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Post by isthisforever on Aug 20, 2017 23:24:02 GMT -5
Hey everyone,
I'm new here - I'm really looking forward to everyone's input so thanks in advance if you have advice.
I've been with my husband for 8 years and it's been a constant fight about intimacy for the past 4. He's always saying he'll work on things but nothing changes and I feel constantly rejected.
There was a moment a few days ago where he got flirty and started feeling me up, but it felt wrong and I was so turned off that he was touching me. I felt like he was doing it only to make me happy and as much as I want sex, it felt horrible to feel like he's just going through the motions to get me to leave him alone about it for awhile.
I used to accept what I could get so now I'm wondering.. Am I giving up? Has there been too much pain to come back from? I'm not sure. Has anyone else been through this and gotten over it?
Thanks for listening.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 20, 2017 23:54:26 GMT -5
I know of no instance where a spouse with no desire for sex is able to give their partner the passionate connection they desire.
Don't look at giving up as a negative thing. Think of it as facing reality head on, instead. You are coming to this conclusion after a few short years. Some of us have endured that for two or more decades.
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Post by baza on Aug 21, 2017 1:09:48 GMT -5
If your spouse is uninterested in sex with you, that, is pretty much that for the sexual component of your marriage. "Giving up" on trying to lure, cajole, manipulate, force, co-erce or threaten him in to sex is a good move as it is a waste of your time and energy. You may be better served by directing your time and energy in different directions. That of course raises more questions than it answers Sister isthisforever . The main one being, is the absence of sex in your relationship a dealbreaker ? There are lots of stories in here from people where they are staying in their sexless marriage. There are stories in here from people where they are staying in their sexless marriage, but painting outside the marital lines. There are stories in here from people who are considering leaving their sexless marriages. There are stories in here from people who have recently left their sexless marriages. There are stories from people who left their sexless marriages quite a while ago. The group is a great resource. Feel free to use it. And, be prepared to hear stuff that you probably don't want to hear.
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Post by dinnaken on Aug 21, 2017 1:38:51 GMT -5
Welcome isthisforever I'm sorry that you are going through this. Personally, (and I know that they are some here who would differ) I would say that your husband cannot become something he is not. Your husband is as he is and the sooner that you take a long, realistic look at your situation, the better. I'm two months out from a 27 years long marriage almost all of which was sexless. There is much in your post that chimes with me. I tried to accept the situation and I certainly accepted my wife for the person she is but I don't think you ever can get used to the situation and for me it led to two decades of great unhappiness. These are difficult choices you face and my thoughts are with you, all the best.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Aug 21, 2017 2:07:26 GMT -5
Hello there isthisforever Welcome! I'm sorry to hear your situation. It fucking hurts. Lots. We all get it. Yours is a relatively young and short relationship in comparison to most of the population here... which may be to your advantage! Hooray! You may be in a situation that is still salvageable. You may not. This is a good place to start trying to figure this shit out. It would be interesting to hear a little more about you as a couple to help get a clear picture. Do you both work? Do you have kids? How was everything in the early days? Did something drastic happen 4 years ago? It's all relevant to how and why the situation has occurred. It may hint as to whether this is retrievable or not. Or it may leave you even more baffled as to how you got here. You may be able to turn things around if he is willing to explore the relationship with you. That's a massive if for most of us here and is what has kept us all stuck for so many years. "If only.....". "I wish he would......" "it will be better when/if......" If you find yourself there... trying to fix someone who says the right worlds but never does what it takes, get comfy and prepare for years of misery, or leave... quick! Essentially , as baza always tells us, you have to make a choice. Accept it as it is and stay without resentment. Accept it as it is and go outside the relationship to get your needs for intimacy met, or leave. Sending lots of love and hugs. I know this is ridiculously hard. Xxxx
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Post by h on Aug 21, 2017 5:11:24 GMT -5
I'm very sorry that you felt the need to seek this place out but I'm glad you found it. Welcome to the club that nobody wants to belong to. Some more background may help you get better advice but many of the people here would probably suggest counseling to help with communication. That would be the best way to get issues out in the open if you want to save the marriage.
Other than that, I don't know enough about your situation to be more helpful.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2017 14:24:50 GMT -5
Hi isthisforever. Welcome and thank you for posting. This kind of issue is very common. After a lot of rejection, resentment builds and you really don't want any pity sex. So you have been married for 8 years. Do you have kids or a house?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2017 14:58:52 GMT -5
You sound a lot like me.
Welcome to the group. It's a great resource. It sucks that we have a reason to need it. But since we need it - it's a great resource.
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Post by isthisforever on Aug 22, 2017 19:27:27 GMT -5
Thank you all for your input. Just accepting the situation as it is isn't even something I've considered as I've just continued to try to change it. That advice is eye opening and it's helpful to hear comments from those who understand so I'm glad I found the group.
To answer some questions that may help.. The main one being, is the absence of sex in your relationship a dealbreaker ? Yes, but I feel selfish talking about leaving my relationship over it because everything else is good. But, I'm going a little crazy and I don't want to live a sexless life. It's really hard to do. Do you both work? Yes, we both have stable, successful careers. Do you have kids? No kids. How was everything in the early days? Hot & heavy. Sex every day almost for the first year. It kept slowing down year by year until it was pretty much nonexistent. Did something drastic happen 4 years ago? Nothing drastic has happened but he's mentioned that he doesn't know how to keep it exciting .. but also is never up for trying anything new, spicing it up, etc. I don't know if his drive is just way lower at this point in his life for some reason, I'm not completely sure. He doesn't want to talk about it and I've suggested getting testosterone checked, sexy date nights and so much more. He just acts like nothing is happening most of the time and doesn't want me to bring it up. He's against counseling, although I'm sure individual would at least help me personally.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 22, 2017 19:45:58 GMT -5
Thank you all for your input. Just accepting the situation as it is isn't even something I've considered as I've just continued to try to change it. That advice is eye opening and it's helpful to hear comments from those who understand so I'm glad I found the group. To answer some questions that may help.. The main one being, is the absence of sex in your relationship a dealbreaker ? Yes, but I feel selfish talking about leaving my relationship over it because everything else is good. But, I'm going a little crazy and I don't want to live a sexless life. It's really hard to do. Do you both work? Yes, we both have stable, successful careers. Do you have kids? No kids. How was everything in the early days? Hot & heavy. Sex every day almost for the first year. It kept slowing down year by year until it was pretty much nonexistent. Did something drastic happen 4 years ago? Nothing drastic has happened but he's mentioned that he doesn't know how to keep it exciting .. but also is never up for trying anything new, spicing it up, etc. I don't know if his drive is just way lower at this point in his life for some reason, I'm not completely sure. He doesn't want to talk about it and I've suggested getting testosterone checked, sexy date nights and so much more. He just acts like nothing is happening most of the time and doesn't want me to bring it up. He's against counseling, although I'm sure individual would at least help me personally. You have two huge advantages that I do not. First, you both work, so you are not financially locked in. Second, with no kids, you are not locked in by your maternal instincts. If he is avoiding looking into solutions, then he is happy where he is and that will never change. Do consider individual counseling. Maybe that can help you determine what your best course of action is.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 22, 2017 19:56:45 GMT -5
I am so sorry you have found yourself here. Time to lay your cards on the table and give your husband a dose of reality. In my opinion he either has low T and is not seeking medical help OR he's addicted to porn, desensitized his brain and can't get off with a real woman or he's too lazy to want to. I reccomend to enlighten him to the fact that his rejection has taken its toll and you guys need to figure out a way to have meaningful, enthusiastic, intimate sex or divorce is going to be a consideration. Open honest communication is important and refusers tend to be avoidant and not allow that to happen.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 22, 2017 20:02:24 GMT -5
The only thing that separates a marriage from being just roommates is sex. For many people, sex is the only thing that one is supposed to do only with one's spouse. Assuming that you're not in an open marriage, not having sex in your marriage isn't a trivial thing. His not giving a damn about this indicates he has the marriage he wants and doesn't care that you don't. My experience of being in your kind of marriage for 34 years taught me that one can't beg, manipulate, explain or seduce a person who lacks lust for you into having mutually pleasurable passionate sex. People can't force themselves to feel passion for another. At best, you'll get him going through the motions to get it over with and shut you up.
You are fortunate not to have kids because being childless makes it easier to leave a marriage and then move onto the kind of life that you would like to have.The suggestion of individual therapy is a good one so you can see your situation clearly and figure out what option under your own control to take.
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Post by baza on Aug 22, 2017 20:37:49 GMT -5
Sister isthisforever . Many many stories in here start off - "everything is great bar the sex" Practically none of the stories end that way. Invariably the lack of sex is symptomatic of deeper and wider issues in the situation. So I would suggest that you put your deal under the microscope and take a really hard and objective review of the situation. Are there other aspects of the deal where he acts unilaterally, without regard to what your wishes might be ? Are you being isolated from your friends family ? Is he controlling other aspects of the dynamic ? He does not seem even remotely interested in the suggestions you have made thus far to address the issue, which suggests he is perfectly happy with the relationship just as it is. That, is a huge - and probably insurmountable - problem. Look at it from his point of view. If you were happy with how your marriage was, would you have much enthusiasm to radically change it ? Suggestions - see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would theoretically shake out for you. - within those legal parameters put together a theoretical exit strategy. - shore up your support network in the event that you do divorce at some future stage. Then - eyeball him, and say something along the lines - I am not happy about this, to the extent that I am considering ending this deal if you continue on your present course of inaction. I expect you to - - - - - - - - " (do NOT threaten divorce*, unless you are actually prepared to do that, but a heavy handed hint to that effect won't hurt) Then, see what he does. Put a time frame on it, to keep yourself accountable. And start preparing for a worst case scenario. * - don't say anything that you are not actually prepared to do, these are NOT situations to engage in bullshit, brinkmanship or bluff. Whatever you say, you have to be prepared to do.
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Post by cagedadventurer on Aug 22, 2017 21:37:27 GMT -5
isthisforever,
in one day, you have received more insight than a year of counseling might accomplish. Everyone in this thread has offered wisdom gained from actual experience. Read northstarmom post a dozen times and see what phrases really stick out to you. There are so many stories including one where after years of excuses, the refusing H remarried and is having regular sex with new wife. Go figure - better yet it may be best not to try as much as that goes against the grain for most of us. If you do intend to see a counselor, I'd first be armed with a few hours on this site. The insight gained will help you be cognizant of the purpose of each question he/she asks so you will be mentally equipped to determine if this doctor has a clue about helping you as many do not. The suggestions about date night, sexy clothes, acts of kindness etc. (while all good things to sustain a marriage) are often times all they have to offer.
Ultimately, "this is (likely) forever". Baza raises great points to consider. I mean really consider. Without kids, there is simply no way I would have stayed this long. Something has changed in your H and no amount of chameleon behavior on your part will effect his desire. The good news is you are not pregnant and have a career. You will likely come to accept that while you want what you want, there is no reason to maintain the charade of marriage. Do know this, the rejection is NOT your doing in any way. This may seem abrupt, but Go back to friend status and you will find huge relief in the new freedom. And you'll be doing him a favor as well.
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Aug 22, 2017 22:06:16 GMT -5
If it has not already happened, I think this is the big talk time. It is heavily encouraged on this forum, for good reason, to seek legal counsel prior to a serious threat so that (if threat is not countered with serious action) you do not back down.
I am not a huge advocate for divorce. I am still trying with my H. Do I think it will last? I have absolutely no idea, but I still want to try.
If you decide to talk with him in a serious, take action or I am gone, kind of manner, I would lay out what you need, what you want and what he needs to do in order to keep you. Write it out, formulate your thoughts and pick your words carefully. If you decide you talk more gently with him, I would say do the same thing, collect and organize your thoughts as to what you want him to do to achieve what you need to be happy in a long term marriage with him. (I have chosen this option, he has a doctor's appointment scheduled to check for low T or other health issues and we are now seeing a counselor.)
I think you need to ask yourself if you want to work on this, if you still love him (or want to love him) enough to put in the time and energy to try and fix this. If the answer is yes, do it! Now! No time like the present and the longer you wait the less confidence and sure of yourself you will me. Beam that confidence out there, I need this!! Let's do this!!!
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