idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49 
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Aug 26, 2017 1:40:15 GMT -5
Just to update the state of my SM... It happened earlier this month and still can't believe it.
So, my H left his phone on the table and our son took it. He is only 2 years old but knows already how to push the home button and swipe. When I took the phone from him the screen was where you can see the recently used apps. Tinder was the first one.
I got very angry. I am fooled into this SM shithole and he is the one outsourcing?!
I did not make a scene but questioned him about it. Of course, he got offended and denied everything, saying he used Tinder years ago, just forgot to delete it. I asked him to stop fooling around, I know how a smartphone works, especially since I use the exact same type - and that app showing up means he is still using it. Then he admitted he uses it but just to look at the pictures of women, nothing else then deleted it in front of me. We all know it means nothing since you can get it back anytime from the cloud without any lost data.
He asked me to trust him, but I just cannot. He visits a massager very often. Combine Tinder with this and the many contradictions him saying the medicines ruined his sexuality although he always masturbates, of course I am suspicious. But according to him: I am just overthinking.
This caused me to grow a little cold towards him. He is still a kind man and we have good times together going out or just watching tv, but I can not trust him 100% anymore. And I do not care much about the sexlessness - I think this is what is called counter-refusal? Just the thought of having sex with him turns me off... Although I have zero chances to refuse him. lol
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Post by dinnaken on Aug 26, 2017 1:53:32 GMT -5
I'm sorry that this has happened to you
He may well be just looking at pictures of other women...
but your discovery, taken with his continuing to masturbate suggests that his sexuality isn't that ruined
Overthinking it? You're quite possibly not overthinking it and I can understand you're growing coldness towards him
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Post by McRoomMate on Aug 26, 2017 3:36:35 GMT -5
idna VERY SUSPICIOUS. These are the 3 key facts 1. Your H refuses to have sex with you 2. He is masterbating I would assume quite regularly 3. He is using Tinder so much that it shows up as a Top App This reminds me of a Richard Prior quote "Who you gonna believe me or your lying eyes?" As a Man and coming from an SM where my libido did not decrease but just went elsewhere, I can tell you it looks very suspicious. You have every right not to trust him right now. His Libido seems quite healthy it is just not aimed at you. Words are cheap blah blah blah, ACTIONS are what counts. You are not alone here. Congratulations on posting and sharing this. It shows now you are taking actions about this unacceptable situation. The question is what are you going to do about this situation? I learned "Dont shred your cred" here on this Forum, but still I did shred my cred. As has been said by the Wise Folks on here: 1. Stay 2. Cheat 3. Leave As has also been said countless times, it is quite difficult to manipulate / coax / convince a disinterested spouse to change. Maybe he takes you for granted? Maybe he has lost attraction to you? Maybe he can change his actions and re-kindle his attraction and desire for you? Maybe it is time to check out your options for a Divorce? Zip Code Therapy? And make a plan to leave? Maybe after you have this prepared you can have a talk with him and lay the cards on the table? Maybe you can threaten that either he changes and changes fast or you are out of the relationship. In any event, you are not alone. Blessings and Courage!!!
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 26, 2017 6:34:25 GMT -5
When I finally got fed up with my sexless marriage, I had been married for 34years, of which the last 8 were completely sexless, another 5 straight were completely sexless and in many years, I'd had sex only once or twice a year.
When I decided to divorce, I was 60, my husband was 62. A week after telling him I was divorcing him, he revealed he had been supporting for 2 years a child he thought he'd fathered.
Do not waste years like I did. You have very clear evidence that your husband is cheating or trying to. You also know he doesn't love you like you deserve. See a lawyer (often the first visit is free) to find out your rights and make plans accordingly. Don't waste years of your life.
I'm very happy now with a partner who treats me like gold. He is honest, appreciative and loving in all ways. Even if I had not found a new partner I'd rather be alone than with a liar who doesn't return my love.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 26, 2017 6:38:08 GMT -5
Don't threaten unless you have done the homework that allows you to be certain you can and will carry your threat out. Threatening without that just shows your hand and shreds your cred. I also believe that if you have to threaten to get your partner to be honest and treat you right, that partner will never be what you want. A person who has to be threatened into loving you isn't what you want. You want a partner who treats you right out of love, not fear.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 26, 2017 6:48:50 GMT -5
So you are celibate and this liar husband of yours gets to explore his sexuality with a massage that I'm sure has a happy ending and a dating app, and yes he lied by telling you he used to use Tinder but it showed up as a top app, then he lied again and said he just looked at women.
Talk to an attorney just to get educated. Do not let him reset you, he clearly doesn't want sex with you. Focus on yourself and figure out what you want.
Do you still love your H?
Do you want sex with him?
Is counseling an option?
If yes to these questions then be as blunt and honest with your H about divorce, and open marriage, - whatever it is you want for yourself.
If No then take him to the cleaners.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 26, 2017 7:09:50 GMT -5
Realize that your husband may be planning to divorce you. See a lawyer. Examine your household finances. Protect yourself. Do not tell your husband you are doing these things. Warning him could hurt you.. my husband had taken out second mortgages so we had only $20k equity in a house we'd owned more than 20 years a he had drained his 401k. He was planning to retire, move abroad and leave me with big debt in my 60s!
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Post by McRoomMate on Aug 26, 2017 8:17:18 GMT -5
if you have to threaten to get your partner to be honest and treat you right, that partner will never be what you want.
A person who has to be threatened into loving you isn't what you want.
You want a partner who treats you right out of love, not fear. Wow. Absolutely !!! |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 26, 2017 8:50:59 GMT -5
I am thankful to receive the update, as I wonder after your status often, sister.
Sadly this disclosure doesn't surprise me much (although the freedom with which he conducts himself seems brash).
I'm sad to hear what an ass he truly is, but it's good to hear your resistance rise up in your voice in the post. Yes, I'd say you're squarely into counter-refuser mindset. I also never really had a chance to decline my Ex. But it was when I realized that I would decline - no matter what he could possibly try. That's when I knew I was done. There was nothing left to save - even if he somehow pursued treatments & COULD, I wouldn't actually want to consummate sex with him again. You can't make love with someone you aren't in love with. At that point, I saw the lawyer.
At first it was just to find out & hold onto the info. I continued individual therapy too. Then I acted on what I had learned. And I don't regret it.
Start some research. You needn't act on it. But just find out what the laws are like where you are. What custody may shake out IF you were to act. To leave.
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Aug 26, 2017 10:00:52 GMT -5
northstarmom Everything you wrote, wow! The truth of your posts always hit me hard. He doesn't want to divorce, I'm sure of it. He has big plans for us, for our future together - and he wants a second child. I'm not into the last one though, not in a situation like this and he knows it. About divorcing him. I'm too afraid of it right now. I'm still somewhat dependant financially, but I have a growing amount of money saved up for emergency he doesn't know about. Right now that would be enough for me and my son to move to my home country. (By the way, I told my family about our SM and I have all the support.) But there's a serious risk of losing my child, and if that's the cost for my divorce, then I'll prepare myself to join the 'staying-for-the-kids' group and live with a roommate. If any of you are interested, I found this article earlier. Pretty long, but everything is written down precisely about divorce, family court, custody etc. in Japan: www.polonia.jp/en/life-in-japan/item/1045-divorcing-a-japanese
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Aug 26, 2017 10:18:26 GMT -5
I am thankful to receive the update, as I wonder after your status often, sister. Sadly this disclosure doesn't surprise me much (although the freedom with which he conducts himself seems brash). I'm sad to hear what an ass he truly is, but it's good to hear your resistance rise up in your voice in the post. Yes, I'd say you're squarely into counter-refuser mindset. I also never really had a chance to decline my Ex. But it was when I realized that I would decline - no matter what he could possibly try. That's when I knew I was done. There was nothing left to save - even if he somehow pursued treatments & COULD, I wouldn't actually want to consummate sex with him again. You can't make love with someone you aren't in love with. At that point, I saw the lawyer. At first it was just to find out & hold onto the info. I continued individual therapy too. Then I acted on what I had learned. And I don't regret it. Start some research. You needn't act on it. But just find out what the laws are like where you are. What custody may shake out IF you were to act. To leave. I'm sorry for not being here until now. There were many things going on that kept me busy. And staying on this forum made me feel miserable, so I had to take a break, BUT it did make me more conscious about all this that I could find some courage to actually stand up for myself and do research. |
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Post by TMD on Aug 26, 2017 10:35:00 GMT -5
Holy shit, idna. I started reading the article. I have an American friend in Japan with 4 children. Recently her Japanese husband asked for a divorce. I am now really afraid for her, the children... and you and your son. Japanese law is very discriminatory in regards to custody. As for masturbation and tinder... Tinder is for hook ups. We all know it. Including your spouse. Don't allow him to fool you any longer. Come up with a plan and execute. You deserve better than this. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 26, 2017 11:02:36 GMT -5
northstarmom Everything you wrote, wow! The truth of your posts always hit me hard. He doesn't want to divorce, I'm sure of it. He has big plans for us, for our future together - and he wants a second child. I'm not into the last one though, not in a situation like this and he knows it. About divorcing him. I'm too afraid of it right now. I'm still somewhat dependant financially, but I have a growing amount of money saved up for emergency he doesn't know about. Right now that would be enough for me and my son to move to my home country. (By the way, I told my family about our SM and I have all the support.) But there's a serious risk of losing my child, and if that's the cost for my divorce, then I'll prepare myself to join the 'staying-for-the-kids' group and live with a roommate. If any of you are interested, I found this article earlier. Pretty long, but everything is written down precisely about divorce, family court, custody etc. in Japan: www.polonia.jp/en/life-in-japan/item/1045-divorcing-a-japanese Could you take a family trip back home, become a permanent resident again and file for divorce and make that @#$& deal with the laws back in your home country? Sorry, but I don't have any pacients for people that put us thru this hell while getting it on the side. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 26, 2017 11:05:35 GMT -5
If your family back home knows, then they could get all the paper work lined up for you to sign as soon as your step off the plane.
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Aug 26, 2017 11:30:21 GMT -5
TMD Good Lord... I hope she's okay. It is indeed very scary. Oh yes, I wasn't born yesterday, I know very well what Tinder is for.
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