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Post by Chatter Fox on Aug 17, 2017 22:53:04 GMT -5
I've been trying to be "good" lately. I just ended a 2 year+ emotional affair. It has felt good to be "good"...the guilt of chatting with my EA partner behind my wife's back was slowly killing me. Now that she gone though? Well... I'm lonely. It's a strange kind of lonely. It's hard to describe. I'm surrounded by loved ones, family, kids, and friends... but somehow I'm so fucking lonely. I try to keep being "good" but i just finding myself reaching out to women online. I reach out in the most sad ways too. I keep playing online games with cute women. I chat with them here and there too.
One woman in particular kind of started chatting with me away from the games, but it's already getting weird. She's kind of running warm and cold. It messes with my head and at times I feel very much rejected. I know that it is likely not helpful in the long run to be doing this. For one, I'm hurting. I already am hurting from 10+ years of SM mind fuck. I'm in no condition to be putting myself out there. Secondly, this is so far off of my original belief system. I've never been a cheater. I know that online emotional affairs may be a gray area to some, but others believe it's full blown cheating. No matter how you slice it though, it's not really honest, so it's not something I used to be ok with doing. Now though, it's like I can't help myself. What's wrong with me!? ...am I just forever untrustworthy now? ...or would these new found urges somehow dissipate if I had a willing partner? Its like I have no TRUE outlet for my sexuality and I'm trying hard to bottle it up... yet it is just insistent on finding a way to pop the cork on the bottle and make a break for it... I guess there's a reason they call them "needs"? Still, I feel so shitty for being so underhanded and sneaky about it all...
I'm so confused...
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 17, 2017 23:36:25 GMT -5
You're just trying to get some recognition, some validation, some needed empathy and succor.
Don't beat yourself up over it. You're just a man -- and I don't mean that in a negative way. I'm saying you're just trying to find some light in the darkness.
I have so been there myself.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Aug 17, 2017 23:41:04 GMT -5
I never thought I would be one to cheat. I used to think really poorly of people who cheated on their partners. But now I understand why people look elsewhere for love, emotional support, sex, and self esteem. I also understand why those same people don't just leave their partners either.
Does the fact that I outsource make me a bad person? I dont think so, I think most people who know me would say I'm a good person. In the end you reallly only have to answer to yourself.
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Post by baza on Aug 18, 2017 4:00:40 GMT -5
If you have shelved or abandoned the idea of getting out of your ILIASM shithole Brother Chatter Fox , then the default choice, staying, is your chosen path at this point. And that is a perfectly valid choice. That (perfectly valid) choice does however preclude you from seeking a more fulfilling relationship, unless you choose to cheat (another perfectly valid choice available to you). Personally, I don't think chatting to chicks on the net is any big deal. In "baz-land" it ain't cheating, it's just dicking about, pre-supposing you are up front to the chicks you are chatting to. I guess your risk is one of potential lost opportunity, if you ran into someone on the net in the style of Brothers shamwow or nolongerlonely and due to still being in your ILIASM shithole could not avail yourself of such an opportunity. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 18, 2017 8:50:29 GMT -5
Lonely I get. Welcome to the club. Pathetic? Why? That doesnt sound healthy.
I go through my cycles, Im sure we all do. I track my mood. It helps to keep myself accountable. We are, afterall, responsible for our own happiness.
Maybe you just need to get some things off your chest. Post here so we can work through it with you.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2017 14:22:30 GMT -5
Hi Chatter Fox, first of all, hugs to you. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're a good guy! I wonder if, instead of so much self-judgment, you could take the judgment out of it and just use the shame as information that might fuel positive change in your behaviors. The first step in changing self-destructive patterns is acknowledging them. You've done that. Time for step 2. What can you do differently? I'm thinking you need a short list of activities you can use as distractions and another list of how you can move forward (long term) in your own life with the integrity you want to have. It might mean admitting that your marriage just isn't meeting your needs. I know that's a tough one. I've had to take that one very slowly. SM is painful but we can't let it destroy our character. I'm keenly aware of that in my own situation. Right now, I can't even imagine having sex with my own husband anymore. This hurts me and I feel deeply ashamed of it. And it is not who I am or who I want to be. I don't want to be a married woman imagining sex with someone who isn't my husband. I'm in a holding pattern for the next year, but if I can't resolve the counter-refusal (which seems unlikely at this point), I think the marriage has to end so that I can be the woman that I want to be and be faithful in thought as well as in deed to the next fella I choose, should there be one. HTH! Hang in there. You're fighting the good fight. |
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 18, 2017 14:42:54 GMT -5
I've been trying to be "good" lately. I just ended a 2 year+ emotional affair. It has felt good to be "good"...the guilt of chatting with my EA partner behind my wife's back was slowly killing me. Now that she gone though? Well... I'm lonely. It's a strange kind of lonely. It's hard to describe. I'm surrounded by loved ones, family, kids, and friends... but somehow I'm so fucking lonely. I try to keep being "good" but i just finding myself reaching out to women online. I reach out in the most sad ways too. I keep playing online games with cute women. I chat with them here and there too. One woman in particular kind of started chatting with me away from the games, but it's already getting weird. She's kind of running warm and cold. It messes with my head and at times I feel very much rejected. I know that it is likely not helpful in the long run to be doing this. For one, I'm hurting. I already am hurting from 10+ years of SM mind fuck. I'm in no condition to be putting myself out there. Secondly, this is so far off of my original belief system. I've never been a cheater. I know that online emotional affairs may be a gray area to some, but others believe it's full blown cheating. No matter how you slice it though, it's not really honest, so it's not something I used to be ok with doing. Now though, it's like I can't help myself. What's wrong with me!? ...am I just forever untrustworthy now? ...or would these new found urges somehow dissipate if I had a willing partner? Its like I have no TRUE outlet for my sexuality and I'm trying hard to bottle it up... yet it is just insistent on finding a way to pop the cork on the bottle and make a break for it... I guess there's a reason they call them "needs"? Still, I feel so shitty for being so underhanded and sneaky about it all... I'm so confused... We're all human. We are taught by society that we can only love one person, but, is this really true? When my first child was born, I loved her with all my heart and soul. When my second was born, I didn't tell her, "I'm sorry, but I already gave all my love to your older sister and there's nothing left for you." When we are not getting our needs met in a monogamous relationship, I don't see it as unethical to seek out what our partner refuses or is unable to give us. I think it is going to be natural and healthy to form emotional bonds with partners other than our primary. I think it's natural to grieve the loss of that partner, even if it's only been online. |
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Post by orangepeel on Aug 18, 2017 15:24:33 GMT -5
Given that we all get beaten up, or at least regularly punched, by life, we can be forgiven for covering up and protecting ourselves, as you have done, chatterfox, and as I do, and as we all do.
What else can we do?
We go into life with the best intentions, but as Mike Tyson said, everyone's got a game-plan until they get punched in the face.
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Post by skguy on Aug 18, 2017 18:03:12 GMT -5
I've been trying to be "good" lately. I just ended a 2 year+ emotional affair. It has felt good to be "good"...the guilt of chatting with my EA partner behind my wife's back was slowly killing me. Now that she gone though? Well... I'm lonely. It's a strange kind of lonely. It's hard to describe. I'm surrounded by loved ones, family, kids, and friends... but somehow I'm so fucking lonely. I try to keep being "good" but i just finding myself reaching out to women online. I reach out in the most sad ways too. I keep playing online games with cute women. I chat with them here and there too. One woman in particular kind of started chatting with me away from the games, but it's already getting weird. She's kind of running warm and cold. It messes with my head and at times I feel very much rejected. I know that it is likely not helpful in the long run to be doing this. For one, I'm hurting. I already am hurting from 10+ years of SM mind fuck. I'm in no condition to be putting myself out there. Secondly, this is so far off of my original belief system. I've never been a cheater. I know that online emotional affairs may be a gray area to some, but others believe it's full blown cheating. No matter how you slice it though, it's not really honest, so it's not something I used to be ok with doing. Now though, it's like I can't help myself. What's wrong with me!? ...am I just forever untrustworthy now? ...or would these new found urges somehow dissipate if I had a willing partner? Its like I have no TRUE outlet for my sexuality and I'm trying hard to bottle it up... yet it is just insistent on finding a way to pop the cork on the bottle and make a break for it... I guess there's a reason they call them "needs"? Still, I feel so shitty for being so underhanded and sneaky about it all... I'm so confused... I know where you're coming from. I don't want to be constantly thinking about woman. Specifically a fwb. But I feel a hole in my life. My wife cheated on me before our life became a sm. and with someone I was helping. So I use that as my justification if I was to meet up with someone. So I have guilt but I also feel I deserve more. As my good friend on here would remind me, I deserve to live life and enjoy. So do you. |
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Post by neonspace on Aug 18, 2017 18:22:41 GMT -5
I bet any one of us could have written some or all of that original post. I can relate about feeling lonely, yet surrounded by family. It is a terrible kind of pain and torture.
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