Post by baza on Sept 3, 2017 21:10:57 GMT -5
There's nothing "new" in this, but it does put it all together in very readable style.
Source was a relationship column on ninemsn.com.au
How to live with a psychopath
We all know one, but if you’re in the unfortunate position of having to live with a psychopath, chances are you have more understanding than the average person about what comes from being in close proximity to a person with more than the odd psychotic behaviour.
Five to ten per cent of people show psychopathic tendencies, and it’s easy to get caught up in their ambitious, charming personalities. But author David Gillespie tells 9Honey that those exciting moments can quickly lead to something much more toxic.
“At the start of a relationship you might be a little bit unsure, so [later] you might think “oh, hang on, this isn’t the same person I met, you know, they were terrific, they were wonderful, they were telling me everything I wanted to hear… they were the most charming person I’ve ever met, and now suddenly - they’re not,” He explains. “Now suddenly, they are abusive and they’re mean, they’re vengeful...they lie all the time.
“If you are in a relationship with that kind of behaviour happening, where the persona being presented to the outside world is completely the opposite of what was being presented to you, then I don’t think you need any detection for figuring out that you are with a psychopath; you probably are.
While David says the best option here is always to leave if possible, he does have advice for those who are living with a psychopath. In an extract from his newest book, Taming Toxic People, he gives five rules for surviving the psychopath at home:
Rule #1 – Accept you are with a psychopath
You will not be able to change them; the best you can hope for is suppression of their most callous behaviours.
Rule #2 – Emotionally disengage
They do not feel anything for you and never will. They regard you as a possession that generates a lifestyle. So, in that sense, they would be sad to lose you. But they will never love you. To avoid being hurt you need to acknowledge this and disengage any feelings you have for them.
Rule #3 – Assume they are cheating on you
They may not be, but having this mindset will assist with the acceptance and disengagement.
Rule #4 – Work on relationships outside your relationship with the psychopath
Reconnect with your friends and family and stay connected. You will need their support. Make sure they understand what you are dealing with. If you decide to leave, you do not need them trying to talk you back into the relationship out of goodwill.
Rule #5 – Keep your finances separate
Do not buy property in joint names. Do not take on joint debt (like credit cards, personal loans or mortgages). Do not hold joint bank accounts. If they can access your money they will and when they leave you will be holding the bag (and the debt). If your finances are already joint, then you need to work on disentangling them one by one.
Rule #6 – Do not have children with them
To a psychopath, a child is a means of binding you to them. They have no interest in caring for the child or raising it. If you already have a child and you decide to leave, you will likely be taking them with you, but the psychopath will try to use your attachment to the children to extract resources from you.
Sound familiar? "We all have them- we all know them, and we have all worked or been in relationships with them," David told 9Honey.
But you can put boundaries between yourself and a psychopath. "Pay close attention to your support network, your friends, your family etc. and what they are thinking and encourage them to be honest," David suggests.
"One of the strategies a psychopath will use is cut you off from your support network. They will work very, very determinedly to isolate you. They want you, essentially, to be their prisoner and their slave.
"You’ve got to guard against that happening."
Taming Toxic People by David Gillespie is out now and available in all good book stores.
Source was a relationship column on ninemsn.com.au
How to live with a psychopath
We all know one, but if you’re in the unfortunate position of having to live with a psychopath, chances are you have more understanding than the average person about what comes from being in close proximity to a person with more than the odd psychotic behaviour.
Five to ten per cent of people show psychopathic tendencies, and it’s easy to get caught up in their ambitious, charming personalities. But author David Gillespie tells 9Honey that those exciting moments can quickly lead to something much more toxic.
“At the start of a relationship you might be a little bit unsure, so [later] you might think “oh, hang on, this isn’t the same person I met, you know, they were terrific, they were wonderful, they were telling me everything I wanted to hear… they were the most charming person I’ve ever met, and now suddenly - they’re not,” He explains. “Now suddenly, they are abusive and they’re mean, they’re vengeful...they lie all the time.
“If you are in a relationship with that kind of behaviour happening, where the persona being presented to the outside world is completely the opposite of what was being presented to you, then I don’t think you need any detection for figuring out that you are with a psychopath; you probably are.
While David says the best option here is always to leave if possible, he does have advice for those who are living with a psychopath. In an extract from his newest book, Taming Toxic People, he gives five rules for surviving the psychopath at home:
Rule #1 – Accept you are with a psychopath
You will not be able to change them; the best you can hope for is suppression of their most callous behaviours.
Rule #2 – Emotionally disengage
They do not feel anything for you and never will. They regard you as a possession that generates a lifestyle. So, in that sense, they would be sad to lose you. But they will never love you. To avoid being hurt you need to acknowledge this and disengage any feelings you have for them.
Rule #3 – Assume they are cheating on you
They may not be, but having this mindset will assist with the acceptance and disengagement.
Rule #4 – Work on relationships outside your relationship with the psychopath
Reconnect with your friends and family and stay connected. You will need their support. Make sure they understand what you are dealing with. If you decide to leave, you do not need them trying to talk you back into the relationship out of goodwill.
Rule #5 – Keep your finances separate
Do not buy property in joint names. Do not take on joint debt (like credit cards, personal loans or mortgages). Do not hold joint bank accounts. If they can access your money they will and when they leave you will be holding the bag (and the debt). If your finances are already joint, then you need to work on disentangling them one by one.
Rule #6 – Do not have children with them
To a psychopath, a child is a means of binding you to them. They have no interest in caring for the child or raising it. If you already have a child and you decide to leave, you will likely be taking them with you, but the psychopath will try to use your attachment to the children to extract resources from you.
Sound familiar? "We all have them- we all know them, and we have all worked or been in relationships with them," David told 9Honey.
But you can put boundaries between yourself and a psychopath. "Pay close attention to your support network, your friends, your family etc. and what they are thinking and encourage them to be honest," David suggests.
"One of the strategies a psychopath will use is cut you off from your support network. They will work very, very determinedly to isolate you. They want you, essentially, to be their prisoner and their slave.
"You’ve got to guard against that happening."
Taming Toxic People by David Gillespie is out now and available in all good book stores.
