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Post by bran127 on Aug 4, 2017 23:31:07 GMT -5
I am getting weak. I am pretty sure the fear is taking ahold of me again. Out of the blue I started to once again think that I am to blame or I am being selfish as I continue to realize that I have to leave. This is so ingrained in my brain that obviously tmy brain thinks this shit is normal or acceptable. My stomach gets In knots and I want to puke, but only because I am scared. Not because I don't think it's over. I am still so fucking scared. Should I write him a letter? Obviously speaking to him hasn't worked. I hate to continue to whine about it here, but IMy mind is scrambled. Maybe I am simply overthinking it? I am slowly returning to my old authentic self, but this negative shit keeps pulling me back. Maybe my mind just thinks it is simpler to stay......
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Post by shamwow on Aug 4, 2017 23:59:54 GMT -5
Stockholm Syndrome
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Post by bran127 on Aug 5, 2017 0:33:42 GMT -5
I can see that, and I get the emotions that come with it, but at what point Am I just a dumbass? I don't want to be a victim, and I don't want to be a dumbass either. I know I am ultimately being a pussy. I don't have trauma and I am not being abused in that way, but I do feel trapped. I guess I am proving your point.... quote author=" shamwow" source="/post/74755/thread" timestamp="1501909194"]Stockholm Syndrome[/quote][bra |
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Post by baza on Aug 5, 2017 0:35:50 GMT -5
Sister bran127 , you have got your legal advice and a developing exit strategy in your pocket have you ? If you haven't, I reckon that directing your energy toward it would be a good move. #1 - because it will direct your thinking toward something you CAN do something about #2 - because the knowledge gained is going to alleviate a lot of worry caused by ignorance. Meantime, I'd suggest you try as much as you can to get your focus off your spouse. He made his choices, he owns the consequences of those choices. Same for you. Same for me. Same for everyone. This all now has to be about YOU Sister bran127 . He's a side-bar now. |
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Post by warmways on Aug 5, 2017 0:59:12 GMT -5
You're in that really uncomfortable part of the cycle.
I just learned about the six stages.
"Based on more than two decades of research, the TTM has found that individuals move through a series of stages—precontemplation (PC), contemplation (C), preparation (PR), action (A), and maintenance (M)—in the adoption of healthy behaviors or cessation of unhealthy ones (Prochaska & Velicer, 1997).
The Stages of Change - Continuing and Professional Education"
In Changing for Good (William Morrow, 1994), Prochaska and DiClemente describe the six stages of change:
Stage 1: Pre-contemplation. ...
Stage 2: Contemplation. ...
Stage 3: Preparation. ...
Stage 4: Action. ...
Stage 5: Maintenance. ...
Stage 6: Termination. ...
We're all at different stages. I know I'm taking forever but I can see I'm in stage 3 and a little in 4. I found looking at the stages helps make sense of where you are in the cycle and gives a sense of direction..keep taking steps towards what *you* want. Even if it's just 1% some days. It's such a different mindset to put your needs first without feeling guilty or selfish but it's the only way to feel free again and feel less confused.
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Post by tamara68 on Aug 5, 2017 3:09:08 GMT -5
I am getting weak. I am pretty sure the fear is taking ahold of me again. Out of the blue I started to once again think that I am to blame or I am being selfish as I continue to realize that I have to leave. This is so ingrained in my brain that obviously tmy brain thinks this shit is normal or acceptable. My stomach gets In knots and I want to puke, but only because I am scared. Not because I don't think it's over. I am still so fucking scared. Should I write him a letter? Obviously speaking to him hasn't worked. I hate to continue to whine about it here, but IMy mind is scrambled. Maybe I am simply overthinking it? I am slowly returning to my old authentic self, but this negative shit keeps pulling me back. Maybe my mind just thinks it is simpler to stay...... I understand that, I think many of us recognize the ongoing doubts. It is difficult to see your own situation objectively when you are in the center of the turmoil. My guess is that even if you are just as much to blame as your hb, You are the one feeling selfish and he isn't feeling selfish. Because most likely You are a giving person and used to constantly ignoring your own interest and your own needs while he is taking for granted what he gets from you. You are not used to think of your own needs and rights to be important enough to stand up for yourself. For the short term it is simpler to stay, and when you are scared you accept any excuse from your scrambled thoughts and knots in your stomach to stay where you are. It is something you have to go through, but feel confident that you will get over this hurdle. And once you are there things will calm down and you will have a weight lifted from your shoulders. Hang on! |
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Post by dinnaken on Aug 5, 2017 3:47:37 GMT -5
Hi Bran127
I'm sorry to hear that you feel this way. I remember those feelings well. Some observations based on my experience (which may or may not be applicable to you):
Only you can make this decision, we can't make it for you. Whatever you do (for good or ill) is your choice and you will live with the consequences that flow from your choice.
Your choices are - to stay in your unhappy situation or to fix your unhappy situation (I know, I know...) or to leave your unhappy situation. That's it, there are no others
Are you really ready to make that choice, I mean REALLY ready?
Personally, I went to an empty house that was up for sale, I looked through the window at the bare boards of this little house and imagined myself in there - sat on a folding chair, with a camp bed and a sleeping bag and a couple of boxes of my possessions and said to myself "this could be you in six months time, can you do this?" and I thought about it and one day, soon after, the answer was "Yes".
If speaking to him hasn't worked - did you clearly say what you wanted and did you make it clear to him that that was your final and non-negotiable decision? Did you 'say what you mean and mean what you say'? I said "I want a separation" - it was blunt and brutal (though not brutally said) because these is no other way to say it or to sugarcoat it.
I'm sorry Bran127 but this is a horrible experience but there is no dodging it.
With my very best wishes
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 5, 2017 5:55:15 GMT -5
Start a journal. Write these things down. You can go to the messages part of this forum and send messages to your self.
Once you have written it down it no longer has to be constantly repeated in your mind. You can then go back days later, read it all again. This helps re-affirm your thoughts and experiences, or you might change your mind a bit.
It's also helpful to find someone who will listen, and understand what you are going through. Someone you can meet with face to face. You can then share some of your writings with them.
All steps in the healing process. These writings are very helpful to read over months later. You can look back and see progress.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 5, 2017 6:32:36 GMT -5
I can see that, and I get the emotions that come with it, but at what point Am I just a dumbass? I don't want to be a victim, and I don't want to be a dumbass either. I know I am ultimately being a pussy. I don't have trauma and I am not being abused in that way, but I do feel trapped. I guess I am proving your point.... quote author=" shamwow" source="/post/74755/thread" timestamp="1501909194"]Stockholm Syndrome [bra[/quote] Sorry if my reply seemed somewhat flippant, but it wasn't intended that way. In many ways it is a good analogy. Our spouses started off (presumably) as someone we liked and loved. Somewhere along the way, though, they changed into our captor. Human beings are amazingly adaptable creatures. It is the primary reason for our domination of thre planet. We can get used to just about anything. But in evolutionary terms what is an advantage for te species is sometimes a disaster for individual members of the species. In our cases, we grow used to a situation that in many cases is killing our mind, soul, and even sometimes, body. Hell, we even feel the need to please our captors (chase "why" and try to fulfill it) even though we know in the back of our head that won't work. Hence, Stockholm Syndrome. You are not a "pussy" for this. It is something we are hard wired with as human beings. I would also argue that most of us here are more hard wired than most with a desire to please others. Again, as social creatures typically a great trait for the species. Individually, though? It can be a living nightmare. I'm not suggesting you leave. I don't know you. I don't know your husband. I don't know your situation. But just like it takes a powerful engine to break free of the earth's gravity, it takes a powerful effort to break free of a shit hole marriage. It ain't all roses on the other side, but in my particular situation I think escaping my captor was the best and smartest thing I've ever done. |
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Post by shamwow on Aug 5, 2017 6:37:04 GMT -5
Sister bran127 , you have got your legal advice and a developing exit strategy in your pocket have you ? If you haven't, I reckon that directing your energy toward it would be a good move. #1 - because it will direct your thinking toward something you CAN do something about #2 - because the knowledge gained is going to alleviate a lot of worry caused by ignorance. Meantime, I'd suggest you try as much as you can to get your focus off your spouse. He made his choices, he owns the consequences of those choices. Same for you. Same for me. Same for everyone. This all now has to be about YOU Sister bran127 . He's a side-bar now. ^^^^^^^^^^That |
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Post by merrygoround on Aug 6, 2017 4:35:21 GMT -5
bran127, i hear you loud and clear. I went through exactly the same thing, in cycles for years and years. Complicate things with 3 kids and a move abroad and I lived in that F.O.G for what seemed interminable. To gain a little confidence on your path, start out doing little things only for yourself. You lose your self in these situations and you need to get back to YOU and realise that you are worthy of love, care and attention just as much as anyone else. Try a little zipcode therapy - it could be for a day, it could be a weekend or longer. Breathe again. My break away and two weeks later we were on the path to a quick divorce. Helped by the fact that I refused to toe the line and live his way anymore. What came out during the last couple of months of marriage from him was finally the truth. And there was no reconciliation or backtracking after that. I was basically conned for 2 decades. I'm not for one minute suggesting you take it to volcanic proportions in order for him to finally admit stuff (that's just how it finally came out from him and I've almost lost the anger about the lies lol) but it might serve as that tipping point that what you have is untenable. There's a better life out there for you - I didn't think it was possible and although I'm working out visits with the kids, I am finally living my authentic self and have met the most wonderful man - finally a partner in EVERY way and I never thought I'd ever find happiness again. That fear left me and through this wonderful place, I've found love, companionship, compatibility and dare I say, the most incredible sex I've ever had in my life! Take heart, dear bran127. Your story speaks to me and I hate anyone else going through that pain. Just realise that whatever you decide, it's your journey and dont hand over the steering wheel to anyone else. Xx
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2017 16:48:08 GMT -5
I can see that, and I get the emotions that come with it, but at what point Am I just a dumbass? I don't want to be a victim, and I don't want to be a dumbass either. I know I am ultimately being a pussy. I don't have trauma and I am not being abused in that way, but I do feel trapped. I guess I am proving your point.... Bran, don't forget that a pussy is actually very tough. It can stretch to HUGE proportions to get a baby out then go right back to where it used to be! But I certainly understand. I moved out for 6 weeks back in 2004, and then I filed for divorce back in 2007. Neither time got my refuser's attention. I had resigned myself to staying until I died, and just toughing it out. I wavered back & forth for a long time. But when I found myself back in my home town, not owning a house, with my youngest away in college, I realized that there was no reason for me to continue living this way. Even though I knew that this was the best thing to do, it was still horrible to do alone. This was before this board started, and I was not heavily involved in the Experience Project board that preceded this one. I cried as I was loading my truck. Thankfully, my sis-in-law called and offered to help. It was absolutely wonderful to have her with me. But I did not have anyone who had been on this path to walk with me. Bran, you have what I did not. Although we have never met in person, we know how you feel, and we want to support you. Let me remind you of some things: 1. You are NOT to blame for your H's sexual refusal. 2. You are NOT to blame for his other issue you told me about. 3. You are NOT being selfish for leaving over his refusal to meet the most basic need in marriage. Sex is essential to a healthy marriage. That is the way we all are. A spouse who refuses sex to his/her spouse is NOT a good spouse. He is cheating you out of a healthy relationship. My suggestion would be to let him know that he is no longer going to live in your house. Tell him that he has 1 week to find another place to live. I would tell him in a letter. Talking is obviously not going to work. However, you need to make the decision because you have to live with the consequences. |
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