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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2017 11:49:28 GMT -5
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Post by dinnaken on Aug 31, 2017 14:21:31 GMT -5
Yes, fair comment
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Post by baza on Aug 31, 2017 22:16:18 GMT -5
It's a good article.
I'd just add this -
As of *today* your relationship with your kids is at one level.
Irrespective of whether your marriage is an ILIASM shithole - or made in heaven - or you have split up, that relationship is changing.
Your dependent kids are not always going to be dependent kids. Those relationships are changing and will continue to change - and that's a good thing.
If you have done a half decent job of parenting up to this point, a divorce is not going to be "the end of the world".
It definitely IS going to be highly disruptive, and challenging however. For EVERYONE involved.
It may put the kids on a pretty steep learning curve, but that is not necessarily such a bad thing either.
But unless you have a goal of being a deadbeat parent, you are still going to be very much engaged in their lives, be there to offer support etc and help them become independent responsible people.
You remain their mother/father, you continue to love them, you continue to support them.
Those aspects don't change at all.
FWIW in my situation, my relationship with my kids changed from when they were infants to when they were toddlers, to when they were school kids, to when they were adolescents, to when they were teenagers, to being young adults, to when I left their mother, and then majorly changed when their mother unexoectedly died leaving me as sole surviving parent. And I suspect it will continue to change with the passage of time. As they develop - and as I develop - so will the relationships.
Nothing stays the same.
Point being, if you are *staying for the kids* today, that might be a solid choice and make a lot of sense, *today*.
It might not make anywhere near as much sense *tomorrow*.
And kids seeing life's curve balls in action is not necessarily such a terrible thing, as life is full of them.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 1, 2017 0:16:52 GMT -5
Also if you just look at "empirical data" - I have friends now adults some came from divorced couples and some from families that stayed together and the results are mixed and all over the place. I have friends who came from divorced families who now are successful and happily married and I have friends who came from non-divorced families who have massive psychological problems and other difficulties. In other words, divorce of parents in and of itself does not decide a child fate in life.
That is something I have noticed recently anyways - if you look around at your friends who are now adults - I bet you will see no pattern in terms of more likely to be happy and whether their parents are divorced or not.
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Post by baza on Sept 1, 2017 21:27:08 GMT -5
There is oftentimes a hidden agenda in the "staying for the kids" too.
That being where "the kids" are the only good thing in a marital wasteland and you - understandably - don't want to let that 24/7 contact go.
Under those circumstances you are not actually "staying for the kids" but are rather "staying for your need to maintain 24/7 contact with the kids".
This may or may not be in the kids best interests, but is based on *your* needs.
And that is a perfectly legitimate position to take too.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 3, 2017 16:13:07 GMT -5
I re-read this article. Very good article. In my marriage, there was no tension between my wife and I in terms of yelling or drama.
The "tension" was the lack of drama - lack of basically anything between their Mother and Father. My children would only do stuff with me as my W would stay at home and binge watch TV or sports games or video games. So it was I alone going to the park or zoo and things like that. We did activities as a family both parents and children probably once every 3 to 6 months.
The little ones from our couple took the Mother side big time. My daughter from a previous marriage (my first ex wife passed away) was actually rather happy about me moving out though she missses her little bro and sis.
Whether divorced or together - the last lines ring true oh let them be heard:
"Teach them to create their best selves. Demonstrate self-respect, independence, and healthy boundaries. Someday they may be thankful that you did."
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