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Post by baza on Sept 5, 2017 20:58:59 GMT -5
Suggestion.
There is no time like the present to start your preparations.
Consulting a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you would be the cornerstone of your preparations.
Putting together your exit strategy and knocking it into do-able shape within those legal parameters would be the next step.
Shoring up your support network to help you through this most difficult of choices would be highly advisable.
Researching everything you can find about helping kids transition through such an event would be smart too.
You could be ready to go at your deadline (Nov ? New Year ?) rather than starting your preparations then.
Time is not your friend in these situations Brother @earthhorse
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 6, 2017 3:10:25 GMT -5
Just to fill in the gaps.
When you both agreed that counseling was a must , who was supposed to set about finding a counselor that might work for the 2 of you?
If you have decided you are no longer going to make an effort to make it work, how is setting an arbitrary deadline for change or some kind of improvement supposed to work?
I understand your distancing yourself from the emotional components of the relationship, I did the same when I knew I was done, but are you doing it because you are done or to force some sort of capitulation from your W?
You state to your friend that you actually don't want to work it out, but you are still asking you W to go into counseling, what's the end goal?
This post reads like you are done, but you can't quite bring yourself to push the kill switch.
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Post by neonspace on Sept 6, 2017 5:54:38 GMT -5
Isn't pushing the kill switch the hardest part?
That's exactly how I feel. I feel like I'm done but actually following through is difficult. My threshold for discomfort may not have reached the point where it is bad enough that I am willing to press the button, despite being extremely uncomfortable.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2017 6:25:36 GMT -5
I dont want to hit the kill switch, at least not yet. My h is asexual and I know it isn't his fault or mine.
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Post by iceman on Sept 6, 2017 7:53:37 GMT -5
I dont want to hit the kill switch, at least not yet. My h is asexual and I know it isn't his fault or mine. At this point who's at fault is meaningless. He's asexual and, I assume, you're not. That's not going to change. Can you find a way to make that work without one or both of you living a life of unhappiness just to stay together? |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 6, 2017 8:24:29 GMT -5
Hey all! Well, it sucks to see so many new names and also familiar names, as I log in for the first time in six months. As they say, Welcome to the club that no one wants to be a part of... I told myself that I would hang on and fight as long as there was hope. Sadly, I think that flame is almost out. We had one night where I said, "I don't see how we can possibly communicate without going to counseling." W agreed, followed by the familiar weeks of inaction/silence. I talked with a friend who said, "hey, kudos for trying to work it out still." My reply was, "you know, I actually don't want to wok it out. I want to live the most authentic life, and to be true to myself and show my children what love is. I'm not going to try to make it work. If it does work, awesome. But I'm no longer trying to force it to work." And you know what, for the first time, things changed for me. I stopped offering physical affection, or desperate and short kisses. I stopped saying I love you. That's sad, but it's also pointed out to me just how loveless this had all become. So I am drawing my line. I am setting a deadline (November? New Years?) in my head and making an escape plan. I will say, "you will get into counseling before this date, or I am moving out." It's not even an emotional decision anymore. It's not even about sex anymore for me. It's being complicit in someone else's refusal to recognize me as myself. I am halfway through my life. I tried staying. I have two wonderful kids, and I discovered meditation because of all this. But it's no longer good for me to stay. Things will change, or I will leave. Fingers crossed. Keep in mind that counseling is often the ultimate reset, stringing things along for months and thousands of dollars. If she wanted to fix things SHE would be suggesting counseling. If she doesn't want to fix things the all the counseling in the world will do no good. When you get to the point where you are done trying to resuscitate the corpse on the table, the time for doctors (counseling) is over ad it may be time to focus your resources on morticians (lawyers) instead. If you want to set a final date so that you "gave it one last try", I understand. Just don't let her know what that date is. Doinhg that is just another opportunity at reset. If she gives a shit she shouldn't need to be dragged to save the marriage. If you want an idea of what is to come read my T minus thread on post SM. It picks up about 2 months down the road from where you are now. |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 6, 2017 8:40:24 GMT -5
Isn't pushing the kill switch the hardest part? That's exactly how I feel. I feel like I'm done but actually following through is difficult. My threshold for discomfort may not have reached the point where it is bad enough that I am willing to press the button, despite being extremely uncomfortable. Depends on the person. For me I planned things out for a year and a half before pushing the switch. I had plans and pretty much knew how things would end up. I was pretty much on target. My lady, ballofconfusion just kinda jumped out of the plane without a detailed plan or parachute. Her road is bumper but some of that is situational. In my case it was hard to pull the switch because it is all I thought about and the hamster wheel of worry spin 24/7 in the back of my head. I'm guessing baza has it right. See an attorney. Figure out how it will REALISTICALLY shake out for you. That way if there are fears they are based in reality, not. Well... Fear. Also if you see someone in a similar SM situation PM them. The PM conversations I've had with people have helped me work on the individual collateral damage my SM inflicted on me with others on the same path. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 6, 2017 9:19:42 GMT -5
Isn't pushing the kill switch the hardest part? That's exactly how I feel. I feel like I'm done but actually following through is difficult. My threshold for discomfort may not have reached the point where it is bad enough that I am willing to press the button, despite being extremely uncomfortable. For me the hardiest part was finally accepting the truth of the situation and acknowledging that it was never going to get fixed. She would never feel for me the way I felt for her. So we would never again have the real meat and potatoes (love, trust, empathy,) that yoke 2 people together in a marriage. Once I knew I was done, pushing the kill switch came pretty easy. |
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 6, 2017 9:54:28 GMT -5
The hardest part for me was realizing he didn't return my love. Realizing that took years. After that realization, divorce was easy as was moving on.
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Post by Apocrypha on Sept 6, 2017 13:27:11 GMT -5
I dont want to hit the kill switch, at least not yet. My h is asexual and I know it isn't his fault or mine. You go to the ballet. You paid $100 for your ticket. The lead has been hit by a truck - broken leg, full cast. It isn't her fault. She rolls out in a wheelchair and the show begins. You totally sympathize with the artist, but she's trying to dance ballet in a wheelchair, and it isn't working. The performance wasn't designed for that. There is an understudy who might or might not be capable of performing in her place, but that understudy has no place on this stage because the lead is there. How much does the matter of your spouse's intention or ability change your spousal obligation? If the lead is in a wheelchair, is it ballet? If your relationship is devoid of romantic investment, is it a marriage? It would be PERFECTLY reasonable to cancel the ballet, to put in an understudy, or to refund the money in that circumstance. If both your concepts of what a marriage IS, would include romantic investment as opposed to a vow of celibacy, then it would be perfectly reasonable and ethical to redefine the nature of that relationship to correspond to what it authentically is. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2017 13:41:52 GMT -5
I dont want to hit the kill switch, at least not yet. My h is asexual and I know it isn't his fault or mine. You go to the ballet. You paid $100 for your ticket. The lead has been hit by a truck - broken leg, full cast. It isn't her fault. She rolls out in a wheelchair and the show begins. You totally sympathize with the artist, but she's trying to dance ballet in a wheelchair, and it isn't working. The performance wasn't designed for that. There is an understudy who might or might not be capable of performing in her place, but that understudy has no place on this stage because the lead is there. How much does the matter of your spouse's intention or ability change your spousal obligation? If the lead is in a wheelchair, is it ballet? If your relationship is devoid of romantic investment, is it a marriage? It would be PERFECTLY reasonable to cancel the ballet, to put in an understudy, or to refund the money in that circumstance. If both your concepts of what a marriage IS, would include romantic investment as opposed to a vow of celibacy, then it would be perfectly reasonable and ethical to redefine the nature of that relationship to correspond to what it authentically is. Apocrypha, I don't know you. I don't know any of you really. But if your way of mansplaining the state of my marriage is to compare it to going to the ballet, you are way off. I haven't shared much of my story, mostly because i am still trying to navigate this format. Just because i haven't shared details yet, don't get ahead of yourself and advise without showing a little empathy. I am left wondering if this the right place for me. |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 7, 2017 22:09:15 GMT -5
Keep in mind that counseling is often the ultimate reset, stringing things along for months and thousands of dollars. If she wanted to fix things SHE would be suggesting counseling. If she doesn't want to fix things the all the counseling in the world will do no good. When you get to the point where you are done trying to resuscitate the corpse on the table, the time for doctors (counseling) is over ad it may be time to focus your resources on morticians (lawyers) instead. If you want to set a final date so that you "gave it one last try", I understand. Just don't let her know what that date is. Doinhg that is just another opportunity at reset. If she gives a shit she shouldn't need to be dragged to save the marriage. If you want an idea of what is to come read my T minus thread on post SM. It picks up about 2 months down the road from where you are now. Thanks for the tip, shamwow and I'll check out your post. The only thing I don't agree with is your saying that if she wanted to fix it, she already would have. She has a family history of avoidance, intimidation, domination, and sarcasm. Her parents don't deal with problems, they just shame others into ignoring problems as a means of deflection. Believe me, it's been really messy. Who knows--you might be right. But honestly, a divorce is going to cost minimum 10k, plus half my retirement funds. So by comparison, therapy is a bargain. might as well try first. Thanks again for the heads up. Mine cost me about 300k. Worth every penny. |
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Post by dinnaken on Sept 9, 2017 6:16:24 GMT -5
Yes @earthhorse it is hard whatever your circumstances, I had no feelings for my spouse nor she for me but it was still hard to reach above my head for the black & yellow handle and then pull it.
Anyone who didn't struggle with these decisions wouldn't be here.
Yep, good luck to us all, may we all find the right way
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Post by Apocrypha on Sept 11, 2017 10:22:24 GMT -5
You go to the ballet. You paid $100 for your ticket. The lead has been hit by a truck - broken leg, full cast. It isn't her fault. She rolls out in a wheelchair and the show begins. You totally sympathize with the artist, but she's trying to dance ballet in a wheelchair, and it isn't working. The performance wasn't designed for that. There is an understudy who might or might not be capable of performing in her place, but that understudy has no place on this stage because the lead is there. How much does the matter of your spouse's intention or ability change your spousal obligation? If the lead is in a wheelchair, is it ballet? If your relationship is devoid of romantic investment, is it a marriage? It would be PERFECTLY reasonable to cancel the ballet, to put in an understudy, or to refund the money in that circumstance. If both your concepts of what a marriage IS, would include romantic investment as opposed to a vow of celibacy, then it would be perfectly reasonable and ethical to redefine the nature of that relationship to correspond to what it authentically is. Apocrypha, I don't know you. I don't know any of you really. But if your way of mansplaining the state of my marriage is to compare it to going to the ballet, you are way off. I haven't shared much of my story, mostly because i am still trying to navigate this format. Just because i haven't shared details yet, don't get ahead of yourself and advise without showing a little empathy. I am left wondering if this the right place for me. 1. @sexlessonthebeach , your use of the sexist "mansplaining" term to describe someone who responded to your post runs counter to most goals other than expressing contempt --Contempt for me personally and for men in general. There is no reason to express your disagreement as a gender issue. Men on this board are allowed to speak. Whether you agree that men should share their experiences in mixed company or not is not isn't my concern. You didn't ask for only women to comment, nor did you post that you were a misandrist initially. I would have saved myself the trouble of commenting, had I known that up front. 2. You commented on a board in which the way people frame their problem is frequently challenged rather than validated. How is validating your existing processes working out so far in your marriage? If it's great, then why did you search the group out? 3. I've shared your perspective - at least the kernal of what you have written. That perspective was responsible for dragging out great deal of personal misery and I wish someone had said something to me like what I said to you, to propose an alternative to the way I'd framed my marital dysfunction and my obligations within it. I posed the analogy and asked you questions because I DO empathize with the way you framed your problem. I did not; however, tell you what to do. 4. If, as you have suggested, you omitted facts that would change the quality of the advice you feel you are owed, it is narcissistic to rail at others for not intuiting what you didn't tell them. How will the people reading your post respond in the way you want unless you tell them what to say (and which genders may say it)? This is a rare post in which I actually see hope, because my tummy suggests a potential for disconnection which might originate from a source that is within your control. You brought up "empathy" pretty quick. Maybe start there. What do you think of men, @sexlessonthebeach ? Do you think it is possible your husband knows this? |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2017 16:40:49 GMT -5
Hey all! Well, it sucks to see so many new names and also familiar names, as I log in for the first time in six months. As they say, Welcome to the club that no one wants to be a part of... I told myself that I would hang on and fight as long as there was hope. Sadly, I think that flame is almost out. We had one night where I said, "I don't see how we can possibly communicate without going to counseling." W agreed, followed by the familiar weeks of inaction/silence. I talked with a friend who said, "hey, kudos for trying to work it out still." My reply was, "you know, I actually don't want to wok it out. I want to live the most authentic life, and to be true to myself and show my children what love is. I'm not going to try to make it work. If it does work, awesome. But I'm no longer trying to force it to work." And you know what, for the first time, things changed for me. I stopped offering physical affection, or desperate and short kisses. I stopped saying I love you. That's sad, but it's also pointed out to me just how loveless this had all become. So I am drawing my line. I am setting a deadline (November? New Years?) in my head and making an escape plan. I will say, "you will get into counseling before this date, or I am moving out." It's not even an emotional decision anymore. It's not even about sex anymore for me. It's being complicit in someone else's refusal to recognize me as myself. I am halfway through my life. I tried staying. I have two wonderful kids, and I discovered meditation because of all this. But it's no longer good for me to stay. Things will change, or I will leave. Fingers crossed. Congratulations, my friend. Keep on coming here & let us know what is happening. |
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