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Post by Caris on Aug 8, 2017 20:00:13 GMT -5
So this past few days has been bad for me on a personal level. My inner self has felt a combination of hurt, anger, restlessness, and irratibility. I've been comfort eating on popcorn and low calorie ice cream bars, which gives me pleasure and comfort in the moment, but not if I gain weight. I've been comfort eating a lot since I lost my ex, then my brother in the space of 8-weeks. That, and wanting to have sex and physical intimacy made me feel like a volcano about to explode. I wanted to run, run, run, but as I have bad knees, I ate, ate, ate, instead.
So once more I recognized the fact that I'm not physically attractive, (due to age), despite working out, lifting weights, a healthy diet (when I'm not comfort eating), and I felt so damn ugly. This spiraled into self hyper criticism, and how I don't deserve to date because I'm so ugly no one wants me, and even I wouldn't want me, so I took the nice pic down from the dating app (I did that a week ago), and today put up more recent pics, and mentioned I wanted to meet men who were not into looks, but more interested in good conversation and mutual activities. In the past, I've ignored messages that said, "hi pretty," or "hi beautiful," I wanted more cerebral types, but today I said to hell with it. I have low market value, so why not lower my standards, and meet someone who talks like that, so that's what I've done.
I'm not the gorgeous 20, 30, or 40-year old, I once was. I'm way over the hill in the looks department, so I guess now that my older looking pics are up, they know what I look like, so they know what they are getting. If they want to meet for coffee, I'll meet them because I'm not hiding (even from myself) that I'm just not hot anymore...far from it. That's been hard to deal with, especially as "he" called me ugly once the effects of ageing started to show, and that cut me to my core. I hid myself away for 7-years thinking I was too ugly for public sighting. I put younger pics up on social media, and that brought me a lot of attention, which I so desperately needed, but I knew I was lying to myself that I no longer looked like that. It's been so hard to accept because accepting that I am now ugly equates to more of the loneliness for life. I didn't want to believe it, but now I am facing up to the horrible truth, and I suppose that's a good thing in a way, but I still don't like it.
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Post by h on Aug 8, 2017 20:07:12 GMT -5
I'm willing to bet that you're beautiful to someone. Your H was an ass to say that to you.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 8, 2017 20:16:10 GMT -5
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I truly believe that!
I had a meet up with a man for coffee last weekend and he told me I was too thick and curvy for his taste. (My pics are from a year ago and I've probably gained 7-8 pounds). He didn't hesitate to tell me he thinks I'm a sweet woman but he can tell I have a naughty side and he wants to spank me.
Let's stay in touch and see where it goes.
I haven't heard from him since.
Rejection is part of dating but the way I look at it:
I want to be with a man that is attracted to me so I appreciate the honesty so I don't waste any time like the years I wasted in a SM.
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Post by Caris on Aug 8, 2017 20:23:07 GMT -5
I'm willing to bet that you're beautiful to someone. Your H was an ass to say that to you. It was very cruel, and had a devastating effect on my psyche because until that moment, I thought I was still nice looking, so I took some selfies (I hadn't taken pictures of myself in years), and that's when it really hit me that the woman I saw in the mirror was not this old woman in my selfies. The pain I felt was indescribable because, it was after asking him why he didn't want sex with me? This was well into 15-17 years of the marriage, and he turned to me and said, "go look in the mirror, you're ugly." My heart almost stopped with the shock and pain of those words. It was so cruel, and this was after all those years of rejection. When I took those selfies, I realized I'd grown old, and not realized it. My good looks were gone, and now there was no chance he (or any other man would want me). This is the first time in all these years, I've been able to say all this, and it's a relief in a way to have that monkey off my back because I carried it with shame. |
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Post by becca on Aug 8, 2017 20:46:47 GMT -5
I agree with h, your hubby was an ass for saying that. Don't adjust your image of yourself because of something he said trying to derail you. By saying that he immediately took the spot light off of himself. I think it is good that you put genuine photos of yourself up on the dating website instead of the outdated ones. Be you. Embrace you. LOVE you. I think if you learn to love yourself again, you will also start liking the image in the mirror again. I will never look 20 or 30 and to be honest, it would be weird if I did. I embrace my sun damaged skin (most days) because it reminds me of all the fun I had on the beach and in the ocean. I have come to terms with my wrinkles because it shows I have lived and laughed...a lot. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 8, 2017 20:54:14 GMT -5
I agree with h, your hubby was an ass for saying that. Don't adjust your image of yourself because of something he said trying to derail you. By saying that he immediately took the spot light off of himself. I think it is good that you put genuine photos of yourself up on the dating website instead of the outdated ones. Be you. Embrace you. LOVE you. I think if you learn to love yourself again, you will also start liking the image in the mirror again. I will never look 20 or 30 and to be honest, it would be weird if I did. I embrace my sun damaged skin (most days) because it reminds me of all the fun I had on the beach and in the ocean. I have come to terms with my wrinkles because it shows I have lived and laughed...a lot. Beautifully said! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 8, 2017 21:10:23 GMT -5
I'm willing to bet that you're beautiful to someone. Your H was an ass to say that to you. It was very cruel, and had a devastating effect on my psyche because until that moment, I thought I was still nice looking, so I took some selfies (I hadn't taken pictures of myself in years), and that's when it really hit me that the woman I saw in the mirror was not this old woman in my selfies. The pain I felt was indescribable because, it was after asking him why he didn't want sex with me? This was well into 15-17 years of the marriage, and he turned to me and said, "go look in the mirror, you're ugly." My heart almost stopped with the shock and pain of those words. It was so cruel, and this was after all those years of rejection. When I took those selfies, I realized I'd grown old, and not realized it. My good looks were gone, and now there was no chance he (or any other man would want me). This is the first time in all these years, I've been able to say all this, and it's a relief in a way to have that monkey off my back because I carried it with shame. I so want to reach out to you right now! I hope my response is a good one. You sound very open, very vulnerable right now. I consider that a strong step in your healing process. facing your fears, and looking for recognition, clarification, and support. it's a good thing to let it out. Not to bury these painful truths. Would I be wrong in saying that you want a man who you feel safe saying these things to? You would also want him to understand, relate and support your anxiety? You would also value an honest response? You need him to help you, as you help yourself ,realize that you are a woman who is still attractive compared to other woman your age, and that not every man is going to see you that way but their are enough men who do, and that he is one of them. You need a man who's words and actions you can trust. That's still part of your healing process. I think a lot of us are going through that, and will be ,in the years to come. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 8, 2017 21:25:02 GMT -5
HI Caris. Its not easy to feel fearful when facing our insecurities and vulnerabilities. But it is necessary progress.
Think of it as a progress marker. Something we must get through to get to the other side.
But the good news is that this mile marker is not the destination, there is much more to come so we must keep going down this path of personal development and improvement.
At the end of this leg of the journey is the you that this world is meant to see. And that means you have a date with destiny.
Despite what you are feeling right now, inside of you there is a beautiful woman looking to find her way out. Go find her and help her find the path.
This forum is your crutch and will be here for you when you need it.
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Post by Caris on Aug 8, 2017 21:35:34 GMT -5
It was very cruel, and had a devastating effect on my psyche because until that moment, I thought I was still nice looking, so I took some selfies (I hadn't taken pictures of myself in years), and that's when it really hit me that the woman I saw in the mirror was not this old woman in my selfies. The pain I felt was indescribable because, it was after asking him why he didn't want sex with me? This was well into 15-17 years of the marriage, and he turned to me and said, "go look in the mirror, you're ugly." My heart almost stopped with the shock and pain of those words. It was so cruel, and this was after all those years of rejection. When I took those selfies, I realized I'd grown old, and not realized it. My good looks were gone, and now there was no chance he (or any other man would want me). This is the first time in all these years, I've been able to say all this, and it's a relief in a way to have that monkey off my back because I carried it with shame. I so want to reach out to you right now! I hope my response is a good one. You sound very open, very vulnerable right now. I consider that a strong step in your healing process. facing your fears, and looking for recognition, clarification, and support. it's a good thing to let it out. Not to bury these painful truths. Would I be wrong in saying that you want a man who you feel safe saying these things to? You would also want him to understand, relate and support your anxiety? You would also value an honest response? You need him to help you, as you help yourself ,realize that you are a woman who is still attractive compared to other woman your age, and that not every man is going to see you that way but their are eneugh men who do, and that he is one of them. You need a man who's words and actions you can trust. That's still part of your heeling process. I think a lot of us are going through that, and will be ,in the years to come. I agree with you GC. I'm facing this fear, and opening up to the truth of reality. It's a process, and it's not easy to admit because admitting it equates to death of dreams and hopes that one day I would have a good relationship again. I don't know that I could share this with a man. It is that trust issue. I don't even think I can share the SM issue. I could say it's been a long time, but I couldn't say the years. I carry so much shame with all these years. I thought that was past, but I realize it's still with me, and I guard it (the shame and hurt) from the world. As long as I've been on this group from EP, I've never opened up like I am now. Maybe because he's dead, and I still feel some guilt and disloyalty by opening up, but I think I have to, to heal. It's carthartic to release this. Thanks for a very understanding and insightful response. You get it fully. |
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Post by Caris on Aug 8, 2017 21:43:22 GMT -5
HI Caris. Its not easy to feel fearful when facing our insecurities and vulnerabilities. But it is necessary progress. Think of it as a progress marker. Something we must get through to get to the other side. But the good news is that this mile marker is not the destination, there is much more to come so we must keep going down this path of personal development and improvement. At the end of this leg of the journey is the you that this world is meant to see. And that means you have a date with destiny. Despite what you are feeling right now, inside of you there is a beautiful woman looking to find her way out. Go find her and help her find the path. This forum is your crutch and will be here for you when you need it. Thank you, dadeeo. Facing the cold hard truth is what was needed, and I've been running from it for years. I know it will be one step forward and two steps back (maybe that's reversed), but I think the truth will set me free regardless of the outcome. |
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Post by baza on Aug 8, 2017 21:58:17 GMT -5
I'm seeing this as a further step forward in your evolution too Sister Caris . Bringing these fears out and putting them under the spotlight is a wise (and courageous) thing to do. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 8, 2017 22:02:21 GMT -5
Hope is a good thing Caris. Thats from the movie shawshank redemption. A great movie Don't ever lose hope, especially when the night is darkest. And speaking of shawshank redemption here is a nice scene when Red finally faces his fears, the prison system. The prison system in this scene is metaphor for our fears. I hope it gives you some inspiration. And if you have time, I highly recommend the movie! Thank you, dadeeo. Facing the cold hard truth is what was needed, and I've been running from it for years. I know it will be one step forward and two steps back (maybe that's reversed), but I think the truth will set me free regardless of the outcome. |
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Post by Caris on Aug 8, 2017 22:04:45 GMT -5
I'm seeing this as a further step forward in your evolution too Sister Caris . Bringing these fears out and putting them under the spotlight is a wise (and courageous) thing to do. Thanks, Baz. It's taken 7+ years for me open up to this part of what happened, and I've felt the heaviness of carrying it, every day. So glad you guys are here because there is nowhere else to go with this. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 8, 2017 22:07:59 GMT -5
What your husband said to you was, understandably, very hurtful. Seeing how age affects one's body also is very hurtful.
One can't erase his cruel words nor stop time. However one can find ways of healing and learning to love yourself and to feel worthy of romantic love as you age.
Some ways of doing this include:
Journaling (gratitude journaling can be very uplifting)
Therapy
Getting a pet that will give you unconditional love
Getting out and doing something to help the many other other beings who are less fortunate than you. Despite the losses in your life, you seem to be far more fortunate than many people including many women and men who are here. For instance, from what you've indicated, you have good health and are well off enough that you have been able to live without having a job despite being divorced and then having your ex husband die. Sometimes volunteering is as helpful to the volunteer as it is to the person, cause or being that is assisted. It can be very healing and empowering to learn that one has the strength or skills to help others.
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Post by Caris on Aug 8, 2017 22:10:12 GMT -5
Hope is a good thing Caris. Thats from the movie shawshank redemption. A great movie Don't ever lose hope, especially when the night is darkest. And speaking of shawshank redemption here is a nice scene when Red finally faces his fears, the prison system. The prison system in this scene is metaphor for our fears. I hope it gives you some inspiration. And if you have time, I highly recommend the movie! Thank you, dadeeo. Facing the cold hard truth is what was needed, and I've been running from it for years. I know it will be one step forward and two steps back (maybe that's reversed), but I think the truth will set me free regardless of the outcome. That's a great scene. He's just so cool. It just happens to be one of my favorite movies. Thanks for sharing. 🙂 |
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