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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 17, 2017 17:29:17 GMT -5
Our last counseling appt was a disaster. She texted both of us a few days ago, asking could we meet a different day than normal, as she has a schedule conflict. I replied all and said I'd talk to him. He just texted me:
"I am willing to communicate with her but I'd like you to make the decision. At this point, I want our counseling appts.to be about you feeling better about us, repairing damage I've caused etc..so please make the decision"
How would you reply?
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 17, 2017 18:09:39 GMT -5
What he wants the counseling appts. to be about is his problem, and had nothing to do with the original question.
You feeling better about us,
Repairing damage I've caused etc...
So please make the decision.
This is all more DARVO. It doesn't have a DAMN thing to do with a time schedule. See the manipulation that you tolerate?
Ignore the rhetoric and make an appointment. Give him a time and day. You are now setting a boundary. Stick to it ! Don't waiver! Go alone. If he shows up then you know if he's dedicated in the least towards changing anything about himself. Ignore the rest of that crap. (however you could use it as evidence to the councilor, and see if the councilor picks up on his behaviors)
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 17, 2017 18:30:16 GMT -5
What he wants the counseling appts. to be about is his problem, and had nothing to do with the original question. You feeling better about us, Repairing damage I've caused etc... So please make the decision. This is all more DARVO. It doesn't have a DAMN thing to do with a time schedule. See the manipulation that you tolerate? Ignore the rhetoric and make an appointment. Give him a time and day. You are now setting a boundary. Stick to it ! Don't waiver! Go alone. If he shows up then you know if he's dedicated in the least towards changing anything about himself. Ignore the rest of that crap. (however you could use it as evidence to the councilor, and see if the councilor picks up on his behaviors) Thank you. |
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Post by baza on Aug 17, 2017 20:46:11 GMT -5
There are two competing forces here.
#1 - Him, who wants his free ride to continue indefinitely (or completely suck you dry of money) - whichever occurs first.
#2 - You, who wants . . . . . . what ?
He has a plan, whereas you appear not to have a plan.
Therefore, his plan is likely to carry the day.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 17, 2017 22:28:45 GMT -5
There are two competing forces here. #1 - Him, who wants his free ride to continue indefinitely (or completely suck you dry of money) - whichever occurs first. #2 - You, who wants . . . . . . what ? He has a plan, whereas you appear not to have a plan. Therefore, his plan is likely to carry the day. I'm definitely working on it... |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 17, 2017 22:50:47 GMT -5
Why continue the counseling? It has gone on a long time and your marriage continues deteriorating. You have major financial problems due to your husband.
You could end the money drain to counseling and instead invest in a lawyer.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 18, 2017 12:22:53 GMT -5
Why continue the counseling? It has gone on a long time and your marriage continues deteriorating. You have major financial problems due to your husband. You could end the money drain to counseling and instead invest in a lawyer. Right, so I plan to text her separately and tell her we will be there, but I'm not feeling that we are (or I should say I am) getting much if any benefit. He will likely pitch a fit. He pitched one last night over something completely stupid. |
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 18, 2017 14:59:47 GMT -5
Change the goal of the counseling... "Maintaining civility during divorce"
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 18, 2017 15:22:30 GMT -5
"Right, so I plan to text her separately and tell her we will be there, but I'm not feeling that we are (or I should say I am) getting much if any benefit.
He will likely pitch a fit. He pitched one last night over something completely stupid."
What you are planning to state is very wishy washy.
From what you've indicated here, you've been in counseling for more than a year and your marriage remains horrible, including having looming financial problems that could lead to bankrupcy. While you came to ILIASM due to the sexlessness in your marriage, that seems to be a trivial issue compared to LOOMING BANKRUPCY.
Your husband remains a selfish, financially irresponsible, disrespectful man who throws tantrums like a toddler. You remain an enabler, giving him what he wants even if it's bad for the household finances.
Thus, the lack of significant change during the marital counseling shows that it is a waste of time. What's needed to happen is for your husband to change, and he isn't choosing to do that.
You can continue to help the marital counselor's bank account by continuing in the marital counseling. Or you could choose to tell her that you are ending the counseling because no significant changes have occurred. You will be continuing counseling with your individual counseling who I assume is a different person (Am I correct).
Your husband is welcome to go to counseling -- and pay for it -- for himself if he chooses.
Then, you'd be free to use your individual counseling to learn to grow some tits and do what it takes to protect yourself, which in your case means at the least, seeing a lawyer and getting a separation that results in separating your and your husband's finances.
Seeing a financial counselor so you can learn what to do to protect your finances without using inheritence $ to pay off your husband's debts.
IF you decide to do these things, do NOT yet tell your husband you are planning to divorce him . If you do, he'll throw a tantrum and go on a spending spree.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2017 17:01:55 GMT -5
There are two competing forces here. #1 - Him, who wants his free ride to continue indefinitely (or completely suck you dry of money) - whichever occurs first. #2 - You, who wants . . . . . . what ? He has a plan, whereas you appear not to have a plan. Therefore, his plan is likely to carry the day. Quite relevant comment. Remember the old military saying, "Hope is not a plan". Many here are either trying to repair a relationships that is missing specific things but is otherwise healthy. Many here are trying to move on. You are in limbo and need direction and a plan. If the plan is "change my partner into a fully functioning adult" then I'm afraid you need a new one. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 18, 2017 17:14:24 GMT -5
You can message the counselor, "i will not be returning to marital counseling. My marriage has not improved. my husband will let you know if he wants individual therapy with you."
Tell your husband what you've done and leave it in his hands whether he coninues alone in counseling. Let him be responsible for paying for his counseling.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 18, 2017 19:20:21 GMT -5
You can message the counselor, "i will not be returning to marital counseling. My marriage has not improved. my husband will let you know if he wants individual therapy with you." Tell your husband what you've done and leave it in his hands whether he coninues alone in counseling. Let him be responsible for paying for his counseling. I think something I wrote was lost in translation. We HAVE to go one more time - the power went out last time so we at least need to go back to pay her, and wrap this whole thing up. Sorry if I wasn't clear... |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 18, 2017 20:14:29 GMT -5
You can message the counselor, "i will not be returning to marital counseling. My marriage has not improved. my husband will let you know if he wants individual therapy with you." Tell your husband what you've done and leave it in his hands whether he coninues alone in counseling. Let him be responsible for paying for his counseling. I think something I wrote was lost in translation. We HAVE to go one more time - the power went out last time so we at least need to go back to pay her, and wrap this whole thing up. Sorry if I wasn't clear... That's all well and good. The advice you have been given can be used in the upcoming future. Some of the advice you where given may seem a bit drastic , to bold, to decisive, to take control? Perhaps you have struggled with that? Then again in some aspects of your future, maybe not? My advice to you was a step. A small step. However a very useful one that you can use over and over again. This way you gain ground. leading to bigger steps. Ignore his rhetoric, yet at the same time, pat yourself on the back for this -AH-hagh- moment! You are beginning to see how you have been taken advantage of, manipulated, and disrespected. By setting the appointment you are taking control. You showing up on time- irrelevant of his actions-is taking control. Steering the conversation to fit your needs, is taking control. Deciding that individual therapy with one therapist who is helping you, is taking control. All this can come in time, as you continue to detach yourself from a controller. You will feel a new strength as you move forward, things like seeing an attorney. That can be scary! (been their) It took me days to pick up the phone. I was very stressed at my first appointment. I would have liked having a friend along. just for support. Ask a friend to join you. Start loving yourself, start recieving. Swallow some pride. Consider it a valuable learning experience in life. You can do this! YOU deserve this! |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 18, 2017 20:42:17 GMT -5
You Don't have to go back to pay her. You can mail her a check . Going back together will just allow your husband to throw a tantrum and change your mind. And you will have to pay for another session.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 21, 2017 13:05:22 GMT -5
You Don't have to go back to pay her. You can mail her a check . Going back together will just allow your husband to throw a tantrum and change your mind. And you will have to pay for another session. Yup. |
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