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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2017 14:59:14 GMT -5
The ideal situation is to have both the specific person you want as a partner, AND your preferred relationship format (married, serious but not legal, fuck-buddy, etc.)
But in the immortal words of The Rolling Stones, you can't always get what you want.
If you can only have one, which would you choose?
1 - Your preferred partner in a relationship format that is not to your liking; or
2 - Your preferred format, but settling for a non-preferred partner?
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Post by shamwow on Aug 7, 2017 15:06:01 GMT -5
Partner. Hands down.
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 7, 2017 16:02:17 GMT -5
Partner!
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Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 7, 2017 16:31:35 GMT -5
I would have said my first answer was 2 when I was younger but that based on my ongoing Adventures With Loverman, the TRUTH is that my answer is "partner"
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 7, 2017 16:37:23 GMT -5
Partner At times I think it might not be possible for everyone to get everything from one person. Some do - they are the lucky ones!
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 7, 2017 16:56:07 GMT -5
Relationship. Even for the perfect partner, I would not live again in a sexless relationship.
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Post by jim44444 on Aug 7, 2017 17:51:32 GMT -5
It seemed to be a simple choice until I thought about the implications.
First if I go with option 2 and a preferred format of marriage I would get the advantages of legal protection of shared assets, inheritance rights, social approval, companionship, etc. But I could be stuck with a cold fish in bed or worse. If I went with f@ck-buddy then I assume I would have someone I enjoyed f@cking but whom I might not want to be seen with in public.
So maybe I should select option 1, the preferred partner. Now I am with someone that gets me, who turns me on, who is turned on by me, who nurtures my soul. But we are not totally committed and the insecurity of the relationship gnaws at the fabric of our love. Long term plans are always shelved in favor of immediate gratification.
Good question SmartKat, this is a tough choice.
I will go with option l in the hope that having the preferred partner will facilitate us morphing into a preferred relationship. I can only see option 2 degrading over time.
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Post by WindSister on Aug 7, 2017 19:59:29 GMT -5
I don't understand why we can't have both? Is it really so rare? I don't think so. I don't consider myself a lucky idiot living in some dream world and I have both. That said, expectations of another need to be realistic. Even in a great relationship our source of peace, love and contentment have to come from within. No one is perfect in every way. But in a good relationship it's not so difficult. It flows. It is not a rare find. I don't think anyway? I don't know, I could be utterly clueless. I wanted the relationship, partnership and I love my partner. I prefer him. I guess I can't imagine how that could work any other way? Sorry for being difficult. Just ignore me.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 7, 2017 20:46:05 GMT -5
I'll buck the trend and say relationship, because that's important to me.
"Preferred partner" to me meaning "looks like XYZ, enjoys doing ABC, has these politics and religious beliefs, etc." I can be flexible about a lot of attributes.
Are there deal-breakers? Certainly. Lack of desire (duh); no narcissism, etc.
It seems futile to find "the perfect woman" if she wasn't available or committed the way I needed. It makes more sense to have the relationship I desire and find happiness in the person willing to share it with me.
People change for better or worse. They gain and lose interests, beliefs, and appearances. Flexibility is mandatory any way you look at it.
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Post by WindSister on Aug 7, 2017 21:25:00 GMT -5
I'll buck the trend and say relationship, because that's important to me. Preferred partner to me meaning "looks like XYZ, enjoys doing ABC, has these politics and religious beliefs, etc." I can be flexible about a lot of attributes. Are there deal-breakers? Certainly. Lack of desire (duh); no narcissism, etc. It seems futile to find "the perfect woman" if she wasn't available or committed the way I needed. It makes more sense to have the relationship I desire and find happiness in the person willing to share it with me. People change for better or worse. They gain and lose interests, beliefs, and appearances. Flexibility is mandatory any way you looks at it. I really appreciate your answer. I think that's where I am coming from too, Yes! I say all the time, know what you want. Then it's a matter of finding someone else who wants it too and wants it with you. They become the person you prefer. Why would you prefer someone who doesn't want what you want? Or doesn't want you? Complex stuff.
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Post by WindSister on Aug 7, 2017 21:29:15 GMT -5
I'll buck the trend and say relationship, because that's important to me. Preferred partner to me meaning "looks like XYZ, enjoys doing ABC, has these politics and religious beliefs, etc." I can be flexible about a lot of attributes. Are there deal-breakers? Certainly. Lack of desire (duh); no narcissism, etc. It seems futile to find "the perfect woman" if she wasn't available or committed the way I needed. It makes more sense to have the relationship I desire and find happiness in the person willing to share it with me. People change for better or worse. They gain and lose interests, beliefs, and appearances. Flexibility is mandatory any way you looks at it. Part of loving someone is accepting who they are without then needing to morph into someone else for us. Being forgiving and flexible will lead to much happiness. Over some things. We can be inflexible in the kind of relationship we want. Ie, if my husband started to ignore me and sex stopped, he'd no longer be the man I prefer.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 7, 2017 21:34:43 GMT -5
Here's how I view it. One choice would be someone who, for instance, I felt love at first sight for and had many wonderful qualities, but who didn't love me, enjoy romancing me, or enjoy having sex with me.The other choice would be someone whom I liked and was sexually attracted to (but not to the extent of the first guy), loved and desired me me, was a wonderful lover, had similar values, treated me as I want to be treated. I'd pick #2. Over time, I'd grow to love him more and more, would blossom under his attention. The first guy would just fade away in my memory. I no longer see any reason to lavish love on someone who doesn't love me.
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Post by TMD on Aug 7, 2017 22:19:52 GMT -5
I already have my preferred partner (AP) in a situation that I am beginning to loathe.
For instance, today I hadn't heard from him in a while -- like quite a while. He was doing some yard work and busy, but normally will check in. Background: a couple of years ago he nearly killed himself (not exaggerating) when doing at project at home. So I started to wonder if he's alright. And what if something happened? And how shitty it would be that I would not be able to grieve him at a funeral.
((See? Outsourcing is not for the feint of heart; I'm tired of being stoic and hiding.))
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Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 7, 2017 22:20:13 GMT -5
I'll buck the trend and say relationship, because that's important to me. Preferred partner to me meaning "looks like XYZ, enjoys doing ABC, has these politics and religious beliefs, etc." I can be flexible about a lot of attributes. Are there deal-breakers? Certainly. Lack of desire (duh); no narcissism, etc. It seems futile to find "the perfect woman" if she wasn't available or committed the way I needed. It makes more sense to have the relationship I desire and find happiness in the person willing to share it with me. People change for better or worse. They gain and lose interests, beliefs, and appearances. Flexibility is mandatory any way you looks at it. I really appreciate your answer. I think that's where I am coming from too, Yes! I say all the time, know what you want. Then it's a matter of finding someone else who wants it too and wants it with you. They become the person you prefer. Why would you prefer someone who doesn't want what you want? Or doesn't want you? Complex stuff. This. A main criterion of my future preferred partner WILL be someone who wants the type of committed, but autonomous & healthy, sexful, sensual, intimate relationship that I want. And they (he or she, but I do assume singular not plural!) will want it with me. I have to say: I can't choose. If I have to choose 1 or 2 above, I'll likely just stay single & keep trying to find the "both" that I hope for. I'm becoming more okay with "available & solo" - I really don't want to settle for half-or-so of a relationship the next time. That may mean always having a dance-card full of choices & remaining uncommitted. That doesn't sound that bad. Home alone tonight, so happy to have my space & all the things where I've put them, no company on my sofa --- I'm happier than a lot of the last month or 6 living in the dying throes of the SM. If the choices above are all there is, single seems possibly more attractive.
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Post by WindSister on Aug 8, 2017 8:24:55 GMT -5
The answers explain why people stay in a SM, then. They prefer that partner, but the relationship isn't what they want, so they stay. Hmm.
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