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Post by JMX on Aug 26, 2017 22:41:07 GMT -5
My individual therapist recently told me - "you don't have anxiety, you're high-strung. It's like the second cousin to anxiety...You don't need medication, you need to be mindful." This has bothered me for a month, and I cannot figure this out - I always believed I was laid-back, maybe blunt, but easy-going by nature. I have realized - I am not. It keeps coming up, and I find areas where I now know what she means. While I have life-long friends that tell me to be somewhere 30 minutes early to arrive on time, I also have other friends that laugh about me constantly figuring out "logistics" to get from point A to B (even in the most mundane of situations), every which-way, every obstacle in my way and how I will overcome them - even if it just a simple idea - I have it figured out in no time flat. I don't always voice it, either. I am actually kind of proud of both of these, as a parent and, how I conduct myself at my job. Physically - I chew my nails and cuticles, eat mindlessly, and drink too much. I am sure there are more things, these are my "top 3". I want to thank shamwow for this realization. His discussion in his T-minus thread about not drinking and consciously having mental cravings, or, rather, trying to reduce the possibility of those cravings, got me thinking - that is me, too. Last year - when I *knew* I was getting a divorce, I stopped drinking. It was easy. Maybe trading on my once a week refraining to once a month "yes, I can drink tonight". I started dieting and taking care of myself. I felt amazing. I started a new job to get out of debt, and I told myself that it was okay to concentrate on my work. I stayed and opted for counseling while we got out of debt. I slowly slipped back into no dieting and full-on drinking again. I am back where I was. Disappointed, eating what I want (mindlessly) and drinking what I want (mindlessly). With that has come my previously undesirable body, my numbing out, my same no-matter-weight sexless marriage, but much more income. The last I am proud of. I am really, really proud of myself and almost debt free!! But before? When I felt so good and good about myself? I wanted to have sex with most anyone that crossed my path. My *werewolf weeks* were intolerable. It was an unfamiliar hell. Before - I would have told you that drinking gave me the chutzpah to engage my husband and risk rejection. Now I know the drinking is giving me the ability to not care about sex for the most part. The mindless eating is creating an environment where I don't care about having sex anymore. I am not all hopped up on my libido because I don't want to get naked. I said in the last couples' counseling that I don't care to have sex right now. I was honest about where I am. I told him and my husband - I am resentful of my 30s being stolen from me to a degree I am not sure I can get over as I look at my fresh 40s and realize that I cannot live another decade in regret. Not when I feel like I can figure it out and pull myself out of it. I hired a personal trainer and a nutritionist. I am working out so hard that I had to push myself down to fall from a shower to bath just to shave my legs. Getting out of the tub hurt so much that I had to figure out how to crawl out. I am not currently motivated. Not in the slightest. But I am making myself do it. I am mindfully eating and refraining from alcohol. But the alcohol part sucks. I find myself either going to bed super early, or cleaning until I fall out from exhaustion. I am not an alcoholic - but I have been using it as a crutch to not feel. And as proud as I am of other accomplishments, I am ashamed of myself for not feeling. |
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Post by baza on Aug 27, 2017 4:20:41 GMT -5
Apart from expressing my admiration for your continued pursuit of your truth Sister JMX , I got nothing for you. Keep peeling that onion my Sister. |
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Post by h on Aug 27, 2017 4:30:30 GMT -5
I've been doing the same thing with food and alcohol for my whole married life. I'm not an alcoholic. I stop when I need to (I take medicine to heal from injuries that alcohol makes ineffective) and I'm never drunk or hungover at work. The only time I am is at home with my W. It's easier not to feel anything than to feel her rejection on top of the stress at work. I don't "need" the alcohol and when I stop for medical reasons, I'm not thinking about it. I have been using it as a crutch though, to get by and numb myself to any feelings I have. I find that it numbs feelings of love also, making me not want sex with my W so I don't feel like asking.
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 27, 2017 7:43:22 GMT -5
We all have our own forms of self medication.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 27, 2017 7:52:32 GMT -5
JMXLove you! I think you are doing right by yourself by focusing on yourself. Exercise, eating right, focus on your kids and your career, make yourself the best that you can be so that you can figure out what is best for YOU. Life is not easy and emotions ebb and flow. One day at a time honey it will all turn out right in the end and you have already accomplished so much. Hugs xoxo
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Post by McRoomMate on Aug 27, 2017 8:37:22 GMT -5
I am addicted to ANYTHING my mind focuses on. I do things intensely or not at all.
Thank-you for the post. I reflect off of it and helps me get to know . . . me .... better too.
I am off now for 2 hour bike training for triathlon next week (for example).
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Post by allworkandnoplay on Aug 27, 2017 15:20:28 GMT -5
JMX, I can only encourage you to keep doing what you are doing. While I don't drink, I do not watch what I eat and I have absolutely no motivation to do anything about it so I can at least somewhat empathize. I, too, have to work on my debt situation (children's medical bills getting in the way), so I am sort of stuck in a hole - at least for now. Keep posting your journey and gain strength from the sharing, as we gain strength from you. Best to you.
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Post by unmatched on Aug 27, 2017 19:42:12 GMT -5
I made myself a resolution for the year that I was going to feel everything. I could see my mind going backwards and forwards on a daily basis, and I didn't know what I wanted with regard to my marriage or whether the counselling was going to work out. I no longer trusted my brain because I could happily jump from a state where everything looked more or less OK to everything being bleak and miserable (or angry, or hurt, or whatever...) and it would feel like my 'real' experience, regardless of the fact that yesterday my mindset was totally different. So I just sat with it all and did my best to let myself feel everything I was going through. That is a pretty high bar to set, and there were lots of times when I zoned out or used food/work/TV etc. to numb it all out. But over time I think that ideal did more than anything to get me to the point where I knew what I needed. I found myself going out and making more connections with people, finding things to do that would feed my soul and bring me back to life again, and over 6 months or so it really did change my perspective.
So you are awesome, and it feels like you have just dropped another level in your quest to deepen your life and find yourself.
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Post by WindSister on Aug 28, 2017 12:14:23 GMT -5
Thanks for this post.
I just caution people to remember even upon getting out of a situation in which you are not happy in, one has to maintain the empowering ways of living. I am in a happy relationship, that part of my life IS good. But I still have the tendency to want to slip out of life - yes, for me, too, mindless eating and alcohol are the vices. Having vices is not solely for those in a SM, or those in an unhappy relationship. I love my relationship and I STILL have to be careful - be mindful - let myself feel, etc. I don't "love" my job and my husband has a stressful job - so often we use alcohol as a "reward" for getting through a tough week. But now we have vowed only one night a week for drinks (and even at that, not getting smashed). Having motorcycles helps us there, now we just get on them and ride and we are sober riders.
Not sure why I am adding that, but just to say - I get it. Glad you are making yourself work out of a slump. I am needing to the same right now, too. I gained back 10 of the 30 I lost last year. End of summer always gets me with the blues and laziness. Walking, just simply walking, every day, helps me 100%. Why I would ever choose NOT to do it is the great mystery of my life! (insert exasperated-with-myself eye roll here).
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Post by JMX on Aug 28, 2017 12:18:21 GMT -5
WindSister - I walked for an hour this morning. Even during, I felt amazing. A little sway in my hips even! Now, four hours later, I still feel good. I get it though, even though I KNOW this is what happens, it still can be difficult to make myself do it. Exasperated with myself / in some way, every damn day.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Aug 31, 2017 1:05:16 GMT -5
More power to you JMX! The last time I pulled my shit together was eight years ago. I made all the right moves and lost 60 pounds over nine months. I felt so good it was incredible! I put those 60 pounds back on over a few years. I don't drink but I sure as heck love sugar! Nothing is better than a pint of Tillamook Stumptown Cold Brewed Coffee ice cream with an Oreo pie crust crushed up and sprinkled on top covered in whipped cream and chocolate syrup. Oh man that is good!
I wish you all the best in slaying your dragon.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 31, 2017 6:36:13 GMT -5
Jmx,,I identify with much that you wrote. You are not alone in struggling to do right by yourself. Celebrate even small steps you take to nurture yourself. Enjoy the walking, healthy meals, workouts, days you don't drink. Allow yourself to appreciate the endorphin boost. Journal about the good things you experience and do for you. Changing is never a linear process that goes straight up. Setbacks always will occur. Do your best to celebrate getting back on track and being more caring of yourself.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 31, 2017 6:36:41 GMT -5
It takes courage to admit you have a problem.
I do like your term "situational alcoholic". While I've always drank, it became a "problem" only when tied to my SM. Like you a few drinks for the courage to face yet another round of likely rejection over time became a nightly crutch just to knock myself out.
I've been going to AA meetings for a month and a a half or so now. I started off thinking I'm a situational alcoholic, but now realize I am just an alcoholic. Like other alcoholics I have an allergy y to alcohol. Fortunately my allergy does not seem to be as severe as many in the meetings but it is there. One drink and it's all downhill until I pass out. I'm just a bit better about being able to stop with that first drink. Tomorrow will mark 8 full months.
Honestly I would suggest going to meetings. Just like having a group of people here who understand life in a SM, people in the meetings understand what life is like as an alcoholic. And nobody there can tell you if you are one or not. That is up to you. The only thing that is necessary is a desire to stop drinking.
If you want to talk some more please PM me. Being in Houston you can understand we've had a lot on our plate over the past week. But for much of the city things are starting to calm down (although much of the city is still in crisis).
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Post by petrushka on Aug 31, 2017 7:19:17 GMT -5
I've always had a horror of addiction - including alcohol. I have, basically, an addictive personality, but I also have some kind of built in warning bell. In my student days at one stage I found myself in the same bar every night, drinking a beer or two, and walking home, but - slightly inebriated, not quite in a straight line. When I realized I'd been doing this for weeks, I just stopped. Stay home, drink tea, read a book. I was far from being physically addicted. But neither did I want to go there. Had a lover once, maybe the best lover I've ever had, a beautiful Polish lady who lived in my neighbourhood. She'd demolish a bottle of red every night. It scared me so much, that I slipped away, since she just dismissed my concern out of hand, I had no idea where she'd end up going. A glass or red or two in the evening is ok for most people - but alcohol as a crutch, be it for 'Dutch courage' or be it as a 'forgetting agent' -- no, just don't go there. I have (had) dry alcoholic friends, and I know one or two people who have not stopped. Excessive alcohol use leads to changes in the personality that I find ... unappealing, in the long run. Loss of empathy and sensitivity to start with. Tunnel vision. A blinkered, almost narcissist-like mode of interaction in the long run that ends up just bulldozing other people. Even if you don't lose your cognitive abilities ... To me that is a horror, if applied to myself as a possible future, and that's enough of a deterrent for me not to get drunk, ever. Much like my horror of dementia or senility or mental illness. (I spent too much time dealing with all of those already). Similarly I have seen what happens to people who smoke Mary Jane to excess daily (known guys who have the first joint before breakfast to get through the day). Ultimately they turn into a vegetable-on-the-couch, of no use to themselves or anyone else. (I guess EO can attest to that). I used to smoke that, very occasionally, but some cancer research convinced me to stop. And I never did smoke it to blank out my woes, or the horrid-to-me universe. Just for the occasional light buzz. Watching "Conan the Barbarian" with Schwarzenegger after a spliff had me rolling on the floor, crying with laughter ...  No need to go into my handful of junkie friends way back when ... everybody knows about that. Just don't use mind-altering substances to deal with problems, with pain. Just don't. My personal emergency regime is: if I have issues that really hurt or depress me, I immediately stop drinking or using anything else that might interfere with my mind. Much better to endure with a clear head, and work on solutions. I.M.O. I would even refuse anti-depressants if I was clinically depressed (although not chronically, that might be a different situation). Been there, done that, twice, and I do have the t-shirt, too. love, -P. |
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Post by neonspace on Aug 31, 2017 15:02:54 GMT -5
I can identify with quite a bit here too. I used to chew my nails and cuticles like it was a meal. My fingers were disgusting and it was embarrassing. It has been about four weeks now and nails and cuticles are looking great and I don't ever plan on going back. Before I would do these things to try to get my wife to notice, with my nails I did it for me and to get ANYONE to notice.
After reading your original post I realized I probably fall into the high strung category too. I have recently taken a more mindful approach to life and try to find ways to live in the moment. It has been helpful.
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