|
|
Post by beguiledcinderella on May 9, 2016 22:13:51 GMT -5
And I don't know how I feel.
She was a horrible woman who raised a horrible son. They were both quite assuredly mentally ill, but that doesn't entirely excuse them
My ex is also dead. He died in 2011.
But their legacy lives on. Because my experience with divorce the first time around has a great deal to do with why I have not left my sexless marriage. The horror of the divorce and the years following the divorce were so traumatic that they have left this awful scar behind. My current h is not my ex. But then, I'd have never in a million years have dreamed that my ex was capable of the things he did either.
I don't know how I feel today. My older kids have lost their grandmother. And I don't really know how I feel about it.
|
|
|
|
Post by wewbwb on May 9, 2016 22:37:59 GMT -5
I'll never tell anyone how to feel . BUT it may be possible to mourn for the pain your children feel. While being honest about who and what she was. A cold and mean woman who raised a cold and mean man bur loved her grandkids. (I'm assuming )
That is not a contradiction , that is the truth. You can be okay that you will not need to deal with her anymore. You can feel relief.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 9, 2016 22:46:52 GMT -5
I agree wholeheartedly with wewbwb's comments. Grieve with your children, the loss of their grandmother. And, allow her passing to give final closure to a difficult time in your life. Then, plan your own private way to honor her role in the kids' lives by doing something the kids would like. |
|
|
|
Post by beguiledcinderella on May 9, 2016 23:04:04 GMT -5
Thank you so much. It is all just so complicated. She damaged my children as well, and I lost any say in the matter because of the divorce.
For instance:
When my daughter was about five or six I French braided her hair and painted her fingers and toes before sending her to some holiday or something with their family. She came home crying. Grandma dragged her to the bathroom and scrubbed her polish off because "red is a whores color". She also screamed 1 Timothy 2:9 at her about the braids in her hair
Coincidentally my mom happened to take a photo when I was painting her nails for this very occasion. We are both on the floor. She somberly and seriously has her fingers spread wide to allow for the polish. She had admired the color so much on me that I told her she could have some. She's dressed up, her hair is parted in the center, two neat braids hanging back over her shoulders.
My daughter is an adult now, and some time ago we came across this photo together. She said "I remember THIS" and then her face fell.
"Did Grandma really tell me you were a whore? I was so LITTLE. I didn't realize how little i was!"
I said "I'm not sure that's exactly what she said"
"But it's what she meant"
|
|
|
|
Post by petrushka on May 9, 2016 23:30:43 GMT -5
One thing we all need to do is acknowledge that some people are horrible people.
My mother was a horrible person - I think so, my wife thinks so, most people who know what she did to me think so.
(she is not a horrible person any more, she is a slack-mouthed empty husk in a D6 ward (highest class of dementia they have here).
My father is horrible at pretending to be a human being. He has no empathy, no social skills, hasn't told me 'well done' or
'I love you', ever - not ONCE - nor has he been affectionate to my mother in my presence. Full of conspiracy theories all his
life the gerontopsychiatrist told me that in her opinion he has morped into full blown paranoia.
I used to visit her from time to time to make sure she was being looked after when she could still keep her eyes open,
I used to visit him in the hospital ward where he lives these days.
I pay their care.
I talk to the people nursing them.
I do not think I will shed a tear when either of them dies. Arguably, it would be a relief for her, and maybe for him as well.
They destroyed all love I had for them a long, long time ago. There's only some filial obligation at work here.
You can allow yourself to loathe a horrible person after they die, in my world.
|
|
|
|
Post by itsjustus on May 9, 2016 23:41:30 GMT -5
And I don't know how I feel. She was a horrible woman who raised a horrible son. They were both quite assuredly mentally ill, but that doesn't entirely excuse them My ex is also dead. He died in 2011. But their legacy lives on. Because my experience with divorce the first time around has a great deal to do with why I have not left my sexless marriage. The horror of the divorce and the years following the divorce were so traumatic that they have left this awful scar behind. My current h is not my ex. But then, I'd have never in a million years have dreamed that my ex was capable of the things he did either. I don't know how I feel today. My older kids have lost their grandmother. And I don't really know how I feel about it. I'm so sorry you have to go thru these confusing emotions.  |
|
|
|
Post by beguiledcinderella on May 9, 2016 23:56:09 GMT -5
One thing we all need to do is acknowledge that some people are horrible people. My mother was a horrible person - I think so, my wife thinks so, most people who know what she did to me think so. (she is not a horrible person any more, she is a slack-mouthed empty husk in a D6 ward (highest class of dementia they have here). My father is horrible at pretending to be a human being. He has no empathy, no social skills, hasn't told me 'well done' or 'I love you', ever - not ONCE - nor has he been affectionate to my mother in my presence. Full of conspiracy theories all his life the gerontopsychiatrist told me that in her opinion he has morped into full blown paranoia. I used to visit her from time to time to make sure she was being looked after when she could still keep her eyes open, I used to visit him in the hospital ward where he lives these days. I pay their care. I talk to the people nursing them. I do not think I will shed a tear when either of them dies. Arguably, it would be a relief for her, and maybe for him as well. They destroyed all love I had for them a long, long time ago. There's only some filial obligation at work here. You can allow yourself to loathe a horrible person after they die, in my world. I found myself unable to "like" this. But thank you for the revealing and heartfelt response. I think I just need to let go of the guilt I feel at being somewhat glad she's gone. She represented my children's last real link to that side of the family. Their father is gone, his sister (a truly and deeply good person) is gone. Their grandfather passed away just a couple of months ago (a sweet man). The side of me concerned with how I "should" feel thinks this is a tragedy. For them to lose half of their roots. But the deepest part of me whispers "and good riddance" When my own mother died of breast cancer after two long hard fought years and a grueling end of life -- I felt a sense of relief. Relief that her suffering was over. I guess if I can feel relieved at that, It should be ok to feel relieved at this. |
|
|
|
Post by beguiledcinderella on May 9, 2016 23:56:54 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by petrushka on May 10, 2016 0:34:21 GMT -5
Gods yes, there are people who would say to me "but, but, ....". But nothing. If anything, I can express sadness, huge amounts of
sadness that my parents did not manage to treat me like a human. That we never had an adult relationship.
I know there is a little guilt in me over the fact that I haven't more compassion for them -- but it's also like some of the more acrimonious
breakups here: there's a lot more grief and anger, but I've pretty much let it go, and it's just so good that my wife supports me
fully in this. She has my back.
I am not, I never was, responsible for who they are and were, I am, and never was, responsible for all the nasty things they said
and did to me in my youth and later years. I am, in the end, not responsible for how they made me feel, because, by gum, I tried,
I tried and I tried and I tried to relate to them, to let them see who I am, and they wouldn't have a piece of it. Instead they slandered
every classmate, every friend, every girlfriend I ever had, and now I hear from the hospital staff that my father is slandering me to the
nurses. (hell, he slandered my wife to me and me to her - and always in a very very nasty way).
Probably a good explanation for why I often picked out women who were neither affectionate nor loving with me.
I don't think I will cry.
And I am the sort that cries over emotional stories read on the internet ...
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 10, 2016 17:41:44 GMT -5
It's situations like this that manners, customs, and traditions are good for.
You can do the things that are expected (i.e., funeral), and just be quiet, and that will satisfy most people.
I think when a person in your close family is a nasty person, it will take a lot of thoughtful reflection on the part of each person, to work through the conflicted feelings they have when the nasty person dies or has some other misfortune.
My father's mother was extremely difficult. It has taken me about 25 years after her death to come to a place where I can feel some empathy for her. I still can't make myself visit the place where she lived. I'm trying to get to this point, because I have some cousins on that side of my family who are wonderful. I consider them to be my family on my father's side.
How old are your kids? Depending on their ages, they may need to do a lot of processing to come to peace with all this. The incident with your daughter was pretty horrible.
|
|
|
|
Post by wewbwb on May 10, 2016 22:33:41 GMT -5
Be nice to the living.
Unless of course you read "speaker for the dead"
If you haven't just be nice.
Rarely causes trouble.
|
|
|
|
Post by snowman12345 on May 11, 2016 0:00:44 GMT -5
Gods yes, there are people who would say to me "but, but, ....". But nothing. If anything, I can express sadness, huge amounts of sadness that my parents did not manage to treat me like a human. That we never had an adult relationship. I know there is a little guilt in me over the fact that I haven't more compassion for them -- but it's also like some of the more acrimonious breakups here: there's a lot more grief and anger, but I've pretty much let it go, and it's just so good that my wife supports me fully in this. She has my back. I am not, I never was, responsible for who they are and were, I am, and never was, responsible for all the nasty things they said and did to me in my youth and later years. I am, in the end, not responsible for how they made me feel, because, by gum, I tried, I tried and I tried and I tried to relate to them, to let them see who I am, and they wouldn't have a piece of it. Instead they slandered every classmate, every friend, every girlfriend I ever had, and now I hear from the hospital staff that my father is slandering me to the nurses. (hell, he slandered my wife to me and me to her - and always in a very very nasty way). Probably a good explanation for why I often picked out women who were neither affectionate nor loving with me. I don't think I will cry. And I am the sort that cries over emotional stories read on the internet ... There are some people that can drum all the compassion and patience right out of you. I count myself lucky to have had great parents who divorced when they reached a point in their marriage where they could no longer stand each other. I hated them and the divorce at the time, but grew to see that it really did make life better. All I can say is - look to them for an example of who not to be. Good luck and peace.
|
|
|
|
Post by snowman12345 on May 11, 2016 0:06:58 GMT -5
And I don't know how I feel. She was a horrible woman who raised a horrible son. They were both quite assuredly mentally ill, but that doesn't entirely excuse them My ex is also dead. He died in 2011. But their legacy lives on. Because my experience with divorce the first time around has a great deal to do with why I have not left my sexless marriage. The horror of the divorce and the years following the divorce were so traumatic that they have left this awful scar behind. My current h is not my ex. But then, I'd have never in a million years have dreamed that my ex was capable of the things he did either. I don't know how I feel today. My older kids have lost their grandmother. And I don't really know how I feel about it. I have to agree - make it about your kids. You have a right to feel relieved that the hag is gone. I would go out with a friend that may have knowledge of the woman and hoist a few glasses in thankfulness that she is gone. She can't hurt you anymore. Only your memories of her can hurt you - and that is only if you let it. Look at it this way - you outlived the bitch!
|
|
