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Post by northstarmom on Sept 7, 2017 9:29:14 GMT -5
"I will never be a "puppy dog" again, taking crumbs of affection or worse, indifference."
Good for you.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 7, 2017 10:01:18 GMT -5
Dumb question, but if you are having to go through all that work to filter through the trash on dating sites, why not try to meet men other ways?
If your dating standards are 30 years out of date, why not go old school? Take a class, join a club, join a church (can't believe I suggested that one), etc...Even if you don't meet anyone, you will get out and (presumably) have some fun.
You're probably not looking for a 28 year old dude, and someone more your own age. Maybe the tried and true ways are best for you.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 7, 2017 10:18:28 GMT -5
Damn Caris. Im filtered out at #1!!! Or as my wife likes to say, she has 5 kids to look after and Im the least mature. lol
In all seriousness, I think the vetting process is critical. Why waste time with something that will not make you happy. But the flip side is that it can be a long time between meeting people.
Another option might be to be willing to make compromises at least at the profile or email communication level. That way you can have more lessons learned "opportunities"
On the selfishness, I think its a reflection of society in general. It might also be sample bias in that many of the better adjusted men are not on those sites.
Edit: Also what shamwow said above ^^^
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Post by WindSister on Sept 7, 2017 10:33:58 GMT -5
One observation I've noticed since joining a dating site, and getting somewhat close to two men, without actually meeting them, is the selfishness of men. I know the men here won't like this, but this is my observation. How it's all about their needs and feelings, and wants, but my feelings can take a back seat. I suffered this lack of consideration for my feelings for 25-years, and even as a child. One thing I know is I would rather be alone for the rest of my life with my dignity (and loneliness) than be with a man who relegated my feelings to the back burner or didn't consider them at all. I will never be a "puppy dog" again, taking crumbs of affection or worse, indifference. Good.  No one should have to feel that way in a relationship. |
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 7, 2017 10:34:51 GMT -5
Caris, your process seems very reasonable. And I agree with shamwow instead of your son - your expectations / technique may be out of date if you were trying to date 20-somethings, but it shouldn't be so foreign to guys your age. I know from your comments elsewhere that you don't socialize with men much, so the wrinkle I see here is that if a guy makes it through all your pre-filters then you're into undiscovered / uncomfortable territory. How to make that step less scary? I imagine that your early-stage filters were very uncomfortable for you at first, but with enough volume it became more comfortable to engage / filter / render judgement. Is there a way you can get more comfortable with doing this face-to-face, so when you find a strong prospect the process doesn't jumps the tracks? Easier said than done, but if you could find yourself in non-dating social situations where you could revive your art of casual conversation with men, you might feel more prepared for a dating context. I recall that Meetups might not be practical in your geography - how about Groupon? In my area there are often offers for different social-like events that are inexpensive - like wine samplings, painting classes, etc. that create a safe social setting that is decidedly not dating. ETA: Oh, and on the selfishness thing... I won't deny it exists. In time, we've collectively lost the art of social graces that used to be taught. Not just which fork/cup/bread plate to use, but even how to hold polite conversation. Yes, some are just self-centered, but others might just be poorly trained.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2017 11:13:32 GMT -5
You learn a lot about yourself when you're dating - if you let yourself.
If you really listen to your own feelings, your own likes and dislikes, and ask, "Do I like him?" as well as worrying, "Will he like me?"
You need to feel that your feelings and needs and preferences MATTER. No, you will not get everything you want, all the time. But neither should you cave in on every single point.
In a little over a year of dating, I've discovered that I'm more of a romantic than I used to be when I was in my 20s. I'm less comfortable with casual sex than I used to be.
I'm not religious, and lean left politically, so I don't think it's a matter of getting more conservative with age. I've noticed that I also get more emotional, and have a lot more concern about people's feelings than I did when I was younger. And I seem to be acquiring more romantic tastes in entertainment, clothing, etc., than I used to.
Perimenopause? Maybe. Although my libido has not declined.
Back in the 50s, people dated and didn't have sex (according to my parents, anyway - two of the prissiest people on this earth.) Today, people hook up but don't seem to do much else.
I think we had the best of both worlds in the 80s. You didn't have to be married to have sex - people had plenty of sex. But there was some dating and romance along with the sex.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 7, 2017 12:06:43 GMT -5
This is a most excellent post. I appreciate the functional tips on the dating sites. More important- I'm thrilled you are trusting your own intuition & not compromising your values.
Keep on your healing path, sister.
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Post by hopingforachange on Sept 8, 2017 6:15:53 GMT -5
Caris, just to play devil's advocate,are the men selfish or have they need in a relationship where thier needs were railroaded by a narcissistic spouse?
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Post by Caris on Sept 8, 2017 6:54:20 GMT -5
hopingforachange, Good question, and it may be what you say is the reason. However, does that change anything for me? No. The end result is the same, in that I (or anyone) am left feeling that my needs and feelings don't matter. Whatever the cause of the selfish behavior, it gives the same result. If I were to tell myself that this man has been with a narcissist, so this explains why he's selfish, does that make how he treats me better? No. I was raised by a narcissist. I was married to a narcissist. No wonder, I have so many issues of trust. Am I selfish? Only in that I now have boundaries as my safeguard. I no longer tolerate what I used to tolerate. My emotions and my agreeable nature often want to override these boundaries, so I have to allow the principles of common sense and wisdom pull me back from making the same mistakes of the past.
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Post by WindSister on Sept 8, 2017 8:33:05 GMT -5
hopingforachange , Good question, and it may be what you say is the reason. However, does that change anything for me? No. The end result is the same, in that I (or anyone) am left feeling that my needs and feelings don't matter. Whatever the cause of the selfish behavior, it gives the same result. If I were to tell myself that this man has been with a narcissist, so this explains why he's selfish, does that make how he treats me better? No. I was raised by a narcissist. I was married to a narcissist. No wonder, I have so many issues of trust. Am I selfish? Only in that I now have boundaries as my safeguard. I no longer tolerate what I used to tolerate. My emotions and my agreeable nature often want to override these boundaries, so I have to allow the principles of common sense and wisdom pull me back from making the same mistakes of the past. I love seeing you evolve through all of this. It really is not worth it to spin our wheels for someone NOT into us. Be with someone who makes you feel you are easy to love. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 8, 2017 8:58:26 GMT -5
I'll +1 on the meeting people the old - fashioned way. I've been taking dance lessons since June (salsa so far), and I've met all kinds of people with similar interests and passions as myself, of all ages, and I've made friends there. No dates have come from it, but I haven't exactly tried either. But I'm pretty sure there's potential there.
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Post by Caris on Sept 8, 2017 9:56:13 GMT -5
I'll +1 on the meeting people the old - fashioned way. I've been taking dance lessons since June (salsa so far), and I've met all kinds of people with similar interests and passions as myself, of all ages, and I've made friends there. No dates have come from it, but I haven't exactly tried either. But I'm pretty sure there's potential there. That's great. I did go to a dancing class some time ago. I had so much fun, but I doubt I'd ever find a date there as it was married couples and very old people. The only single person there besides myself was another lady around my age. I'm going on a hike tomorrow, but I'm going because I like hiking, as I do dancing, but again, I think it's mostly women. |
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 8, 2017 10:02:39 GMT -5
While dancing classes and similar activities often are mainly couples and very old people, one of my friends, age 56, has found several boyfriends at such places. Another was around 58 14 years ago when she met her husband at a weekly contra dance. He said he was attracted to her because she looked so happy. Neither woman were dancing to meet men. They went because they liked dancing.
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 8, 2017 10:10:18 GMT -5
While dancing classes and similar activities often are mainly couples and very old people, one of my friends, age 56, has found several boyfriends at such places. Another was around 58 14 years ago when she met her husband at a weekly contra dance. He said he was attracted to her because she looked so happy. Neither woman were dancing to meet men. They went because they liked dancing. Precisely. Going to the social dances after or aside from the classes, there are more people in the community, at a wider range of ages and experience. |
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 8, 2017 11:40:36 GMT -5
Fwiw, demonstrating genuine happiness in an activity ups one's chances of finding a partner. Thus it is important to choose an activity that you would enjoy regardless of whether romance happens.
The husband of my dancing friend said she stood out due to her joy. He said that contrasted with that of most middle aged single women, whom he said seemed bitter and angry. My friend's happiness won him over even though she was older than him and had been divorced twice, things that normally would have caused him not to date her.
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No one should have to feel that way in a relationship. 
