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Post by bran127 on Aug 12, 2017 23:24:54 GMT -5
He told me today that he feels like I hate him. He thinks that I am always annoyed and it feels like I just don't give a shit anymore. He feels that I am argumentative with him, I am distant, and I seem unhappy. You know what, he is absofuckinglutely right! I don't hate him, but it's like, what the fuck are we doing. Why? Why are we doing this? I told him that it was not the time or place to have the conversation because my daughter was staring at us. I am pretty sure she knows something is up, which shatters my heart. I don't want her to hear me say that I am unhappy because I don't want her to think she has ANYTHING so do with it. He marched upstairs like he was defeated. The truth is that I am just not putting up with it anymore and that is why he is so confused. I amI struggling so much (like tearing my myself apart struggling), but I am still not putting up with the shit I used to either. That is the only area where I have remained strong. I have been so much more defiant in that respect. I also realize that deep down I am rationalizing my fears. Like "well At LEAST I'm being defiant! I am doing something as opposed to nothing". Instead I am just turning into a bitch  . |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 13, 2017 0:28:04 GMT -5
If you said, "Yes, I am unhappy with your behavior, but we need to talk about the problem later" that should not lead your daughter to think she is the cause. It also would help her correctly identify emotions. It's probably obvious to her, too, that something is upsetting you. Telling the truth would let her know that you're not upset at her.
Your no longer going along with your husband isn't "acting like a bitch," It's being your authentic self.
As for his acting like he feels defeated, etc., that's the consequences of his own behavior. If one treats one's spouse badly or with indifference, after a while, one's spouse will no longer give a damn. Chickens come to roost.
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Post by baza on Aug 13, 2017 2:23:13 GMT -5
Sister bran127 , has your legal advice etc been progressing ? Whatever work you do on those matters will pay off in spades when this all reaches flashpoint - and it looks like flashpoint may not be far off. OTOH, if flashpoint arrives and you are not prepared, then it is very easy to completely stall your forward momentum. Or even go baqckward. What your spouse may or may not be thinking at this point is *his* problem, not yours. Like Sister northstarmom says, the consequences of his past choices are coming home to roost. And that, is ENTIRELY on him, not you. |
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Aug 13, 2017 3:09:21 GMT -5
I would like to just say, I think it is immature of him to bring something of this magnitude up in the presence of your child.
That is inappropriate and it forces you to make the situation awkward, lie or be the bad guy.
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Post by dinnaken on Aug 13, 2017 4:28:00 GMT -5
To answer your question first of all, in short - no you are not. Not in anyway shape or form.
What you are is someone who has taken a long look at the situation they are in and who has come to the realisation that they are utterly F***** **f with that situation.
That's very sad but it definitely doesn't make you a bitch.
About ten years ago I could have written this exact post almost word for word (my wife refused to discuss our situation at all).
As for him appearing defeated, perhaps he is but you mustn't sink into self-doubt and definitely not despair - where do you want to be? Have a plan, remember a bad plan is better than no plan at all (and I'm speaking as someone who took a decade to come up with is plan - not good).
Confronting you in front of your child is just plain bad form but kids are tougher than we imagine and they don't miss much anyway, whatever else we'd like to believe.
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Post by h on Aug 13, 2017 5:22:03 GMT -5
He should never have brought it up in front of your daughter. That was a very manipulative move. As soon as possible when you get alone time with him, make it clear to him that what he did was inappropriate. That should be first before any discussion of why you are unhappy.
I had a conversation with my W a while back that went similarly. She seemed surprised by my "sudden" change in mood. I got woken up by the membership here and realized that I have never been happy. I told her as much (about my unhappiness, not my joining this group) and that I was tired of pretending to be a happily married couple when I was really miserable. My mood didn't change suddenly. I just got sick of letting it go on and wasn't going to play along anymore.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 13, 2017 9:13:17 GMT -5
"That is inappropriate and it forces you to make the situation awkward, lie or be the bad guy."
Living amid a sexless marriage is awkward. She didn't make the marriage sexless. Her being angry is a natural consequence. Admitting in front of their child that she is angry at her spouse is not being the bad guy. It's telling the truth as well as showing the child that admitting anger isn't the same as being violent. Denying her anger in front of her child teaches the child to ignore and deny their own feelings instead of learning to express them appropriately. Anger is not something wrong. How one expresses it is what can be wrong.
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