -- with each other? "Why am I still with you?" is a great question to ponder for anyone, happy or not. If it's going well, it reinforces the relationship as a source of strength and home. If it's not, then it shines a light where it needs to be. It's reasonable to wonder what he's thinking. In skipping to diagnosis, it's very common to leapfrog over the *prognosis* - the expected course of the dysfunction. You know he's disconnected and your relationship lacks - for reasons. You don't know what those reasons are, but you have a clear understanding of the effect of that dysfunction on you and the role the marriage plays with that in mind. Regardless of the reasons he cites - they result in this disconnection. And you - not him - seem to be making this a priority. Presumably, if you stopped making this a priority, the hope that the disconnection would be fixed, would disappear. Hard to be married to a person who is single. This is a really insightful point. |
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Post by neonspace on Sept 14, 2017 20:27:24 GMT -5
Great advice to tone the letter down. I wrote a letter that I used for a guide for the talk in case the talk fell apart. It was pretty harsh and basically came across as an airing of grievances. At the time I was angry and resentful, and still am, and wanted her to know why. It made me feel better but didn't make things better. A toned down letter would have served me well and I'll do that when I write another one.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2017 10:07:46 GMT -5
I just wrote a similar letter to my wife yesterday. I will keep it and only give it to her if/when I file for divorce. I am really impressed. When you first came here, you were resigned to stay with her forever. Now you are actually considering divorce. This is a huge step. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2017 13:07:34 GMT -5
I wrote several similar letters to my refuser. The first was in 1986 when our first and then only child was just 2. The last was 5 years ago. The only one I ever showed him was the last one. I did, however, have The Talk with him -- several times. In all of the talks and all but the last letter, I had hope. By the time I wrote the last one, my hope was gone, and I asked for a divorce. I have been divorced for four years. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I'd divorced earlier. However, I've come to the conclusion that when I was ready to divorce, that's what I did. Hi northstarmom. That was my first letter. I felt better after I wrote it and that I could share with you. I haven't showed him and I don't intend to, at least for now... but I wish I can solve this soon enough. Thanks for sharing your experience, gives me hope that I will do the right thing when I'm ready. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2017 13:12:10 GMT -5
If you are looking to keep the peace because of the kids a toned down version would be better. My first draft was a 7 page rant. The final version was edited with the help of some of the ladies on the forum and really helped pave the way to an amicable split. Mine is toned down. No angry rant. Just hurt loneliness and unmet needs that go all the way back to the wedding night. No hate or accusations, but a recognition that our marriage was a mistake and never should have happened at all. I feel that - unfortunately - we have have similar stories and share the same feelings about our spouses... sometimes I feel that my marriage was a mistake too but I try to hold on to all the good things we did together and in our daughter, she is the reason of my life now. I wish you the best 😘 |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2017 13:18:43 GMT -5
I know baza. I really need to drop this "chasing" habit and try to focus on what I want and need to do. There's no easy choice for us in that situation, cause as I can see we have the following options: - stay and live unhappy forever - stay and cheat - stay and live an open marriage (imho is very hard that they agree with it) - leave (wich means end the family unit, share bills and chores, and a lot more) and be "happy" |
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Post by Apocrypha on Sept 15, 2017 14:31:09 GMT -5
I know baza . I really need to drop this "chasing" habit and try to focus on what I want and need to do. There's no easy choice for us in that situation, cause as I can see we have the following options: - stay and live unhappy forever - stay and cheat - stay and live an open marriage (imho is very hard that they agree with it) - leave (wich means end the family unit, share bills and chores, and a lot more) and be "happy" I did option 3 for a few years and am discussing a situation now with a married person who is in an open marriage - with a disconnection at its core. While it might be hard to grasp this from your present vantage point, those who do it because they experience dysfunction with each other have the toughest time. Tt doesn't resolve the disconnection between you any more than cheating does and ends up being a dead end in the primary relationship. It still means that your home, where you live, and where you are investing your future, is STILL a romantic desert that subverts your fulfillment. This option works better if you both can find a path toward ENJOYING your partners' exploration, whether symmetrical with yours or not, because then the act of exploration becomes a way to get closer to each other. Two birds/one stone kind of thing. If not, it comes between you and isn't something you do together. You might be in an open relationship, but it isn't something that brings you together then. |
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 5, 2017 0:07:37 GMT -5
I journal almost daily feeling rejected, it helps keep things in perspective. It is also a way to set up an action plan for your future.
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