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Post by cagedadventurer on Aug 4, 2017 13:38:31 GMT -5
I have now upgraded my wife to an Avoider from Refuser.
So since our oldest daughter has gone her own way and let my wife understand the negative effects of her anger outbursts over the years, she is beginning to feel the possibility of being alone as the year’s progress and kids move on. So this, in addition to other reasons stated in previous posts has created a situation where I CAN get action upon request. Again it is restricted or what I like to call censored sex.
She is too wise to maintain the stance as a refuser so now she accommodates when avoidance tactics cannot be effectively deployed.
Refuser – has 1001 reasons that sex just cannot happen now but maybe after some future, ambiguous trigger point. Most every reason is plausible just not verifiable or valid.
Avoider – does not initiate, wears ugly (but it’s comfortable) attire, urgent errands to run, kid stuff, etc. All a well thought out cat & mouse game.
So I CAN get laid upon request yet here I am with all my responsibilities of work and home typing this out due to my sadness. It is proof that the sex is not what it is all about, we want to be wanted and not always be the pursuer.
This morning she made herself available, took a shower, brushed her teeth, etc. then peeked into the bedroom to see if I closed the curtains (a que that I am initiating). I have been purposeful not to initiate just to see if she’ll take even the slightest effort, just the slightest! to suggest we do it such as closing the curtains her own damn self.
Still anticipating me initiating but too proud to let it be known that sex may have even crossed her mind, both of us in our towels, bedroom door locked she comes out of the closet fully dressed!
I still almost caved but stayed strong and blew her off and just went to work.
Point here for all you hopefuls – getting sexed – helpful when you are starving. But even giving the W an “upgraded” status, my saddened position remains and all the other good in a day is pushed down under the weight of the rejection. Rejection is still rejection.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 4, 2017 14:45:47 GMT -5
"...It is proof that the sex is not what it is all about, we want to be wanted..."
^^^^^^THAT!!!!
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Post by shamwow on Aug 4, 2017 15:01:38 GMT -5
You know, now that I'm out of my marriage, I wonder what it would have been like if I had the confidence I have gotten as a result of leaving. Given my, uh, quirky sense of humor, I'd probably have a lot more fun fucking with her even if I didn't get to actually fuck her.
For example...
Going to bed every night in full clown gear with my dick hanging out. Or just taking care of business by myself in the bed if she came up with yet another excuse. That kind of thing. If your sense of worth has absolutely no relation to what she thinks of you (and let's face it, I no longer give a crap positive or negative), it opens up all sorts of possibilities for fun.
Or maybe I'm just mentally disturbed.
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Post by h on Aug 4, 2017 15:01:57 GMT -5
I tried explaining this exact sentiment to my W but it was like I was speaking a foreign language. I told her those exact words. I need to feel wanted and desired. I know what you mean.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 4, 2017 15:06:27 GMT -5
I tried explaining this exact sentiment to my W but it was like I was speaking a foreign language. I told her those exact words. I need to feel wanted and desired. I know what you mean. Yeah, my ex didn't seem to understand that not saying the words "I love you" unprompted for 13 years (the last time was the day my son was born) is a relationship problem. In her case, I think it was a foreign love language - en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages . She is more into acts of service and gifts. I'm more into words of affirmation and physical touch. Neither of us were into spending quality time together. |
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Post by h on Aug 4, 2017 15:11:27 GMT -5
I tried explaining this exact sentiment to my W but it was like I was speaking a foreign language. I told her those exact words. I need to feel wanted and desired. I know what you mean. Yeah, my ex didn't seem to understand that not saying the words "I love you" unprompted for 13 years (the last time was the day my son was born) is a relationship problem. In her case, I think it was a foreign love language - en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages . She is more into acts of service and gifts. I'm more into words of affirmation and physical touch. Neither of us were into spending quality time together. I'm being more specific. She says she loves me all the time. She never says, implies, hints, or communicates desire. I'm sick of hearing "I love you" and want to hear her say "I want you. I need you. I must have you inside me right now!" |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2017 15:26:09 GMT -5
I tried explaining this exact sentiment to my W but it was like I was speaking a foreign language. I told her those exact words. I need to feel wanted and desired. I know what you mean. It takes courage to have that conversation. I haven't been able to tell her something like that in 20 years and even when I did, I couldn't take that it made me feel weak and vulnerable for saying it. Men aren't supposed to need anything, right? Particularly something so touchy feely. So, up go the walls and.... |
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Post by cagedadventurer on Aug 4, 2017 16:11:10 GMT -5
Yeah, my ex didn't seem to understand that not saying the words "I love you" unprompted for 13 years (the last time was the day my son was born) is a relationship problem. In her case, I think it was a foreign love language - en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages . She is more into acts of service and gifts. I'm more into words of affirmation and physical touch. Neither of us were into spending quality time together. I'm being more specific. She says she loves me all the time. She never says, implies, hints, or communicates desire. I'm sick of hearing "I love you" and want to hear her say "I want you. I need you. I must have you inside me right now!" "Don't tell me you love me - just do me - damn it" |
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Post by cagedadventurer on Aug 4, 2017 16:21:34 GMT -5
You know, now that I'm out of my marriage, I wonder what it would have been like if I had the confidence I have gotten as a result of leaving. Given my, uh, quirky sense of humor, I'd probably have a lot more fun fucking with her even if I didn't get to actually fuck her. For example... Going to bed every night in full clown gear with my dick hanging out. Or just taking care of business by myself in the bed if she came up with yet another excuse. That kind of thing. If your sense of worth has absolutely no relation to what she thinks of you (and let's face it, I no longer give a crap positive or negative), it opens up all sorts of possibilities for fun. Or maybe I'm just mentally disturbed. Not disturbed at all! You are my hero shamwow. You ripped the band aid (gorilla duct tape that is) off! Because I have left in my mind, have stuff still in boxes, my confidence is right there...... I DON'T really care positive or negative. Those two boys 9 & 12 keep me moving slower but I do like where I am regarding her. But I am afraid their sense of humor is so blah with this issue, we'd be the only one's laughing. BUT, I would love to see her expression if I were to stage an escort in the house (in living room on couch having a conversation like it's just normal) when she comes home some day to see her reaction. Now that'd be classic.
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Post by baza on Aug 4, 2017 18:34:41 GMT -5
Interesting how you have picked up on the subtle difference between an "avoidant" and/or a "refuser" Brother cagedadventurer . Personally, I've got a lot more 'respect' for a "refuser" than I do for an "avoidant". You pretty much know where you are in regard to a "refuser". It is a reasonably *honest* position to take. There's no ambiguity about it. |
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Post by h on Aug 4, 2017 18:37:17 GMT -5
Interesting how you have picked up on the subtle difference between an "avoidant" and/or a "refuser" Brother cagedadventurer . Personally, I've got a lot more 'respect' for a "refuser" than I do for an "avoidant". You pretty much know where you are in regard to a "refuser". It is a reasonably *honest* position to take. There's no ambiguity about it. I'll second that! If it was outright refusal with no discussion, my mind would have been made up years ago. Avoidance is much harder to nail down. |
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Post by h on Aug 4, 2017 21:22:31 GMT -5
I tried explaining this exact sentiment to my W but it was like I was speaking a foreign language. I told her those exact words. I need to feel wanted and desired. I know what you mean. It takes courage to have that conversation. I haven't been able to tell her something like that in 20 years and even when I did, I couldn't take that it made me feel weak and vulnerable for saying it. Men aren't supposed to need anything, right? Particularly something so touchy feely. So, up go the walls and.... I never would have acquired that courage had I not found this forum. After some blunt truth given here, I finally woke up to the fact that I deserve more. I went my whole life not expressing my needs thinking that somehow I would be rewarded for my selflessness. All it got me was heartache and depression. "Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light." -Dylan Thomas |
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