"We need to do something. It's been too long"

mypaintbrushes, you seem to be less accepting of his behavior. This is a very good sign.

He borrowed money from me to take a couple of credits to earn a raise as says he will now be able to contribute more financially. Hopefully he is. He did not pay back the loan.

I moved out at 51, and I have found someone more wonderful than I ever could have imagined.  I wrote this description on another thread, and it may give you a bit of hope...

I now have a wonderful girlfriend who is 44 years old, 8 years younger than me. She is blonde, has lovely green eyes, and looks about 35. She is very shapely, and gets looks everywhere we go. She looks at me in a way that no other woman has ever looked at me. She has absolutely no urge to look at any other men because she says that I treat her better in and out of bed than any other man ever has. I spend every weekend at her house. During sex, I typically make her orgasm between 10 and 20 times. We make love the last thing before we go to sleep at night, and first thing in the morning. If I want oral sex, all I do is mention it, and she is already going down on me. I do the same for her. We average about 5-6 lovemaking sessions a day on the weekends. I take her to lunch 1-2 times a week and she absolutely loves it. She really likes that I open doors for her, let her order first in restaurants, and take her elbow when we are walking. She says she feels so cherished by me and she cannot imagine ever losing me. I am pretty sure that I have had more sex with her in the last 8 months than I had with my refuser in 28 years.

God, I would love something like what you and flashjohn have described. Would just love it. What kind of work did you have to do on yourselves to find your relationships?

All I can say is that I met her when I was apartment shopping.  I made it very clear about what I had been through, the kind of relationship I needed, and the way I think women should be treated.  She really liked me just as I was.

"
God, I would love something like what you and flashjohn have described. Would just love it. What kind of work did you have to do on yourselves to find your relationships?"

I had to evolve so that I was no longer a passive, dependent woman who felt like a nothing without a man by my side. To get to this point:

1. Therapy with some excellent licenced social works and psychologists

2. Medication. Many people who suffer from depression and/or anxiety don't need medication to make a major change. I thought I was one of those, but after years of therapy, although I made major improvements in many ways, I still suffered from depression most of the time. For me, antidepressants combined with an absolutely excellent woman social worker very experienced with working with women with midlife issues is what helped me become independent and self confident enough to realize that I'd rather be alone than to remain lonely in my marriage.

3. Pushing myself to expand my boundaries. I once was a woman who did next to nothing socially unless I had company. During most of my marriage that company was my husband. Step by step, I started identifying things that I wanted to do, and then taking the plunge into doing those things by myself. My husband wasn't as obviously resistent to doing things as is yours, but he still wasn't fun for me to be with when we went out. First, he loved some things that I don't: like going to sports games. I did not enjoy sitting next to him yelling advice to the team. I did not enjoy hearing his play by play on the way home. What I wanted to do was to take dance classes, singing lessons, acting classes and art classes. I took some with him, didn't enjoy it because he was intent on perfectionism not the fun of the experience. So, I started taking classes at community college whre I was often 20 or so years older than the instructor and 30 years older than the students. I had a blast! For the first time in my life, I was around people who really got me. I learned that I'm an artsy person.

I also did other things by myself -- going to movies and plays or I'd post on FB and invite whomever was interested to join me. It was a wonderful way of making friends without having my husband there . When he and I did things with others, he tended to monopolize the conversation by going on long, dry monologues filled with facts, but nothing personal.

I did some fitness things -- purely for my own enjoyment. Years earlier, I'd tried dieting and exercising to get my husband's attention. That didn't work. This time, I decided to do things just because they felt good.

I did things to have a good time -- not to hook a man whom I could be glued with.

I also overcame my own shame about having a sex drive. Talking to older women who were still happily sexually active helped me realize that my having a sex drive and enjoying sex didn't mean I was crazy or a slut like my mother had implied to me. If I had realized that earlier in my life, I never would have stayed married to my refuser husband for 34 years, 8 consecutive years and many other years of my marriage were completely sexless.

While I did end up in a relationship a year after deciding to divorce, that wasn't my goal nor is it something that anyone should strive for. By the time I decided to divorce, I had spent years discovering, nurturing nad developing myself. I didn't meet my partner on a dating site or on some kind of hunt for a partner. We'd known each other for years due to being in the same theater troupe. He also had been going through his own evolution. By the time we started dating, neither of us was looking for someone to fix us or to save us from loneliness. We were our authentic selves and happened to be good matches for each others.


So, my advice is to go to counseling and take the time to learn to appreciate yourself and identify and honor your own needs and desires. Blossoming into an assertive, independent happy woman will allow you to let go of the things impeeding your happiness so you can be ready for whatever life has to offer.